Life, The Universe and Small Things all covered in one friendly blog.
Remember DON'T PANIC! .

25 May, 2009

What a load of SH*T

We have just driven home on a stretch of road where rich people live. How do I know that they are rich people, well actually it is because of horse manure. Yes that's right, they must be rich because they have horses. As you drive along this stretch of road they are all selling bags of horse shit but at different prices. The lowest at the moment seems to be 20p a bag "please return bags".

You have to wonder who it was that thought it a reasonable idea to actually ask people for money to take away their horses shit for them. And who was the first idiot to agree to pay for it, thereby setting a precedence and making it OK.

Why should I pay to do someone the enormous favour of taking a load of unwanted crap off their hands, can you imagine ever doing it for other kinds of the same. Maybe I could save money on the water rates and get rid of the toilet, crap in a bag sit it by the front gate with a little sign and ask others to take it off my hands for £1. YUCK ! OK no , sorry very bad image there.

Yet some how it has become OK to have sacks of horse muck sitting on the front of your very expensive house.

Hold on though, horse muck is not the most expensive poo you can buy, I have a box of organic fertiliser in the shed, its actually chicken crap, it smells so bad that I can't use it on the garden this time of year for fear that someone will call the council thinking the drains are blocked. This crap was about £2 for a box, so weight for weight that is far more than the 20p a sack of horse poo.

Although I guess you need a lot more chickens to get a bag of poo than you need horses for a sack load I still think that the compost heaps at the top of the garden will provide all the organic matter I need for the vegtables.
I really don't know why I bought the chicken poo, anyone need a box, if so let me know and Ill mail it to you.

12 May, 2009

It's OK, Panic Over!

Thank goodness it arrived I had been worried for days thinking that maybe mine was lost or perhaps we had been forgotten. I was ready to phone friends and ask them if they had received it yet, but now I don't have to worry any more.

I heard the letter box go and, as I have done for days, hurried to the door, yes oh yes its here. I am saved. The long awaited has arrived and now I can relax. The panic is over and all the answers are here, I now have all I need to survive.

I have to read it carefully and understand all that it tells me so I put the kettle on to make coffee, then I will sit down and read every word.
As the kettle begins to warm up I open it up and begin to read, before the kettle reaches boiling I have finished it. But hold on, this is not what I expected, it doesn't tell me anything, it might as well be a blank piece of paper, every thing on it has already been said a hundred times on the TV, radio and in the papers. There must be more, this must be a mistake.

But no, there is nothing more to it. The government information leaflet on swine flue turns out to be as much use as a chocolate T-pot.

10 May, 2009

DNA - A little bit Innocent

The way laws are written is often confusing, sending you to pages of information just to complete one sentence with entries such as "subject to section 5 sub-section 4a of regulations 3 the meaning of [term] shall be taken as ....." and so on.

It is written like this so that lawyers, barristers and the like can make a lot of money from clients who simply don't have time to read 20 books to understand if it is ok to do some small act.

Recently an E.U. court has told the UK that it is unlawful to keep the DNA of people who are not convicted of a crime. But rather than do as they are told and remove the DNA the government has come up with an intriguing solution:-

Get arrested for a minor offence and found innocent and your DNA will be destroyed after 6 years. Get arrested for a serious offence and found innocent then your DNA will be held for 12 years before it is destroyed.

Hold on. If you are innocent you are innocent there are no degrees of it. Should we now expect court verdicts along the lines of, "your honour we find the defendant a little bit innocent of murder and a lot innocent of manslaughter and completely innocent of any thefts".

Those in favour of the new scheme say that people who are arrested for an offence, and found innocent, are more likely to commit another one. Hold on they didn't commit the first offence, remember that's what innocent means.

The usual drongos were on the radio saying "if you have done nothing wrong then you have nothing to fear". Yet despite what some would have us think DNA from crime scenes is not totally reliable. Perfect DNA is seldom found so a DNA trace could result in a 1 -1000 hit rate. This means if everyone in the UK was on the database there could be 60000 suspects for a single DNA sample left at any particular scene. So you stand a 1 in a 1000 chance of being wrongfully arrested.

Now tell me there is nothing to worry about.