Life, The Universe and Small Things all covered in one friendly blog.
Remember DON'T PANIC! .

29 May, 2007

Buying a House

We are trying to move home. Its the fist time I have moved in 14years and I had forgotten how bureaucratic and stupid house buying in this country is.
There are the obvious gripes, like why the hell should I pay the government a percentage of the house price in the way of stamp duty, but then these is the other amazing thing called a solicitor.
These people think its the 1800s, that the only form of communication is by stage coach and that they are doing you a favour by accepting your work.

At last there is good news. In order to standardise the way everything is purchased all shopping will be conducted along the same lines as a house purchase.

I have managed to obtain a copy of the new rules for supermarkets:-

1) Upon entering the store please select a trolley, the use of the trolley will attract a £25 non refundable charge. No shopping may be conducted without a trolley.

2) Before selecting any items it is necessary to have a trolley safety certificate. This certificate costs £10. No trolley may be used without the safety check certificate and a new certificate must be issued to each customer.

3) In order to use the trolley in the store you must have the trolley searched to ensure nothing has been left in the trolley. Even if this search has been conducted as you selected the trolley another must be done before you select the first item. This search will cost £15.

3) You can now select the items you want. The store is sorry but we can not tell you the price of items until you reach the checkout as the prices may change as you do your shopping.

4) At the end of your shopping please present a photo id before offering payment. This is a government requirement to prevent something but they have not decided what yet. We will need to phone to check the details you provide are correct. This call will cost £20

5) You may now offer payment. However you wish to pay we will need to send a telex confirming the payment to your bank. This telex will cost you £35.

6) After completing your shopping and making your payment please leave your trolley and goods in the store where they can be collected 4 weeks later. There will be a charge of £220 to register the goods in your name.

Tooth Ache

A friend of mine visited today, she recently had root canal work and a crown on a tooth. She was amazed how painless it all was. After all everyone says it will really hurt and cost a fortune. Luckily there is a great dentist in the town that actually still does NHS work so it cost her just under £200.

The thing is, she has now got tooth ache and that's actually not possible when you have had the root out, so she thinks there might be a problem.

As she was passing she went into the dentist to get an appointment. "Next Tuesday" the receptionist announced. "sorry Ill be on holiday and I would like to get it seen to before I go, in case it gets worse" she replied. "Well you can get an emergency appointment tomorrow" "Excellent Ill have one of those please" "you need to phone in tomorrow morning, but its best to call in at 8am because they go fast".

What, hold on, she was there, standing in front of the receptionist that she will speak to on the phone tomorrow and she was telling her to go away and phone in. Something is definitely wrong.

Despite protests she has come away and will phone in the morning and hope the appointment, that she knows was available as she stood in front of the desk, might still be available if she manages to get through at 8am.

If it was me I would have sat down and refused to leave until either 8am or they allocated me the appointment.

Then I realised it is not just the dentist that operates this ludicrous system. If I go to my doctor, at say 4pm, and there isn't any appointments left but there are loads left for the following day then I too have go home and phone at 8am. Despite actually standing in the waiting room 16hours before talking to the very same person that will answer the phone.

Is it me or has the whole world gone mad?

27 May, 2007

It's a War you know

At last 1984 is here.
The power mad Government of the UK is saying that the police should have the powers to stop and question anyone for no other reason than to stop and question us.
We are at War against terror and so anything goes we are told.
Well, actually we are not at war against anyone, its all a government ploy to make us comply with any thing they tell us to. If we don't then we must be a terrorist and so need to be locked up for the good of the country.
We are one small step away from a police state. And knowing how mad the local Chief Constable is he will jump as any new powers to bolster his dismal crime detection figures.

Having just read several news comment pages of people saying "if you have done nothing wrong then you have nothing to fear". I have to disagree.
Already if I drive about the town my car registration is scanned and recorded many time. I am captured on CCTV walking, cycling or shopping all over the place and phone call, text message or email are recorded and kept.
I have nothing to worry about because I have done nothing wrong? So if I have done nothing wrong what right has the local council, the local tesco, the local shop to record me and keep these recording.
I used to work in an organisation into which CCTV was relayed. One evening the screen was zooming in on the rather large busts of a female as she walked doing nothing wrong in the High Street. Was she concealing some terrorist weapon, was she a threat to the safety of the people of Essex.
No. The CCTV operator was abusing his authority and powers and also did not know that the two other people working in my office were females who had no interest what so ever in the woman's breasts.
We have a government that is abusing its powers and wants to treat us all as if we are all criminals, if we don't comply them we must have something to hide.

The only things being hidden are the real plans of this government who will not be happy until they can trace everyone of us every second of the day and have total control over our lives.
Be scared someone is watching you, even if you are doing nothing wrong.

23 May, 2007

Another theory on Global Warming.

I have another new theory on global warming, its being caused by fat people.
Yes that's right. If you have ever put your hand on the side of a car wheel at the end of a journey you know its hot. That's friction. It's caused by the bearing spinning at several thousand rpm causing them to heat up. A wheel with greater mass heats up more because it takes more energy to turn it and so there is greater friction.
The earth is a spinning globe in space and we are surrounded with atmosphere, the more mass there is the more friction there is and so the hotter things will get.
And so my theory is that as there are more fat people there is more mass and so more friction equals more heat. Therefore we have global warming.

As a theory its total nonsense but I though I would share it with you anyway.

20 May, 2007

Lost Pen

I went on holiday and took with me my favorite pen. Its a lovely pen very nice and to me priceless and totally irreplaceable. Its a pen I have had for nearly 4 years and has gone everywhere with me.
Anyway the thing is I left my pen on its own in the hotel lounge while I popped out and had a tapas in the bar just a few yards away. It really wasn't far away and I thought that I would hear the pen roll off the table if it did and so it would be alright while I had my dinner. It was after all just the best pen I could ever own and so I knew it would be fine left on a table on its own.
Well, when I got back to the hotel I found, bloody hell my pen has gone. I ran to the hotel reception and asked them where my pen was. "sorry I don't think we have seen it" .
I called the police. They came and I told them I just left my irreplaceable pen on a table while I went for dinner. It was with two small pencils that I had also left there. The local police had a look, but well to tell you the truth I am not very impressed with them they just didn't seem to know how to go about looking for a lost pen.
I called the press and told them about my pen and they sent some reporters who knew how to look for lost pens and how to get the police working properly.
The reporters also called back to the UK and got some politicians involved at saying how badly the local police were at looking for my lost pen and even got them to talk about it in the House of Commons.
I went on TV and told everyone how I had loved my pen and how I was so very careful not to lose it and all I did was leave it on a table and go off to dinner.
Everyone was so nice and told me that it was not my fault and that someone must have taken my pen and leaving it on a table was a perfectly acceptable thing to do.
That nice footballer Beakman made an appeal for my pen to be returned and people are offering rewards.
I took part in a film begging for my pen to be returned and it is being shown all over Europe. Millions of people thousands of miles away are watching the film and we have even made everyone at Wembley watch the film although I am not sure how that will help as my pen was not lost anywhere near there.
Next week shops will be displaying pictures of my pen all over the UK and even the nice people at Vodkaphone and Q2 are going to send unsolicited text messages to thousands of people asking them to look for my pen.
I know lots of pens go missing each year but the whole country knows that my pen is special and that its the only pen that matters. I am told that pen tracking firms are being swamped with enquiries from people for tracking devices that fit on pens so I am pleased that I am always in the news. The press are so very good, every time anyone mentions my pen they are filming it or printing about it. They keep asking me to show the two pencil that were also on the table but I have them safe in my pocket.
I don't feel a bit guilty for leaving the pen and its not my fault one bit if there are pen snatchers about.
Overkill? How very dare you!

16 May, 2007

Save the Dolphins

I was in the town centre the other morning and went to buy some coffee beans. The shop that sells coffee beans, as apposed to the coffee shop (see earlier posting) is never that busy and as I went in I was the only customer. The woman assistant came over as I looked at the coffee and I selected Monsoon Malabar 500g just the beans.
These she poured onto the scales, which I am sure automatically go to 250 or 500g because they seem to be able to pour any amount in and bingo, it hits exactly the amount you asked for. The beans were then poured into a bag and sealed with tape. At the till I gave over my loyalty card and the required amount of money as she reached for a carrier bag.
"Don't worry about a bag I have one already Ill use, so long as you don't mind not getting the advertising". "Oh", blank look, "OK then". She handed me over the coffee and I put it in my carrier bag.
"We are all being told not to waste carrier bags, but I don't expect I'll save the planet" I Said.
"They are giving out paper bags in one shop" she replied "and in the co-op they are using bio-degradable ones"
"Really, I wonder how long they take to degrade?" I asked "Five years" She replied. She is obviously well into this I realised and wondered why she had tried to give me the unnecessary carrier in the first place.
"I hear that there is also a problem with sea creatures and dolphins eating carrier bags because they think they are jellyfish" I added.
"Yes, although I think it would be easily solved, just add, under the bit that says plastic bags are dangerous don't let children play with them, large easily readable letters, I AM NOT A JELLYFISH"
She didn't reply. The shop seemed really quiet. I left quickly.

10 May, 2007

Very Important News

Sorry for the silence on the blog but I can at last tell you when I shall be telling you when I will be posting the next blog informing you when I shall be posting next. I know that everyone is waiting for this information.
As you all know I will be posting another blog entry soon and it is important for you to trust me on that and to trust that when the time is right I will tell you when I will post it.
So for the moment I hope that you will see it is best that you let me get on with the business of working out what to post here and not to keep wondering when I will post it.
When the time is right and posting an entry will not cause you to lose sight of the importance of my blog I will post and you can trust me on that.
So for the moment don't ask me any questions regarding my next post but wait for me to excite you with the information when I feel it is right to post.
Regards all
Tony B --- I mean Chris