Buying a House

We are trying to move home. Its the fist time I have moved in 14years and I had forgotten how bureaucratic and stupid house buying in this country is.
There are the obvious gripes, like why the hell should I pay the government a percentage of the house price in the way of stamp duty, but then these is the other amazing thing called a solicitor.
These people think its the 1800s, that the only form of communication is by stage coach and that they are doing you a favour by accepting your work.

At last there is good news. In order to standardise the way everything is purchased all shopping will be conducted along the same lines as a house purchase.

I have managed to obtain a copy of the new rules for supermarkets:-

1) Upon entering the store please select a trolley, the use of the trolley will attract a £25 non refundable charge. No shopping may be conducted without a trolley.

2) Before selecting any items it is necessary to have a trolley safety certificate. This certificate costs £10. No trolley may be used without the safety check certificate and a new certificate must be issued to each customer.

3) In order to use the trolley in the store you must have the trolley searched to ensure nothing has been left in the trolley. Even if this search has been conducted as you selected the trolley another must be done before you select the first item. This search will cost £15.

3) You can now select the items you want. The store is sorry but we can not tell you the price of items until you reach the checkout as the prices may change as you do your shopping.

4) At the end of your shopping please present a photo id before offering payment. This is a government requirement to prevent something but they have not decided what yet. We will need to phone to check the details you provide are correct. This call will cost £20

5) You may now offer payment. However you wish to pay we will need to send a telex confirming the payment to your bank. This telex will cost you £35.

6) After completing your shopping and making your payment please leave your trolley and goods in the store where they can be collected 4 weeks later. There will be a charge of £220 to register the goods in your name.