British Gas Homecare

No they don't!
No really, British Gas don't actually give two hoots about their customers and here is why:-

In early November 2007 my central heating decided that in line with the current fashion it too would take up the drums. It started just on the snare drum but soon progressed to a full kit with a lovely bass drum thumping along.

Having been a member of a band I know what its like with these drummers, they don't stop until they are made to so I picked up the phone and called British Gas; I foolishly have a Homecare agreement with them.

They booked an engineer in for a couple of days later. On the day of the engineer visit they called and said sorry we can't get the engineer to you and re-booked for the following day.

The next day I got a call, "Sorry the engineer can't get to you this morning can we make it the afternoon?" "Ok" I agreed. Two minutes later the phone went "Hi it's the British Gas Engineer Ill be with you in 20 minutes" "Um, good , but your office just told me you can't make it" Oh well.

The Engineer arrived and tried to fix the boiler, he added some chemical and said it might work otherwise they would have to fit a new part.

The boiler took up the bagpipes as well as the drums and started wheezing and groaning as well as drumming.

A month later I called British Gas Homecare. I asked them to send me the engineer with the new part. (What I really needed was a Band Master familiar with unruly pipe and drum bands.) They booked a time.
They phoned on the day and cancelled and re-booked. The engineer came. "Have you got the new part?" " No" "Why not" "I spoke to the other engineer he told me what the problem is" The engineer checked the system again. "Yes it needs a new part"

Well as is everything in life that we "insure" the new part is not covered by my agreement but at least the fitting is so it saves on labour costs. I signed the form in early December.

In January I got a letter, "Sorry we are really busy we will "upgrade" your heating when we have an engineer in the area".

I phoned them, It's not an upgrade! I explained how the pipe and drum core are driving me mad and as I pay for a service when they feel like it is not really on. They sent me another copy of the same letter.

I phoned them "Please can I speak with the woman in Customer Service who sent me the 2 letters?" "No sorry but we can email them" .

I waited, I phoned , I asked to speak the Customer Service, I could not this time because it was after 5pm.

I phoned the next morning, I asked to speak to Customer Service, "You can't but I can email them" "No I want to speak to them" "Hold on please" "I'm sorry I have just spoken to them and they are refusing to speak to you, I can't believe this either, Ill give you the address to write to and complain".

I got a call yesterday, from British Gas to tell me that they can't come and fix my boiler until at least March. I told the woman she must be joking, she agreed that it was bad and she arranged to have someone call me before 9am today. It is now 10am.

Oh well come on boiler, a little more on the bass drum, bring up the pipes, lets try Hyland Cathedral this time, I like that one.

A quick course in Labour Maths.

We have a strange situation in the UK at the moment we have two Chancellors and no prime minister. Never before have we had this situation where the person in No. 10 Downing Street thinks he is the Chancellor and so does the man at No. 11. The most amazing thing is that even with two they still have no idea about mathematics.

Inflation is, according to one of them or is it both, 2.4%. But hang on how is this calculated.
Food and petrol up over 5%, gas and electricity 15%, now council tax 4% even plants in the garden centre are going up. I have tried to work out how the calculation has been done.
Here is what has probably been used.

5% for food divide by 12 months equals .41% plus 15% for gas and electricity divide by 12 equals 1.25% then add the council tax increase of 4% divide by 12 equals .33% so far we have 1.99% inflation divide that by 2 chancellors and we actually have inflation at only 0.995%. Now 2.4 times .995 is 2.4% so there we are inflation is 2.4% just like they tell us! Isn' it ?

Hold on I hear you shout you can't divide the annual percentage increase by 12 because then its not the annual increase and besides none of you calculations make sense.
I know that, but then I am not the one believing the two chancellors.

Madeleine McCann - Oh Please no more!

I am bound to upset a few people here but as it's my blog I am allowed to.

Unable to contain myself any longer I have to say a few more words about Madeleine McCann.

Because her parents were irresponsible, bad parents she went missing last year and since then some papers can not stop bombarding their readers with total tosh. Today we have a new FBI accredited artist impression of the person who probably does not exist but who we are supposed to believe was somehow involved in the disappearance. Now call me cynical but artist impressions are seldom any use when made within hours of an offence, one made months after is about as much use as a chocolate fire guard.

Not only is the picture a waste of paper it is totally useless to print it on millions of news papers. The law of averages says that someone somewhere will look like any picture you draw, if you look long enough you will probably find all the people from a L.S. Lowry painting.

Every day there is more tosh about the latest development, every day is another news paper article of no use and increasingly less interest to most people on the planet.

Yes something bad happened to her, but now it is time to move on and report news in the papers.

Joy of joys we look forward to the 1st anniversary of her disappearance when the papers can have pages and pages of worthless tosh again.

The truth is that the picture in the paper today is not of anyone, and especially not of the person who took Madeleline McCann.

Government to control the Internet.

Another of our wonderful leaders the "I'm completely out of touch with reality" Jacqui Smith Home Secretary has done what Labour do best, she has announced something.
You, like me, will have noticed that since taking over, Mr Bean, sorry Brown, and his party have spent a lot of time announcing things and doing very little.
Most of their announcements have been for things that are already, and some are for things that will never be other than in the minds of the deranged.
But today I warn you Smith has announced the start of Internet censorship of the kind that we decry in places like China.
She has said that she will be working to shut down Internet sites that are used to groom vulnerable people to become violent extremists. That sounds a good thing but lets just take things to the next step. We, the people, will not be the ones to decide which sites are going to "groom" people we will just be told that its for the good of the country and national security. For example there maybe a web site that says there is a Conservative candidate who you could vote for. Smith decides that this site could cause people to vote conservative so says "this is a dangerous site shut it down". No one ever knows what the site was, it was shut down to protect us wasn't it, how dare we question the leaders who are protecting us from terror.
You see where this is going, it is only a short step from the government removing extremist sites to them taking complete control over every ISP and dictating what we see.
Tell me I am wrong, but hopefully this site will still be here in 10 years time, and it will be my turn to say I told you so. Although I won't be allowed to because by then opinions will also be banned.
1984 ?

New Tax to replace PAYE

A new tax is to be introduced by Minister Peter Hain to replace PAYE, it will be known as PIYR or Pay if You Remember.
This new tax will mean that you can keep any earning you make without the need to pay tax unless you remember. It will also pave the way to a new style of shopping where you can leave stores paying for only the good you remember and will not face prosecution for the 6 bottles of champagne you forgot were in the bottom of the trolley.

As usual with the Labour government there is a drawback to the new tax, it will only come into force if Peter Hain remembers to announce it.

New Nuclear Power Stations

Today our dictator, sorry prime minister, Mr Brown has decided that there will be a series of new nuclear power stations built in the UK and that these will be built by private industry. Excellent!

Not happy that our airports are owned by the Spanish, our water by the Germans we are now going to let the French not only own but build our nuclear power stations.

It will cost many millions of pounds to build each of these power stations and as the companies are not going to build them out of their love for England they will want to make as big a profit as they can. This will surely mean that they will want to build them as cheaply as possible. I am getting scared already. We are going to have another country build nuclear power stations for as little as possible to make as much profit as possible on our land and trust that they get it right.

I can hear the conversation now between EDF and the contractors:-

EDF- "Ello Ello yes, we are building a nuclear power station in Bradwell, yes the UK, Yes we want some radiation shielding, well yes they say we should have reinforced concrete and 300mm of lead, yes , so that will cost how much"

Polish contractor - "Lead isn't cheap, are you sure you want that much"

EDF - "Well no, its in the UK we don't want to spend too much, maybe we could go down to 150mm"

Polish contractor- "Its still going to cost you"

EDF " Oh, well this is going to eat into our profits Ill get back to you "

Later the same day:-

EDF "Ello Ello, yes we have made a decision on that radiation shielding, Tin foil, yes that's right tin foil. The prevailing wind blows away from France so we have decided that we can save many millions if we leave out the lead"

Mobility Scooters. AKA Spaz Mobiles

Well we made it through another year without destroying the planet and here we are in 2008 so to those of you who worry about these things, Happy New Year, but also see my blog on Merry Christmas.

Still we made it and so I can continue to woffle about Life, The Universe and Small Things that annoy, amuse or otherwise come to my notice.
To start the year the way I mean to go on let me be totally un-politically-correct.
SPAZ MOBILES, I don't care what you think thats what I call them and although everyone says to me "you can't call them that" I do and I can.
I was in Boots, the Chemist, about a week ago and there was the classic example of why spaz mobiles should be banned. There we were, I and the rest of North Essex, trying to shop and all of a sudden chaos. Old git on his spaz going one way up the narrow isle and obese blob(because she can't be asked to walk) in another coming the other way. To add to the fun there was a woman with a double child buggy trying to get past too.
No No No. get out of the shop! If I turned up on my bicycle would they let me in on it, I think not, so why have we allowed more and more of these ankle busting spaz mobiles to clutter up every pavement, High Street and now shop.
I had to dive for cover the other week when walking into the local store and a doddery old git in his spaz came flying out at about 6mph intent on snapping the ankles or legs of anyone who got in his way. And blow me if there was not another one almost as wide as the isles in the store causing chaos.
It doesn't end there. Where I live we have scurge of spaz mobiles and they think they are cars, they block the road at 8mph driven by people way to old and blind to be on a highway, no tax, no test, no insurance and no reason to be there.
Its time to retake the streets, next time a spaz comes hurtling towards you trying to break your leg as you walk on the pavement, or blocks the isle in a shop, drop a handful of tin tacks as you walk by - just a thought.

Going shopping - Do you need anything?

I was in the local shop earlier today, I had gone there for just 3 items and was looking for the shortest queue, the shop does not have a few items checkout. I spotted one with a woman being served and just one other in the line so joined the queue.
It was only after a minute or so that I realised that there were a whole load of "NEXT CUSTOMER" plastic thingies on the belt although there was just the 3 of us. Then it happened.
The woman, possibly in her mid 60s, with a 1960s painted face got our her purse, she slowly sorted through a handful of coins picking out the pennies and putting them not into the cashiers hand but onto the desk, then putting the coins away she got out the notes. She found several fivers and took one off the bunch, now where she got perfect five pound notes from is a mystery, after much fiddling she paid and put the purse back into her bag.
The cashier put the next 3 items through the till and the same woman paced them into another carrier bag. After a moment she again got out the purse and started to sort through the coins.
At this point you may be thinking that I am making a really long episode of this, well it was nothing to the time this woman took to sort out a few coins.
Then we were back to the notes then the purse back in the bag. At last she was through, but, oh for heavens sake, the next couple of items behind the next customer barrier were hers too and it became painfully clear that we had to wait for another purse session. The woman behind her and in front of me looked at me, she said nothing, nothing was needed, we were thinking the same.
Obviously this woman, when not washing and ironing five pound notes, goes to all her friends and asks if they need anything from the shop. Not only is she too daft to know that faces painted in blue, green and black makeup went out years ago she is not clever enough to do simple maths and divide up one bill after leaving the store.
Now don't get me wrong, she has every right to paint her face, every right to be a little batty, but just don't ever let her in front of you in a shop queue.

Saving the planet

Something somewhere has gone wrong.

Everywhere we look we are being told that we have to save the planet and unless we do the latest GREEN fad we are all doomed, as Corporal Fraser used to say (Don't know who he is? oh dear I am getting old).

There are some things that seem good ideas, recycle what you can, don't waste things and respect the environment but something I saw the other day just didn't seem right.
Written on a pack of dustbin bags it says "Biodegradable - this bag will degrade 30 times faster than any other" . My black bag rubbish consists of all the things that I can not recycle including the wrong types of plastic, that take a billion years to degrade, anything that's broken and has a mixture of metal and plastics etc. But now I can throw them all into landfill safe in the knowledge that although they will be there for ever the bag they are in will degrade virtually as they hit the ground.
What a great idea.
It isn't just me is it, this really is a total waste of the extra money they cost?

Happy Christmas

Its that time of year again, the time that I head for the airport to escape from, but this year we moved house and its hard to justify spending loads of money to escape Christmas.
All around where we now live people are saying to hell with global warming lets ramp up the electricity bill and cover the house with lights and fan powered snow men and see how much CO2 we can generate. Which is rather a strange thing to do for a country obsessed with wanting a White Christmas.
For those who wish to celebrate the religious side of Christmas it must get harder each year as it has become more and more retail and less and less religion. We also know its actually the wrong time of year to celebrate Christmas and that many years ago certain people hijacked a pagan festival and turned it into religion.
But what is all the hype that we call Christmas. I find it very difficult to understand why people go about for weeks before hand saying things like "If I don't see you before, have a happy Christmas". Do they mean forget the other 364 days of the year, I could not give a fig how they are for you, but have one good day. And there is the "What are you doing for Christmas this year?" Which usually starts in October. But to most people who won't be going to church Christmas is just one day; like any other one day. Even the local Spa will be open.
So as we head for that one day, that people talk about for months and plan for for weeks, the day that costs money tries patients and builds stress may I take this opportunity of wishing anyone reading my blog a happy day everyday, from the 1st of January to the 31st of December every year.
Oh, and that includes a happy Christmas

South Yorkshire's chief constable caught speeding

Yesterday a Chief Constable was in the news for speeding, he was doing 90mph in a 60 limit. This officer had also been, according to the news, "the top traffic policeman in the country", which means he held meetings rather than actually did police work.
But there is one angle that the news did not look at. If the top traffic cop was doing 90mph then you can kind of assume it must have been safe at that time to be doing that speed on that road.
The news found the usual dippy woman from some road campaign to say how "speeding kills and she should have known better", as I have said on news groups, speed does not kill; inappropriate speed kills.
There are many people who are a danger doing 20mph but I expect the chief constable will have done some police driver training and will be a far better driver than the average.
The one thing this case has highlighted is that speed restrictions are stupid. They are arbitrary and there is no actual reason that 60 is safer than 90 and the "doing 70 saves X% petrol than doing 80 or 90" is rubbish.
People kill not speed. If it was simply speed then having driven legally at up to 140mph on many roads I should have died years ago. The dippy blond doing 30 on the school run, cell phone in one hand handbag on the lap looking for dinner money is the risk, the 70year old who can not see that doing 30 in a 60 is frustrating the hell out of every other driver is a risk, the idiot reading a map driving a 38 tonne truck is a risk, not the well trained driver doing an appropriate high speed concentrating on the road.

Revenue and Customs T-shirt Offer

I am please to tell you that I have secured a contract to supply Revenue and Customs security T-shirts. To obtain yours send details of your bank account and sort code, plus your pin, name address and mothers maiden name, first school attended, pets name and favorite colour.

Gordon Brown and the fight against terror

Gordon lay in his bed waiting for his father to come and say goodnight. Clutching the sheets around him he watched the door hoping that when it opened it would only be his father.
The door opened "arrr noo" he yelled.
"Its only me Gordon" said his fathers reassuring voice. "The bogey man won't get you I keep telling you its ok"
"Dad, put my soldiers along the window ledge please and put the heavy books beside the cupboard door"
"Ok, your just getting yourself all worked up again, the window is shut and the glass will stop any bogey man better than plastic soldiers"
"No, I want the soldiers there too dad, please and put the mirror so that I can see behind the wardrobe too I want to know its safe"
"Look Gordon your nearly 16 its time you stopped being so worried about these childish things"
"Its not childish dad, Simon got eaten by the bogey man"
"Simon is just a storybook Gordon he didn't really get eaten by anything, especially not a bogey man" said his father frantically trying to get out of the room.
"Give me the bible dad I want it under my pillow too, and my compass that you gave me I want that here"
"Now stop, stop, this is getting so silly, just settle down and get to sleep"
"But what if the bogey man can get through the light sockets, or through the taps, put something there dad, please I don't feel at all safe here, we need to get more security on the house put up a new fence maybe"
"Right that's it I have had enough of this nonsense and you are getting sillier every night, goodnight I am going downstairs"
Gordon pulled the covers up tight and watched the mirror at the side of the wardrobe, eventually he fell to sleep.
.........YEARS LATER........
"Prime Minister are you sure that putting security scanners at 250 railway stations will actually do anything, after all there are over 2500 stations in the country?" asked the Home Secretary
"I have a duty to the people of this country to keep them safe" Said Gordon.
"P.M. why do you keep watching that mirror."

PC Niddy fights the green war on Terror

Following on from the last episode of PC Niddy, today he helps to save the planet:-

PC Niddy left the police station with a spring in his step. Today he was going to make a difference and do exactly what the nice Gordon Brown had asked him to, fight the war against green terror.
"Hello PC Niddy" Said Mrs Miggins as Niddy walked into the shop "Lovely day isn't it "
"Not so good" replied Niddy
"Oh come on the sun is out there is a lovely autumn chill in the air and my jam tarts are just finished" said Mrs Miggins.
"Mrs Miggins I am arresting you for terrorism" said PC Niddy.
"You what, oh you are funny some times, do you want one of my jam tarts, I have apricot ones"
"No Mrs Miggins I don't want a tart, you are under arrest. we have had a report from the council recycling team that you have not recycled a single thing for weeks and in my books that is an attack on the planet, under the green terrorism laws I now have to arrest you before you destroy the Earth, we also have you on four separate CCTV screens putting a cardboard box into your black sack rubbish"
"Niddy, I have always liked you but today you have really gone bonkers" replied Mrs Miggins.
"You would say that, as a terrorist you will say anything to get away with it, that is why we can now lock you away for months until you confess to your wrong doings" Said Niddy as he took hold of Mrs Miggins arm.
"I don't have time for your games, I have another 50 pies in the oven and rolls to bake" Said Mrs Miggins as he shrugged away from Niddy.
"You really have to come with me, I am also arresting you for giving out plastic carrier bags and for not having energy efficient light bulbs in the shop under the Gordon Brown act of 2007" Said Niddy.
"Right! That's it! get out of my pie shop you have gone raving mad, if you don't get out Ill do something you really can arrest me for" shouted Mrs Miggins as she picked up a large french loaf."
Mrs Miggins hit PC Niddy with the french stick as he pushed him towards the door.
"There is no need to do this, you are only making things worse, come on Mrs Miggins"
"You have totally lost it Niddy, get out and don't come back unless you calm down and get over all this green terrorism rubbish. You are not going to save the planet all you will do is waste all my pies when they burn, look you have already caused me to ruin a French stick"
Niddy walked out of the shop.
"Ill be back"

Baby on board.

Driving yesterday I came up behind a people carrier being driven far too slowly and was immediately alerted to the sticker in the back window "Baby on board" which got me wondering what people think it means.

The way this particular vehicle was being driven I could have easily believed the baby was driving and I am reasonably sure it could not have done a worse job. But what do the people who put the stickers in car windows think they say. Is it "drive more carefully", in which case do they think its OK to crash into the back of cars with no sticker or is it that they simply want to tell everyone, "hey I am driving like a complete moron because I am changing the baby and about to breast feed it as soon as we get into a 30 limit". I guess it could be beware baby on board the woman driver may have post natal depression and likely to do something stupid at any moment.

The other sticker that goes with the same way of thinking is , in my opinion, the stupid "Princess on board". All these stickers only do one thing and that is distract the driver behind who while they are reading the sticker may fail to notice the brake lights .

Of course "Princess on board takes on a different picture when connected with this one

H5N1 Bird Flu

No one can have escaped the fact that we are getting near to Christmas, its been in the shops for the past 3 months and turkeys all over the UK are getting scared. So scared in fact that they are committing mass suicide to escape the Christmas table. Unfortunately they don't know its suicide "gobble, gobble, hey sneeze on me give me that cold I hear they let you go if you have a cold, most of the barn next door is empty cos they all caught it, gobble, gobble , sneeze"
There are the usual joke conspiracies going about that the beef industry has started it because they lose out at Christmas or that the Government is about to do something they want us to miss so have called up a few thousand more dead animals, it always works to distract. That sounds the most feasible. A writer in a well knows paper keeps referring to Gordon Brown's policies as all "gobble, gobble" so it could be connected
Yet I digress.
My main question is why the media have to confuse us with technical details, H5N1, means what and to who, we are told there are different strains of it, so is that H5N2 or H6N1 and does it matter. I know you must not confuse H2O with H2SO4 but what is H5N1 is it just a name or do we need to know what it stands for.

Speeding Kills - Speed cameras only kill the fun of driving.

Excellent, the government wants to change the way people are fined for speeding and to increase the number of 20mph limits. Now it would be cynical of me to think that this is all about money.
There are many things about driving that need to be changed but, I suggest, speeding penalties should be very low on the list at the moment.
If I drive at 36mph in a 30 limit I stand to get a fine and points on my licence, these points will mean that my car insurance may also go up. If, on the other hand, I drive my car into someone else, maybe kill or injure a few I can go to court. It is in my favour that with the right lawyer and some daft people on the jury I stand a good chance it being "just an accident" and I won't even get a fine. So 6mph over the limit is a fine but others dead or injured is nothing. No don't scoff it happens all the time.
With all these slow speed limits that you have to keep a good eye on the speedo to stick to 30, to stay at 20 you won't have chance to look at the road you will need to have both eyes glues to the speedo, how does this make the roads safer. There used to be a law that a man with a red flag walked in front of a horseless carriage, if we drop speed limits a little more we can re-introduce that maybe.
I followed a driver for about 8 miles along lanes where there was no chance of overtaking, he was driving at between 25 and 30 mph all the way, the speed limit was 60. I found it wonderful to sit at 25mph watching his brake lights every time a leaf blew into the road or the road changed direction by a degree. Was he a good safe driver, no way , he was the kind of driver that should be fined and made to take a taxi. But I bet the anti speed campaign lobby would love him.
Speed does not kill, Inappropriate speed kills, there is a very big difference.

Research? Who needs it we have Ministers!

Am I the only one to notice that no matter who has conducted research, carried out tests or spent billions of pounds on experiments there is one person who already knew the answer and just needed to be asked.
Last week a study by experts stated that the millions of pounds that has been spent on teaching children to read and write has not made any difference. These people looked at all the fact and information and did a lot of research. But "Nonsense " says a minister you are wrong!
Train companies published details of how they need to increase their train capacities and how things are really not going very well when it comes to fitting passengers into trains, they say that they need to increase capacity by X% by 2012. "Nonsense" says a minister you are wrong its all going fantastically.
Army leaders "Our troops need more equipment" - Minister "no everything is fine "
Motoring organisations "Research shows using the hard shoulder as a driving lane is dangerous" - Minister "No its perfect and wont cause any problems"
Almost anything that you can think of that has ever been researched and published results in the government finding some half brain of a minister to say "your wrong, everything is fantastic".
So if these ministers are so darn clever why are people wasting billions of pounds doing any research at all, just have a room full of ministers and ask them anything you need to know.
Or maybe get sneaky, and publish "research shows that the Gordon Brown is the best thing for Britain since sliced bread" go on minister, your turn.

Healthy Eating.

An article yesterday informed me that I should not eat Pork or Ham or Bacon as this will increase my risk of cancer and that red wine is also going to increase the risk, yet hold on red wine was good for my heart a few days ago, so its a toss up between cancer or heart disease, how the hell do we make that choice.
It is time that we had a total up on what we can and can't eat or drink so here goes based on actual articles:-
Avoid cakes and biscuits as as they have too much fat oh and sugar. Avoid healthy eating health bars because they have too much sugar (probably not enough fat). Stay well away from red meat and chicken often has added pork fat so avoid that too. Bacon as I have already said is now off and so is ham
Chocolate is definitely a no no and ice cream, forget it.
Don't go near dairy produce and beware that a lot of vegetables have traces of chemicals in them from spraying etc.
Keep off the beer and spirits and remember many fruit juices have too much sugar, if they don't then they probably have too much fruit acid so best to be avoided. Likewise an apple a day will rot your teeth
Its best to avoid breads as too much wheat is not good and not all tin food is as fresh as we think so maybe pass on that.
We are left with water, which if you buy bottled may contain way too many elements you would be better off not having but I think tap water is still allowed although there are two opinions on too much or too little being bad for me.
So that's clear then, don't eat any of the above, maybe risk the odd glass of water and you can live forever.

Education, Education - etc.

Good old Gordon Brown has a solution to everything. Today he has announced that if a school does not have at least 30% of pupils getting 5 GCSEs (or whatever they are called this month) labour will close the school. And to replace them with what. You guessed it he has an answer to that one, Privately funded academies. This sounds just a tad American.
So we have the new academies staffed I guess by some teachers, now I wonder where they will come from, oh yes the school that has just been closed because some one dared to fail his GCSE. We are on a roll with this one, we have an academy, the same teachers and pupils but it is all going to be different and everyone will get 5 GCSEs grade A. Nothing to do with the standards of exams being lowered maybe.
Gordon Brown - Nice but dim!

Oi Fatty- Have Another Burger!

Oi Fatty have another burger, no really please do, its OK its not your fault that you look like an elephant from behind.
I have just been reading the report published saying that fat people, "hey it's not your fault", you can't help it. It says that because our bodies are designed to store fat that the 21st century is making people fat. One "expert" says it amazing anyone stays slim. You can't help it you don't have any exercise to do and you simply must have more cakes and chocolates because the shop makes you, its just modern life.
Oh come on! It's dinner time and the fat person wants something to eat, um lets see, a nice salad, tuna, some tomatoes and a slice of wholemeal bread, or, a huge burger dripping in fat and extra large chips followed by some more chips. That will the the chips then won't it fatty. But hey its not your fault, the report says so, its just the way society is, so go on get an arse bigger than the average sofa and make people feel sick as you waddle along the street because your legs are too huge to walk like a human. It's OK.
Well actually its not OK, it is your fault you fat gits out there, stop eating badly, do some exercise and stop making the rest of us feel ill every time we have to suffer the sight of you.
And if anyone is offended by the tone of this blog, its not my fault, it's society made me like this.

Essex Police - It just gets better and better!

Some time ago I wrote about how Essex Police are really losing it and since then I have still not heard a good word for them but this one takes it to the limit.
I have changed the addresses but it goes something like this:-
Two pensioners are sitting in their house late one evening and there is a knock at the door number 35 Wotsit Road.
The gentleman goes to the door to find a uniformed member of Essex Police there.
"Ello Ello Ello" , OK I might have made that bit up "Can you tell me where 35 Yourlost Avenue is ?"
Um what the blinkin hell are they on. For a start its completely obvious that 35 Wotsit Road is nowhere near Yourlost Avenue and why the ###### don't Essex Police have maps so they don't have to disturb elderly people to ask directions.
Maybe being lost also explains why after a call at 3am to people damaging property the only thing they did was send 2 PCSOs at 10am the following day to look at the destruction caused.
Now didn't they do well!

America- Land of strange shaped people?

I watched a TV program the other night about people in America who have plastic surgery.
I knew about boob jobs and liposuction but I didn't realise that men also have implants in there chests, arms , biceps and just about any other place rather than work out at a gym.
There were some total freaks on the program with surgeons justifying their actions with "here in the USA people care how they look, I don't know what its like in the UK".
Yes people care how they look, but in the main fifty year old men don't have arms full of silicon and the majority of people are not having new boobs every weekend.
More and more people in parts of the USA are having bits of themselves taken away, bits added, changed, re-shaped and enhanced. One woman had a $1000 a day image consultant following her about clapping every time she said something and telling here to have a brow lift. Get a life please dear.
These people are so screwed up that they actually think its normal to have boobs that look like over inflated rugby balls or biceps that can act as emergency floats in the event of a sudden flood.
One of the more scary things is that these people even get to vote. But then again it is America and it doesn't matter who you vote for Hillary will still get in. But that's another story.

Gold Rush

There was an article in the news last week about a mine, not just any old mine but the world deepest goldmine in South Africa. It goes into the earth over 2 and a half miles. Or for those who have gone metric nearly 4km. WOW!
The reason that it was in the news was because they broke the lift. Yes, one lift that takes hundreds of workers at a time to the bottom of the mine was smashed and the workers were stranded for some time while emergency measures were taken to bring them back to the surface. Everyone was OK.
That was one piece of news, but the week before there was news closer to the UK. They suggested that some of the gold in the Bank of England was less pure than it should be. Shock horror.
I didn't realise this but there is about 250 tonnes of gold under the Bank of England. (There used to be a lot more but Gordon Brown sold off many tonnes when he was Chancellor- um )
Also, unless you believe the conspiracy theory that the gold in Fort Knocks had been spirited away by President Johnson, there could be another 8500 tones there.
So give or take we have about 9000 tonnes of gold sitting in just 2 buildings doing absolutely nothing. Its just "The Gold Reserve" that sits there and well that's it.
OK, so where am I going with this. Back to the story about the mine in South Africa.
Many thousand people work in this mine and although I don't remember the exact figure around 160 people got killed there last year and about 250 the year before and one year there were over 500 deaths. All they are doing remember is getting gold out the earth.
Hold on , we have that 9000 tonnes that we know about doing nothing so why dig for more and more.
Here is the plan. These guys are damn good at digging holes. Dig one under the Bank of England, your guaranteed to find 250 tonnes of already purified gold. Even if Assistant Commissioner Hayman's shooter are out they are unlikely to shoot 160 of you without someone protesting, our prisons are full and the courts useless so your on a real winner.
Once your done head for Fort Knocks.

British Gas

I moved house a couple of months ago and when I did I told loads of people, like the post office, several credit and banking organisations etc. The thing is none of them actually did anything about it. They all said thank you and sounded like they made a note but even those who send me emails saying they got my change of address still kept on writing to me at the last house.
You may have read the blog I wrote about Barclaycard and trying to tell them about the move, well British Gas are even worse. And the seriously annoying thing is I don't want to be with them anyway, but someone else didn't take note that I moved.
It started like this:-

Dear occupier, we hope you are settled in your new home, tell us who you are so we can update the records.

I phoned them, it took ages to get through and then ages to do battle with the press 1 for a life etc. (Thank heaven for http://www.saynoto0870.com/ and the 0800 listings they have for just about everything.) I explained I didn't want their gas or electricity but until it was sorted out properly here are my details.

The next day :- Dear Occupier , We wrote to you recently (yes it was yesterday) requesting your details but as we have not heard from you, if you don't contact us within 7 days we will assume the property is empty and disconnect the supply.

Well that's nice of them, I phoned them. I explained that I had explained already and the lovely woman in another country kept telling me it was their gas and electricity and I had to pay for it. Yes dear, I know, that's why I am on the phone to you now.

I got home, a card on the door mat from British Gas - We called to change your meter we will apply for a warrant if you don't let us change it. Oh excellent more grief. I phoned them.

Five days later the man arrives to change the meter, but he can't change it because the house is not shown in my name on his computer, and if I am changing supplier he will have to change it again anyway. Thats new to me.

Today a bill, to "The Occupier" its calculated by someone on the new Government training scheme and works like:- If you use 250 units in 41 days then we estimate you will use 520 units in the next 19 days that's 28 units a day. Oh for heavens sake.

I can't stand to phone again so I filled out a web page, gave them all the explanations and details. I pressed send .........

"A SYSTEM ERROR HAS OCCURRED PLEASE TRY AGAIN"

I don't think so.

BlueTongue

Baaarrr, went Sally sheep, "come one lets go and get some more."
Baaaaaa, "No my mum said I mustn't it dangerous". replied Liam Lamb.
"Your such a woos Liam I don't know why I hang about with you, you always do what mummy says and never have any fun" said Sally before she wandered off down the field.
I wish I could go, they do look really good, thought Liam
He wandered back up the field to where his mummy was.
Sally stood by the hedge eating, they were lovely, she had never thought about them before but one of her rare breed cow friends had told her about them and since then she wondered why she had never tried them.
"why are you looking so woolly" asked Liams mum. "Its no fun just standing about eating grass all day", moaned Liam, "Sally is off down the field and having so much more fun"
"I have told you its too dangerous" said his mum.
"Oh its only a few thorns our tongues are so thick they don't hurt at all, your such a spoil sport.

Derek from DEFRA shouted to his colleague"hey we got another one here"
BANG !
The world went black for Sally and she slumped into the grass.
"That's why you don't eat Blackberries Liam" Said his mum

Yes Gordon, you told us that before!

The Country waited, trembling with anticipation and excitement, agog with wonder at what this great man would say, how he would change the world, remove poverty and bring happiness to all. No, you didn't? Well just as well because in the end we had to make do with another load of hog wash from Gordon Brown at the Labour Party Conference, a man who has not quite grasped the fact that he is Prime Minister now and no longer Chancellor.

He told everyone, yet again, how he grew up, and oh did I tell you before that My father was a Church Minister, then he really got going.
He is going to remove guns from the streets - they were not there before Labour.
Teach children to read and write and with one-to-one tuition for 300,000 maths and English - that's a hell of a lot of teachers to find.

By 2010 he is going to have 2million more home owners than in 1997, Um, I have a sneaky suspicion that there have probably been just short of that number already or an I just being a sceptic.
Gordon will be tough on crime and tough on the causes of crime and that Education, Eductation , etc etc, you know the rest.

Gordon is going to employ another 5000 hospital Matrons and give them the power to make sure hospitals are clean and the power to order additional cleaning. Really, wow, so at the moment they just stand by the pile of vomit saying I really wish we could get this cleaned up but I just don't have the power.

At the end of his speech Gordon tells us this "
So this is my pledge to the British people:I will not let you down. [well not too much ]
I will stand up for our schools and our hospitals. [And you will stand too because there are not enough beds or school places.]
I will stand up for British values. [After all Britain pays twice as much as anyone else.]
I will stand up for a strong Britain . [With an independent Ireland, Wales and Scotland how strong can Britain be.]
And I will always stand up for you. - Yes of course you will Gordon.

Happy Christmas

I went to bed on the 23rd of September and slept so well I woke up and its December. Well I think it is.
I have just been shopping and in one shop a quarter of the ground floor is tinsel and Christmas crap, sorry I mean decorations.
Something is so terribly wrong with my sleep pattern.
No, I have checked, it is still September so what the on earth is going on. This month we have had The feast of the birth of Mary(Christian) Ramadan (Muslim) , Ganesh Chaturthi (Hindu) and Yom Kippur (Jewish) and there are many other religious festivals before Christmas so why oh why are shops setting up 3 months before the event with tons of rubbish that has nothing to do with anything but store profit. If they need to be prepared so far ahead I can see another problem. Next year Easter falls less than 3 months after Christmas so in December the shop will have to clear down and set up for Easter before Christmas, or maybe they will sell Christmas crackers containing chocolate eggs and small bunnies.
Its time to start a new Crusade, against "Retail Christmas "

Warning- May Contain Nuts

Earlier this year I took a flight, in order to ensure my carbon footprint doesn't drop too low, and on the flight the attendant informed us that "we will not be serving peanuts on this flight because there is a baby on board that might have a nut allergy and we don't know if it might be airborne". Crazy, this child is to spend its life in a large sealed bag I presume in case someone walks past eating a fruit and nut bar. Which brings me to the point of this blog entry.

This week a well known chocolate manufacturer has recalled thousands of bars of chocolate. There is nothing wrong with the chocolate but they forgot to print on the wrapper that the bars are made in a factory where nuts are also used. We have become a nation of warnings.
Taps that have "Warning- the water from this tap might be hot" where we used to just have a just red cap, "This drink may be hot" printed on the side of coffee cups etc.
No one is expected to think for themselves any more about what could be a danger.
Yet when we undertake something that needs a warning they are rather lacking. Take driving for example. You get behind the wheel of a car and you can do what the hell you like. It doesn't matter if you will injure or kill yourself, or maybe a line of people in a bus queue, there is no warning as you start the engine of the devastation you can cause.
But thankfully as you unwrap your bar of chocolate you will soon do so safe in the knowledge that there might be nuts in Cadbury's factory.

Carbon Offsetting Abuse

I know, its boring. Everywhere the hot topic of the moment is carbon offsetting. But it was only recently that I realised what carbon offsetting is all about. I bet you, like me, thought it was all about saving the planet. Well no.
The first thing its about is money, and lots of it. But it seems, and you could not make this up, the other thing is about abusing people in poor areas of the world. For example one company will offset your carbon by buying a foot operated water pump. Sounds reasonable?
The way this offsets the carbon you generated on your holiday flight is to take away a diesel powered water pump from a family in some less fortunate area of the world and give them the foot operated pump. They then work for 3 hours a day to pump the water they need but they don't generate any diesel fumes. Excellent, well for you on your flight anyway.
How can someone in the West ever think taking away powered equipment from a poorer nation is in any way offsetting, its just abuse.
The company doing this justifies their action by saying that the people no longer have to go to work to earn money to hire the diesel pump so they have a better quality of life as well. Tosh.
The next step could be to bring this closer to home, find everyone who can only afford say a 4 year old ford car, take it away from them and give them running shoes to offset the carbon generated by those who can afford a new BMW say.
Or take the heating away from everyone who lives in a flat and give them pullovers to offset the carbon generated by those living in large houses.
Sounds crazy doesn't it, but its exactly how some companies are offsetting your carbon, its just that those getting abused are not in this country.

From todays News

There is an interesting article in the news today about the McCanns and their missing daughter. They are to sue a newspaper that published an article saying that they had killed her, possibly in an accident. The McCanns claim that the article is a deformation of character.
Now I may be wrong, but surely to sue someone you have to prove that what they say is a lie or wrong in some way.
No one seems to know where their daughter has gone so how can the McCanns prove that they are not involved in her disappearance and therefore the paper is wrong.
Maybe they are involved, maybe they are not.
Interesting.

PC Niddy and the stolen car- A children's Story

There is a story behind this story, but I am not allowed to tell you it other than to say perhaps that it involves a senior police officer who, for some reason heaven only knows, has decided to spend tax payers money and commission a children's story about the police. This story is my offering to her, but I am not hopeful of getting the work.

Remember its a children's story:-

Niddy and the Stolen Car
The rain was drizzling in Chelmsford as PC Niddy walked back to the police station. He was not in a good mood, he was really unhappy. He was walking back but it was not his turn to be on foot patrol. The kids from the North estate had taken his police car again and he knew the Inspector would not be happy. This was the third time this week and he knew he had locked it; he even had the keys to prove it.

As he wandered he suddenly jumped as a car horn blasted as it drove past.
“Hey Niddy we got your mota, init”. One of the boys in the car shouted as they splashed him driving through a puddle.

Poor Niddy, he was now soaking wet and covered in the dirty water from the puddle as he saw his police car drive off down the road with the one blue light that still worked flashing.

Ill get those boys, he though, and when I do they will go to prison for minutes for taking my cars.

Niddy walked into the police station. “Oh no, you haven’t lost another one” the sergeant said and he saw Niddy.
“Yes I have, it’s the boys from the North estate again, they drove past and splashed me too”

“Well don’t worry too much Niddy, once we catch them we will give them a jolly good telling off this time and I will make sure they only get to watch 5 of the sports channels in the cells ” said sergeant Doddles. Niddy felt a bit better, that will really teach them.

Niddy filled in his forms about the lost police car and then went to change his wet cloths before he went to find the Inspector to ask for another car. As he walked through the police station everyone laughed “Niddy lost his police car, Niddy lost his police car” they chanted.

Niddy was very unhappy.

“You have done what” the Inspector yelled, “how can one policeman, I mean police officer lose 3 cars in a week?” he continued bellowing at Niddy
“It’s the boys from North estate” said Niddy rather sheepishly.
“Well jolly well go out and arrest them then!” replied the Inspector.

Niddy got into another police car, this was a Smart car and Niddy hated it, he knew everyone would laugh as he drove past them in it. It was covered in signs too saying how nice the police were and how they worked with the community. Niddy hated the signs.

Niddy stopped by one of the girls off the North estate, who was smoking outside the supermarket, and got out the car.
“hello “ he said in a friendly tone.
“I ain’t done nuffin” said the girl and she threw the butt of cigarette onto the pavement
“I am looking for the boys who took my car” said Niddy.
“Well I ain’t seen em, like and if I ad I wouldn’t tell you nuffin”.
Niddy got back into his car.

Further down the road Niddy saw Chavney and stopped to talk to her, he felt sure she would know who took his police car and he thought it might be her brother Scally.
“Hello Chavney, “
“Oh leave if out, What now” she replied
“Have you seen Scally today?”
“Like I’m gona tell you, anyway he got like 4 ASBOs anyhow so he don’t need to go nicking your mota, like and so like leave me alone I’m trying to get some booze”.
Niddy was cross, he didn’t like it when Chavney spoke to him like that and the fact that she mentioned his police car he knew she must know something about it.
“Look Chavney I don’t want to have to get cross with you, if you know where my police car is then you should tell me” said Niddy, remembering his conflict resolution model and that he could not hit Chavney around the ears any more.
Chavney looked at Niddy and then walked off.

It was raining again and Niddy was getting wet so he got back into his Smart car. His coat was in the police car that was stolen and the uniform store would only give him another if it was Wednesday and today was Thursday so Niddy was feeling unhappy again.

“PC NIDDY call control” his radio burst into life
“Yes this is PC Niddy go ahead”
“PC NIDDY there is someone says he has seen your police car parked on the playing field with four boys in it, can you go and look “
“OK on my way”

He drove as fast as he could to the playing field, he got up to 38 miles per hour on the main road, the tyres on the Smart car almost squealed as he went around one bend and people looked. He wished he had blue lights to flash but he kept beeping the horn instead.

As he got to the playing field PC Niddy was cross. His police car was there but it was burning. Flames were coming out the open doors and the open boot. My coat was in there, he thought as he drove towards the burning car.

“PC Niddy to control – over”
“Yes PC Niddy”
“I have found my police car, but can you get the fire brigade the boys have set it on fire”
“Ok PC Niddy”
He stood near to the burning car, at least it was warm.

Four boys walked towards him.
“Oi Niddy, like the mota, it’s well hot” one shouted. The boys laughed.
But PC Niddy was cross.
“I know you did this Scally, and you won’t get away with it this time”

“Yeah right , like you got evidence, oh looks its burning up said Scally as he threw his empty beer can into the burning car.
“That’s littering too” Said Niddy
“Whatever “Scally replied as he walked off.

Back at the fire station the firemen were almost rushing to get out of the station to attend the burning police car but Niddy didn’t wait for them to arrive, he had to get back to the police station, he had lots of forms to fill in after talking to so many people.

After he had finished writing his forms it was time for him to have his lunch.
He went to find somewhere to sit to eat but the only place he could find was in his car. He picked up his paper and began to read.

“Chief Constable announces zero crimes in Chelmsford” said the headline.

Niddy felt happy, knowing that everything was fine.

Give them my regards!

We had friends visiting the other day and my mum phoned while they were here. "oh give her my love" mum said when I told her who was visiting.

Funny isn't it the things we say to each other. Give her my love, tell him I send my regards, give them my best wishes when you see them. What does it all mean.

How do you give someone the love from someone else, love is an intangible emotion that you can feel for someone or something but you can't give it to someone on behalf of another.
What are regards, why send them. Is saying "SEND her my regards" the same as "GIVE her my regards", or when asked to send the regards do I have to actually post then even if I am seeing the person.

Assuming regards, best wishes, love or whatever can be given by a third party it seems lazy, rude even, to expect someone to give them on our behalf. Most people have a phone, cell phone, email or an address to which a letter can be sent, yet how often have you picked up the phone and the caller simply said "I just called to give you my regards, goodbye" or opened the letter to find "Regards" the only word inside.

So come on, don't ask me to give your regards, pick up the phone, pick up a pen or type an email and darn well give them yourself.

Marketing ploys

I was using the hose the other evening when I noticed the writing on it, it said that my hose was a "HOSELOCK PROFESSIONAL".
Now this struck me as interesting, someone somewhere when as what they do for a living says "I am a hose pipe user" do they.
Come on get serious what on earth is a Professional hose, and why would it be any better than say a general garden hose or maybe a weekend car washing hose.
I would hazard to guess that the professional hose differs from any other hose by about £1 a metre.
After carefully rolling up my hose onto the wall mounted winder, taking care to remember that I am not a professional so am really rather lucky to be using such a fantastic hose, I was also interested to see that the scrubbing brush was no ordinary one but a "deluxe scrubbing brush 99p". Now this is amazing not only do I have a professional hose but a deluxe scrubbing brush too. Although to me deluxe should mean something nice, cosy, well made and my scrubbing brush is just plastic flimsy and rubbish.
Could it be that we are being dooped with words into thinking things are more than they actually are. Or am I just lucky to have the best of everything, even my scrubbing brush

A problem with the Post Box

Something struck me as I was walking around the new place we live.
I was looking for a post box, to post the many letters one has to write when changing address, when I saw, about 100 yards in the distance, the distinctive red box on a post by the side of the road.
Excellent, that was easy I though as I wandered towards it. But oh no, what a mistake to make.
Am I the only one or has no one ever thought this through before.
The post box was a dog poop bin.
Who ever decided to make dog doodo bins red and about the size of a post box.
Ok, I was not fooled and spotted my mistake from a good 50 yards away, but I can't help wondering how many elderly folk, or those with eyesight problems, have not spotted the mistake and wonder why their letters never arrive.

In many countries the post box has and opening lid into which to deposit your letters. So when the tourists wonder why the post cards never get home it could just turn out that its not because the post office is shit after all.

Change of address.

We are moving house so are in the process of telling all the different utilities, banks and other people who need to know.

Some of these have been so easy, a web page, a 5 minute phone call or a letter. But Barclaycard win the prize for taking the longest to sort out.

I started on the web page, which directed me to a phone number, excellent, nope its a 0870 number stating 8pence a minute minimum charge. Oh good news the fantastic say no to 0870 site has a free phone number for them.

Its rings and a lovely Indian sounding lady answers. I tell here what I want to do. She replies "so Mr arains (close enough I let it pass) you want to give me a new address to update your details" "yes", "I need to transfer you so I will do that, is there anything else that I can do for you?", "no thank you". "OK Mr arains (its on the screen please try to pronounce it correctly) I will now transfer you"

Ring, ring ,ring, "welcome to Barclaycard calls may be recorded ....bla ... bla bla...... press 1 if you ...... press 2 if ...... press 3 if your shoes are black ....... press....press... press 6 if you want to notify us of a change of address"
SIX ------ ring ring ------- "Barclaycard Chris speaking (English accent)" "Hello I want to notify you of my new address" "I can't do that I will have to transfer you" I pressed 6 I know I did argh....

Ring, ring, ring, ring --------ring, "please key in your 16 digit account number" 4976 9029 8643 8743 (don't even think I am that stupid) "please key in your date of birth" beepbeep beep - ring, ring , "Barclaycard Simon speaking" (Simon, strange, sounds Indian to me) "How may I help you" "I want to give you my new address" " you want to give me your new address?" "yes".

"sigh, OK What is the last four digits of the card" "8743" " and for security how long have you had a Barclaycard" "Um how would I know, since I was about 17 I think, so thats, well a long time" " It says on my screen" (yes but what bloody use is that to me) "Oh I don't know maybe 25years" "well no but I can see on my screen" (yes so you said).

Help I was beginning to lose the will to go on. Eventually he decided that I had held a Barclaycard for a long time but I still don't know what it said on his screen.

We are all so used to giving the address by post code first I was amazed that he asked for the address as it was written next.

"22 Brimbledinn" "22 Cinpallkin" "No, B R I M B L E D I N N" " Dinklefin" "No, B R I M B L E D I N N" Five attempts and I still think its going to be wrong if I ever see another statement.

That is "West Mersea. W E S T M E R S E A" " wedmonsey" "NO NO." The only thing stopping me giving up was the thought that my address was no so corrupted on the computer my chance of ever seeing a statement was nill.

Eventually, after persuading him yes Essex is in the UK, I got to the post code
"CO" "PO?" "NOOOOO C O" "CO?" "yes" "8KP" "HKD" "No 8 " "H for harry?" " No 8 as in after 7 before 9" Big mistake, my post code read back was COH79HKP, please surley someone there must have been told a post code format.

I don't expect to ever see another statement from Barclaycard, and don't have a clue what to do about it. Maybe I'll just spend spend spend, after all the fraud squad will be looking for me on a small island off the coast of Australia for all I know.

Disabled - Look after your bloody self!

My faith in the world had just been shattered.
Walking home from the town I saw a girl in a wheelchair, going in the same direction as me. Having spent much of my life trying to do right and help people I could see that she was having a hard time, struggling to push herself up the road and looked like she might appreciate some help.

Forgetting that we live in a political correct world corrupted by idiots I said to the girl. " do you want a push?" Big mistake, very big mistake. "F@£* off" was the reply that greeted my offer of help.
Now maybe its me, but would a "No thank you I am quite able to look after myself," "I'm OK" or "no I rather struggle so passing people can feel sorry for me" have done far better.

When the heck did the world changed so that an offer of help is seen as something detrimental or condescending. Where does this stop. Can I ever offer to help anyone again.
I am over 6ft tall so now someone says mind your head as I walk towards a low doorway should I take exception to it and shout abuse, your only saying that because I am tall?

So, let it be know that from now on, struggle, suffer, fall, hurt and cry in pain, and don't expect any help from me if your in a wheelchair.
If you would really love some help then blame the girl in the chair tonight when I don't offer, she has really annoyed the hell out of me.

Guide to Terror Alerts

In case no one noticed we have a new Prime Minister and in order to show that he is now running the country and telling us what to do he needs to get the "Terror Fear Factor" back.

After a liberal spread of "attacks" the alert status has just been raised to Critical so here I explain what the levels are:-

CRITICAL - Don't panic, expect to be blown to bits any time any place anywhere.
SEVERE - Don't panic, there is a good chance you'll be blown up some place.
SUBSTANTIAL - Don't panic but you could be blown to bits some place.
MODERATE - Don't panic but you might be blown to bits.
LOW - Don't panic but if you do get blown up we will say "blimey that was a surprise"

There is nothing different that you can do whether the status is low or critical, it means nothing. The alert state can have no effect on the way we go about our day because we have to be aware of what is going on about us no matter what level the government is trying to scare us with.
We might as well be told "today the alert status is SAUSAGE" is means the same.

Wimbledon and Brown. Too much for one week!

There are many things that can not be explained, today two of them are bugging me.

One bugs me this time every year, Wimbledon. More specifically the tennis.
Firstly who cares, it is so much hype and secondly why the hell does no one know how to count. It is little wonder the country is in a mess when we have two weeks where people count 0-15-30-40-advantage, and for the love of sanity what the hell is a deuce.
How did this start and why oh why does it continue.
Ill guess, is it because tennis is a poncey game that has for too long been associated with people who think England still has an Empire?
Please, as if it matters, the BBC change their programming to cover two weeks of a sport that a minority of people are interested in. I loath Wimbledon, the insane way people queue overnight to get into watch it. What is the matter with them. If you camped out on any other street in London you would quite rightly be arrested for being a vagrant, but outside Wimbledon, instead of being committed to the asylum you get interviewed on TV. Total madness.

The second thing bugging me is Brown and slimy, no I am not referring to the streets of Sheffield after the floods, I meant the other slimy Brown, Gordon.
Can anyone explain how he is Prime Minister, yet no one in England, Wales or N. Ireland has ever voted for him and he has not even been voted P.M. by the Labour party.
Every news bulletin is going on about "his middle class background" "his father was a church minister". So what. His background is from being the Chancellor who for 10years has refused to listen to people, those telling him to change the stamp duty taxes, those who told him to review inheritance tax, those from whom he took millions of pounds of pensions. A man who has put the country into enormous debt.
And now, as P.M. he is going to "listen to the people"
Yes of course he is!

Another glass of red ?

It astounds me how many people are happy to throw all manner of rubbish onto the streets.
I have recently exchanged a number of emails with the local council asking why none of it is picked up by the litter collectors any more. As I expected they went to great lengths to send me the stock "cut and paste" reply which made me realise I am not the only one disgusted with the rubbish tip that is now Chelmsfords streets.

Plastic bottles, cigarette butts and packets seem to be most prevalent but I have also seen used babies nappies in road gutters. How very pleasant, and certainly shows the child will be brought up as a fine member of the community. Help!

Litter was not going to be the subject of this blog but somehow I had distracted myself from what I though I was going to write about and that is the latest government plan to stop me drinking.

Apparently my glass of wine in the evening, or a few pints in the pub now and again are costing the NHS too much money and I need to be stopped. Trust me, if I didn't have a few glassed of red to de-stress the NHS would be spending far more.
What amazed me about an article I read was that one of the problems that stopping me drinking too much red wine "at home" will solve is antisocial behaviour, such as urinating in the streets. Wot?! Strangely, as far as I can recall anyway, I have never felt the need to rush out the front door after a few glasses of wine and urinate in the road. And, unless the neighbour's cat was likely to be in range, in which case its get my own back time, I can't see me doing so.
Guessing from the bottle recycling bins on Fridays others in my road enjoy a glass or 6 of wine at home too, and again I've never seen any of them taking a quick slash by the front door.
On what planet do these government advisers live, or are they going on the behaviour of those in the 1800s when a guest would either relieve themselves in the street or behind a hanging tapestry in more upper classes homes. Sounds delightful doesn't it.

The article then goes on to explain that those who urinate in the street walking home from the pub can expect to be given a £80 fixed penalty fine to discourage both heavy drinking and antisocial behaviour.

Which kind of links in with the start of this blog, in a society that does not fine or otherwise deter people from dropping litter, including poo filled nappies, we are going to somehow find the resources to fine people for urinating on the way home from the pub, as a way of deterring people from drinking too much and save the NHS money.

Someone is taking the piss!

Mortgage - Apply online. Its a rather long blog!

We are moving house and I am after a small mortgage and thought I would share the story so far.

It started 5 weeks ago, I went into the building society branch, lets call them Nationthin Building Society. (CUSTOMER SATISFACTION LEVEL 100%)
I took my place in a queue and got to the window. "Id like to talk to someone about a mortgage", "You need to speak to the woman at the front" (C.S.L.98%) I join a strange queue to see a woman standing in the middle of the shop behind a small desk and computer. After listening to the confidential money affairs of the people in front, its impossible not to, it was my turn. "Id like to speak to someone about a mortgage please" "We don't do that in the branch". (C.S.L. 85%) Well silly old me, thinking I could sort out a mortgage in a building society. "You can fill in the application on line, or take a form and post it in".
Ok, I enjoyed the walk into town anyway, Ill walk back and turn on the computer.

I opened the website and filled in loads of details. It gave me a print of what I wanted so I spent a few hours doing the same on every other bank and building society I could think of. Excellent Nationthin have the best rate for what I want.

I fill in the form and hit submit. I will have a phone call or message in 24 hours with a decision, it tells me.
Six days, nothing. (C.S.L 80%) I send one of the online banking messages enquiring.
The next day a reply, Sorry, they said, we have not given you a very good service, this stage is approved please complete the rest of the form.

Form completed, hit send, ERROR PAGE TIMED OUT, bugger. (C.S.L 75%). Oh excellent not only a time out but all the details are lost. I try again, and again, and again. Nope it won't accept the details.

I can see your getting bored here so Ill skip forward.

A few phone calls and visits to the website later I get the form to go through. I pay loads of money for fees and surveys and within no time at all a phone text. We have arranged the survey. Fantastic.

Oh, another text, "please see your online messages". OK , online message "the product you requested is no longer available". Oh, I thought it was a mortgage but I will play along with the new business speak. (C.S.L 70%)

I phone Nationthin the next day. My call is so important to them they can't be bothered to have staff its a voice recognition computer telling me to speak to it. I say "mortgage" "I think you said mortgage" the voice replied "if so say yes". I obey. I get another 6 selections then get to music on hold for about 15 minutes. Then click. brrrrrrr. "the other person has cleared" . (C.S.L 50%)

Ring again, the computer voice drives me crazy so I hit zeros until it rings and "switchboard" answers. I get put through. Detailed explanation, "you need sales" - transferred, - detailed explanation, "you need the mortgage department" - transferred back, "no you do need sales" - brrrrrr - cut off. (C.S.L 30%).
I phone a third time, 4th time, 5th time, 6th time over two days, and explain again and again to a series of disinterested call centre staff. I ask for the supervisor, but they can't put me through to one . (C.S.L ZERO). "

I am boring myself with this so lets skip forward to today.

Five weeks after the application started, 8 hours on 15 or so phone calls over several weeks, my mortgage offer is here. Yes it arrived.

Its wrong!

Free Alan

I walked past the local BBC radio station yesterday and all around, planted like some strange forest are laminated signs. They show a picture of Alan Johnston and have the words "Free Alan Johnston".
Alan is the BBC correspondent kidnapped in Gaza, and everyone hopes that he will be released soon, but what I am being asked by these posters to do.

Are these signs to raise awareness, but what does that achieve in Chelmsford, OK so I am aware of his plight but actually can't do damn all about it, are they saying that I have to free him, in which case, sorry can't help there either, my hot line to the terrorists has been cut. Are they saying that there is a free Alan Johnston available at the receptions.
Someone in the BBC decided to spend the licence money on signs that serve no purpose and have no impact on the release of Alan, unless, maybe his captors happen to drive through Chelmsford, see the signs and suddenly think "yes I think we will free him".
Not only did they place one sign they placed about 15 and everyone driving and walking past must look at the signs and think the same, what the hell are they saying to me?

Please if you know the point of these posters hit the email button and let me know.

Dirty Dishcloth.

There are some things that defy understanding, standing at the sink washing up the breakfast things I notice one of them. How come that the dishcloth, that is less than a week old, looks grubby already.

It started life all white and fresh but in 4 days it has become off white and in need of bleaching. The troubling thing, for me at least, is that the dish cloth is in hot detergent water for most of its working life, being plunged and squeezed and generally agitates in a detergent that is specifically designed to shift grease and dirt from all manner of pots and pans.

I checked the content of the washing up liquid it its main cleaning agent is something called "non-ionic surfactants" which seems to be the exact same thing that makes up washing machine liquid. So the question is, how does a dish cloth get dirty washing about in the same cleaning stuff that gets clothes clean in the washer.
I suspect is connected with my next dilemma- Why do dishwashers need cleaning.

Every time a dishwasher is in use you put in it the latest wonder agent that will wash cleaner than anyone ever believes is possible. Yet as the plates get cleaned the machine gets dirty. How do they make a cleaning substance that knows it is only to clean the pots and pans and leave the dishwasher greasy?
No, really, how do they? As I said its the same thing that makes the dishcloth dirty.
I didn't say I knew what it was.

Cancer drugs- A Rather Political blog

There has been a lot of talk about the NHS not funding drugs for people who have cancer, and when a friend announced he is doing a run for "cancer research" I started wondering where the money he raises actually goes.

Those that have lived through cancer and others who have relatives and friend who had, or have cancer, are always raising money but there are very few articles on "free cancer drugs for all patients".

Should I be worried, am I being cynical as usual, or is all this money being ploughed, directly or indirectly, into the pockets of the share holders of the Pharmaceutical industry.

If you look at the sites about cancer research fund raising they say they support scientists and organisations who are finding new cures and ways to treat cancer and save lives. This sounds excellent and I would certainly support this.

There is another interesting organisation that crops up on TV adverts. Its often seen as "recommended by" in regard to magical wrinkle cream. But don't be fooled.

This "Foundation" is an organisation that is funded by cosmetic companies (strangely their web page on funding is no longer available) and no prize for guessing that the products they "recommend" are made by the companies they are funded by.
It is very much a case of Mr Whippy recommends Whippy Ice cream!
The foundation, another registered charity, is also running skin cancer research fund raising events.

So if your tempted to walk for skin or run for cancer maybe remember one of the big pharmaceutical companies only made £7.9 billion last year. Come on run faster!

Exclusive from the G8

I have obtained exclusive rights to publish a short transcript of a conversation overheard when a microphone was left on at the G8 summit earlier today:-

Bush – Hi ya Putin hows it going.
Putin – Not so good, Not so good at all.
Bush – What’s up buddy.
Putin - I have told my people that we are going to arm ourselves against the evils of the USA but I don’t have the money.
Bush – Well I just might be able to help there.
Putin – I see.
Bush - I have a load of spares nukes that were supposed to be found in Iraq, they didn’t get there in time, the weapons inspectors had checked all the credible hiding places before they were in place.
Putin – I see
Bush – I can let you have them for say 50billion barrels of oil and a promise that you won’t fire them at us.
Putin – I think that seems fair. After all if I fire them then no one will buy my gas and oil so Russia will starve. But won’t the rest of Europe think its suspicious we have US weapons.
Bush – We have had them painted in Iraq flags already, we can do a paint job for you for say another billions barrels.
Putin – OK
Bush – so it will be alright if we go ahead with the Son of Star Wars in your back yard then?
Putin – Yes no problem. What are the chances of the system actually working?
Bush – Not much, but it gives us an excuse to station troops in Europe.
Putin- When can you deliver?
Bush – Well we have then stashed in the UK so after the paint job probably within the month.
Putin – Excellent, excellent I am most grateful.
Blair – Hello, I’m Tony, this is my farewell conference.
Putin / Bush – Yes Tony we know, you have told us 5 times.
Bush – Is this mic on? Bash , bash – Oh hell not again.

Click

Big Brother - Reality TV or not?

I don't watch Big Brother but unfortunately others decide that what happens on there is national news. I am still awaiting the one based on the book by Ben Elton "Dead Famous" where someone in the Big Brother house is murdered on live TV but no one knows who done it.

The last UK Big Brother was the Jade incidents, this time its a "racial" incidents again.

No one seriously believes that Jade was voted out. She was about the only interesting thing going on, so why would the people who watch it vote for her to leave. They would want her there to see what other chaos she could cause. So I suspect another TV phone in fraud to protect the narrow minded watchers who could not make up their own mind about the whole racial abuse thing.

Now another person has been "removed" from the house for using the word "Nigger". Quick someone get me a chair I need to sit down.

The definition of the word reality includes defining it as "everything that exists" and, rightly or wrongly, the word nigger definitely exists in use in the UK, it is in the Oxford English Dictionary too.
Nigger was not always a disparaging term, it comes from the Latin for black which is "Niger". But some how it is became acceptable, even encouraged, to call a black person black but not to call them black in Latin.

While discussing unacceptable, you may not call some one a PAKI but its OK to call someone a BRIT. Correct me if I am wrong but PAKI is short for Pakistani and Brit is the same number of letters from the word British, but we British are not allowed to be offended by that.

Returning swiftly to my point here, Big Brother is billed as a Reality TV show. - The reality of life is that people say things that others may find offensive. - If anything that may be offensive is removed from reality then you no longer have reality.

If Big Brother is no longer reality then why bother.

Amazing News

I was in the gym changing today and Sky News was on. This in itself is strange considering the battle with Virgin Media and Sky and the fact I was in a Virgin Gym, but what was also strange was the News. "The Prime Ministers' plane has landed in Germany and we now go there live" . "The British Airways plane landed here a few moments ago and very soon the Prime Minister will be getting off the plane and into the helicopter which will take him to the summit."

Back to the studio and where we were told "As soon as the Prime Minister starts to get off the place we will go back to Germany live"

Now despite the fact that the British Airways jet was probably the only one to leave on time today, and he probably was not asked to pay £200 for each bag then searched twice, although as one of the biggest threats to world peace I think he should have been, there really is nothing at all interesting about his plane landing in Germany.

And as for going back to Germany live when he gets off, the only interesting thing there would be if they forgot the ramp and he fell out of the plane. Thank you Sky news, we know what a plane looks like, we also unfortunately know what the Prime Minister looks like.

What would be news is if they explained why someone, who won't be in the job for much longer, is flying to a summit that has no effect on anything important.

Hopefully at this great piss up at our expense he will remember all his government advice and not drink, smoke, eat salt fat or sugar and to watch his carbon footprint. But then as he has just taken a jumbo jet and helicopter to Germany from London I don't hold out much hope.

Jump on the Band Wagon

There is one thing about a blog that is rather amazing. I can write about anything I like and billions of people all over the world can read it. Maybe not everyone will read it all at once, but it is still rather fun thinking that perhaps they might.

I can't let today go past without a comment on the Olympic Games logo.

I thinks its fantastic. Its brilliant, the best logo that I have ever seen. It just shouts Zoooooooo. If you add an M at the end it would shout zoom, which is going fast, and that is what the Olympics is all about.

And Loony lord Coe said so many lovely management speak words about it, it must be the best thing since the last best thing he told us was brilliant.

Just because millions of us think its crap is because we are not Lords so can't begin to understand the complexity and fantasticness of it.

Well done Loony Lord Coe and all your loony mates, spending £400,000 on a logo I could have designed for a tenner when you want the public to find you £9billion to put on the games. No wonder your a Lord.

Ten Items or Less

I only have a little space for this entry as I am restricted to 25 words:-

When I walked up to get a newspaper at the weekend I was amazed at how many people get up early to go shopping. It must have got to the stage where it would be better to get up late and find everyone else has finished and gone home.
I only wanted a paper, well I wanted a bar of chocolate too but as I reached for it I heard that woman off the telly, you know the one, McKeith, shouting in my ear, "Its full of fat, Don't you know how much sugar there is in enjoying yourself". I am thinking of taking her to court, she has ruined my life. Every time I see something nice to eat or drink there she is, screaming, it will kill me if I dare to buy it.
So I moved carefully past the chocolates and battled the voices in my head "go on I dare you" "Its full of fat" "yes but its so nice" " I can't believe you would buy such rubbish" and eventually got to the checkout.
I nearly made the mistake of going to the new self scan self pay one, but call centre automation leaves me screaming at computer voices so I could not trust myself not to smash the hell out of a checkout telling me "sorry the bar code is not recognised, please key in the 2000 digit number followed but a 500 word description of the item", so I went to the 10 items or less.
I know now, because I saw it as I left the shop, that I could have paid for a newspaper at the tobacco counter but I thought I would risk taking the paper and the 25 inserts that come with a weekend paper through as less than 10 items.
Ok, yes, I know it's sill but as I queued I could not help but notice the woman 2 in front had taken 11 items through. What is it with these people, it's less than 10, not less than 12 or 15 its 10. But the checkout operator doesn't say a word, just "have you got a club card" then takes the money.
Then I see it, the basket of the next woman. It's a good job I don't work there, 17 items, mostly tins of cat food. Its less than 10, what is so bloody difficult about that. Then out comes a wad of discount vouchers, none of which the computer accepts and each are scanned and handed back.

I have got rid of McKeith from my head and now have Mr angry shouting "for Christ sake you are already treading on thin ice with 17 items, just pay and leave" .
Some how I, and the queue behind me, remain calm and pretend counting goes 1-9, 17, 10.