Life, The Universe and Small Things all covered in one friendly blog.
Remember DON'T PANIC! .

22 November, 2007

Revenue and Customs T-shirt Offer

I am please to tell you that I have secured a contract to supply Revenue and Customs security T-shirts. To obtain yours send details of your bank account and sort code, plus your pin, name address and mothers maiden name, first school attended, pets name and favorite colour.

21 November, 2007

Gordon Brown and the fight against terror

Gordon lay in his bed waiting for his father to come and say goodnight. Clutching the sheets around him he watched the door hoping that when it opened it would only be his father.
The door opened "arrr noo" he yelled.
"Its only me Gordon" said his fathers reassuring voice. "The bogey man won't get you I keep telling you its ok"
"Dad, put my soldiers along the window ledge please and put the heavy books beside the cupboard door"
"Ok, your just getting yourself all worked up again, the window is shut and the glass will stop any bogey man better than plastic soldiers"
"No, I want the soldiers there too dad, please and put the mirror so that I can see behind the wardrobe too I want to know its safe"
"Look Gordon your nearly 16 its time you stopped being so worried about these childish things"
"Its not childish dad, Simon got eaten by the bogey man"
"Simon is just a storybook Gordon he didn't really get eaten by anything, especially not a bogey man" said his father frantically trying to get out of the room.
"Give me the bible dad I want it under my pillow too, and my compass that you gave me I want that here"
"Now stop, stop, this is getting so silly, just settle down and get to sleep"
"But what if the bogey man can get through the light sockets, or through the taps, put something there dad, please I don't feel at all safe here, we need to get more security on the house put up a new fence maybe"
"Right that's it I have had enough of this nonsense and you are getting sillier every night, goodnight I am going downstairs"
Gordon pulled the covers up tight and watched the mirror at the side of the wardrobe, eventually he fell to sleep.
.........YEARS LATER........
"Prime Minister are you sure that putting security scanners at 250 railway stations will actually do anything, after all there are over 2500 stations in the country?" asked the Home Secretary
"I have a duty to the people of this country to keep them safe" Said Gordon.
"P.M. why do you keep watching that mirror."

19 November, 2007

PC Niddy fights the green war on Terror

Following on from the last episode of PC Niddy, today he helps to save the planet:-

PC Niddy left the police station with a spring in his step. Today he was going to make a difference and do exactly what the nice Gordon Brown had asked him to, fight the war against green terror.
"Hello PC Niddy" Said Mrs Miggins as Niddy walked into the shop "Lovely day isn't it "
"Not so good" replied Niddy
"Oh come on the sun is out there is a lovely autumn chill in the air and my jam tarts are just finished" said Mrs Miggins.
"Mrs Miggins I am arresting you for terrorism" said PC Niddy.
"You what, oh you are funny some times, do you want one of my jam tarts, I have apricot ones"
"No Mrs Miggins I don't want a tart, you are under arrest. we have had a report from the council recycling team that you have not recycled a single thing for weeks and in my books that is an attack on the planet, under the green terrorism laws I now have to arrest you before you destroy the Earth, we also have you on four separate CCTV screens putting a cardboard box into your black sack rubbish"
"Niddy, I have always liked you but today you have really gone bonkers" replied Mrs Miggins.
"You would say that, as a terrorist you will say anything to get away with it, that is why we can now lock you away for months until you confess to your wrong doings" Said Niddy as he took hold of Mrs Miggins arm.
"I don't have time for your games, I have another 50 pies in the oven and rolls to bake" Said Mrs Miggins as he shrugged away from Niddy.
"You really have to come with me, I am also arresting you for giving out plastic carrier bags and for not having energy efficient light bulbs in the shop under the Gordon Brown act of 2007" Said Niddy.
"Right! That's it! get out of my pie shop you have gone raving mad, if you don't get out Ill do something you really can arrest me for" shouted Mrs Miggins as she picked up a large french loaf."
Mrs Miggins hit PC Niddy with the french stick as he pushed him towards the door.
"There is no need to do this, you are only making things worse, come on Mrs Miggins"
"You have totally lost it Niddy, get out and don't come back unless you calm down and get over all this green terrorism rubbish. You are not going to save the planet all you will do is waste all my pies when they burn, look you have already caused me to ruin a French stick"
Niddy walked out of the shop.
"Ill be back"

15 November, 2007

Baby on board.

Driving yesterday I came up behind a people carrier being driven far too slowly and was immediately alerted to the sticker in the back window "Baby on board" which got me wondering what people think it means.

The way this particular vehicle was being driven I could have easily believed the baby was driving and I am reasonably sure it could not have done a worse job. But what do the people who put the stickers in car windows think they say. Is it "drive more carefully", in which case do they think its OK to crash into the back of cars with no sticker or is it that they simply want to tell everyone, "hey I am driving like a complete moron because I am changing the baby and about to breast feed it as soon as we get into a 30 limit". I guess it could be beware baby on board the woman driver may have post natal depression and likely to do something stupid at any moment.

The other sticker that goes with the same way of thinking is , in my opinion, the stupid "Princess on board". All these stickers only do one thing and that is distract the driver behind who while they are reading the sticker may fail to notice the brake lights .

Of course "Princess on board takes on a different picture when connected with this one

14 November, 2007

H5N1 Bird Flu

No one can have escaped the fact that we are getting near to Christmas, its been in the shops for the past 3 months and turkeys all over the UK are getting scared. So scared in fact that they are committing mass suicide to escape the Christmas table. Unfortunately they don't know its suicide "gobble, gobble, hey sneeze on me give me that cold I hear they let you go if you have a cold, most of the barn next door is empty cos they all caught it, gobble, gobble , sneeze"
There are the usual joke conspiracies going about that the beef industry has started it because they lose out at Christmas or that the Government is about to do something they want us to miss so have called up a few thousand more dead animals, it always works to distract. That sounds the most feasible. A writer in a well knows paper keeps referring to Gordon Brown's policies as all "gobble, gobble" so it could be connected
Yet I digress.
My main question is why the media have to confuse us with technical details, H5N1, means what and to who, we are told there are different strains of it, so is that H5N2 or H6N1 and does it matter. I know you must not confuse H2O with H2SO4 but what is H5N1 is it just a name or do we need to know what it stands for.

12 November, 2007

Speeding Kills - Speed cameras only kill the fun of driving.

Excellent, the government wants to change the way people are fined for speeding and to increase the number of 20mph limits. Now it would be cynical of me to think that this is all about money.
There are many things about driving that need to be changed but, I suggest, speeding penalties should be very low on the list at the moment.
If I drive at 36mph in a 30 limit I stand to get a fine and points on my licence, these points will mean that my car insurance may also go up. If, on the other hand, I drive my car into someone else, maybe kill or injure a few I can go to court. It is in my favour that with the right lawyer and some daft people on the jury I stand a good chance it being "just an accident" and I won't even get a fine. So 6mph over the limit is a fine but others dead or injured is nothing. No don't scoff it happens all the time.
With all these slow speed limits that you have to keep a good eye on the speedo to stick to 30, to stay at 20 you won't have chance to look at the road you will need to have both eyes glues to the speedo, how does this make the roads safer. There used to be a law that a man with a red flag walked in front of a horseless carriage, if we drop speed limits a little more we can re-introduce that maybe.
I followed a driver for about 8 miles along lanes where there was no chance of overtaking, he was driving at between 25 and 30 mph all the way, the speed limit was 60. I found it wonderful to sit at 25mph watching his brake lights every time a leaf blew into the road or the road changed direction by a degree. Was he a good safe driver, no way , he was the kind of driver that should be fined and made to take a taxi. But I bet the anti speed campaign lobby would love him.
Speed does not kill, Inappropriate speed kills, there is a very big difference.

08 November, 2007

Research? Who needs it we have Ministers!

Am I the only one to notice that no matter who has conducted research, carried out tests or spent billions of pounds on experiments there is one person who already knew the answer and just needed to be asked.
Last week a study by experts stated that the millions of pounds that has been spent on teaching children to read and write has not made any difference. These people looked at all the fact and information and did a lot of research. But "Nonsense " says a minister you are wrong!
Train companies published details of how they need to increase their train capacities and how things are really not going very well when it comes to fitting passengers into trains, they say that they need to increase capacity by X% by 2012. "Nonsense" says a minister you are wrong its all going fantastically.
Army leaders "Our troops need more equipment" - Minister "no everything is fine "
Motoring organisations "Research shows using the hard shoulder as a driving lane is dangerous" - Minister "No its perfect and wont cause any problems"
Almost anything that you can think of that has ever been researched and published results in the government finding some half brain of a minister to say "your wrong, everything is fantastic".
So if these ministers are so darn clever why are people wasting billions of pounds doing any research at all, just have a room full of ministers and ask them anything you need to know.
Or maybe get sneaky, and publish "research shows that the Gordon Brown is the best thing for Britain since sliced bread" go on minister, your turn.

01 November, 2007

Healthy Eating.

An article yesterday informed me that I should not eat Pork or Ham or Bacon as this will increase my risk of cancer and that red wine is also going to increase the risk, yet hold on red wine was good for my heart a few days ago, so its a toss up between cancer or heart disease, how the hell do we make that choice.
It is time that we had a total up on what we can and can't eat or drink so here goes based on actual articles:-
Avoid cakes and biscuits as as they have too much fat oh and sugar. Avoid healthy eating health bars because they have too much sugar (probably not enough fat). Stay well away from red meat and chicken often has added pork fat so avoid that too. Bacon as I have already said is now off and so is ham
Chocolate is definitely a no no and ice cream, forget it.
Don't go near dairy produce and beware that a lot of vegetables have traces of chemicals in them from spraying etc.
Keep off the beer and spirits and remember many fruit juices have too much sugar, if they don't then they probably have too much fruit acid so best to be avoided. Likewise an apple a day will rot your teeth
Its best to avoid breads as too much wheat is not good and not all tin food is as fresh as we think so maybe pass on that.
We are left with water, which if you buy bottled may contain way too many elements you would be better off not having but I think tap water is still allowed although there are two opinions on too much or too little being bad for me.
So that's clear then, don't eat any of the above, maybe risk the odd glass of water and you can live forever.