Life, The Universe and Small Things all covered in one friendly blog.
Remember DON'T PANIC! .

31 August, 2007

From todays News

There is an interesting article in the news today about the McCanns and their missing daughter. They are to sue a newspaper that published an article saying that they had killed her, possibly in an accident. The McCanns claim that the article is a deformation of character.
Now I may be wrong, but surely to sue someone you have to prove that what they say is a lie or wrong in some way.
No one seems to know where their daughter has gone so how can the McCanns prove that they are not involved in her disappearance and therefore the paper is wrong.
Maybe they are involved, maybe they are not.

24 August, 2007

PC Niddy and the stolen car- A children's Story

There is a story behind this story, but I am not allowed to tell you it other than to say perhaps that it involves a senior police officer who, for some reason heaven only knows, has decided to spend tax payers money and commission a children's story about the police. This story is my offering to her, but I am not hopeful of getting the work.
Remember its a children's story:-
Niddy and the Stolen Car
The rain was drizzling in Chelmsford as PC Niddy walked back to the police station. He was not in a good mood, he was really unhappy. He was walking back but it was not his turn to be on foot patrol. The kids from the North estate had taken his police car again and he knew the Inspector would not be happy. This was the third time this week and he knew he had locked it; he even had the keys to prove it.

As he wandered he suddenly jumped as a car horn blasted as it drove past.
“Hey Niddy we got your mota, init”. One of the boys in the car shouted as they splashed him driving through a puddle.

Poor Niddy, he was now soaking wet and covered in the dirty water from the puddle as he saw his police car drive off down the road with the one blue light that still worked flashing.

Ill get those boys, he though, and when I do they will go to prison for minutes for taking my cars.

Niddy walked into the police station. “Oh no, you haven’t lost another one” the sergeant said and he saw Niddy.
“Yes I have, it’s the boys from the North estate again, they drove past and splashed me too”

“Well don’t worry too much Niddy, once we catch them we will give them a jolly good telling off this time and I will make sure they only get to watch 5 of the sports channels in the cells ” said sergeant Doddles. Niddy felt a bit better, that will really teach them.

Niddy filled in his forms about the lost police car and then went to change his wet cloths before he went to find the Inspector to ask for another car. As he walked through the police station everyone laughed “Niddy lost his police car, Niddy lost his police car” they chanted.

Niddy was very unhappy.

“You have done what” the Inspector yelled, “how can one policeman, I mean police officer lose 3 cars in a week?” he continued bellowing at Niddy
“It’s the boys from North estate” said Niddy rather sheepishly.
“Well jolly well go out and arrest them then!” replied the Inspector.

Niddy got into another police car, this was a Smart car and Niddy hated it, he knew everyone would laugh as he drove past them in it. It was covered in signs too saying how nice the police were and how they worked with the community. Niddy hated the signs.

Niddy stopped by one of the girls off the North estate, who was smoking outside the supermarket, and got out the car.
“hello “ he said in a friendly tone.
“I ain’t done nuffin” said the girl and she threw the butt of cigarette onto the pavement
“I am looking for the boys who took my car” said Niddy.
“Well I ain’t seen em, like and if I ad I wouldn’t tell you nuffin”.
Niddy got back into his car.

Further down the road Niddy saw Chavney and stopped to talk to her, he felt sure she would know who took his police car and he thought it might be her brother Scally.
“Hello Chavney, “
“Oh leave if out, What now” she replied
“Have you seen Scally today?”
“Like I’m gona tell you, anyway he got like 4 ASBOs anyhow so he don’t need to go nicking your mota, like and so like leave me alone I’m trying to get some booze”.
Niddy was cross, he didn’t like it when Chavney spoke to him like that and the fact that she mentioned his police car he knew she must know something about it.
“Look Chavney I don’t want to have to get cross with you, if you know where my police car is then you should tell me” said Niddy, remembering his conflict resolution model and that he could not hit Chavney around the ears any more.
Chavney looked at Niddy and then walked off.

It was raining again and Niddy was getting wet so he got back into his Smart car. His coat was in the police car that was stolen and the uniform store would only give him another if it was Wednesday and today was Thursday so Niddy was feeling unhappy again.

“PC NIDDY call control” his radio burst into life
“Yes this is PC Niddy go ahead”
“PC NIDDY there is someone says he has seen your police car parked on the playing field with four boys in it, can you go and look “
“OK on my way”

He drove as fast as he could to the playing field, he got up to 38 miles per hour on the main road, the tyres on the Smart car almost squealed as he went around one bend and people looked. He wished he had blue lights to flash but he kept beeping the horn instead.

As he got to the playing field PC Niddy was cross. His police car was there but it was burning. Flames were coming out the open doors and the open boot. My coat was in there, he thought as he drove towards the burning car.

“PC Niddy to control – over”
“Yes PC Niddy”
“I have found my police car, but can you get the fire brigade the boys have set it on fire”
“Ok PC Niddy”
He stood near to the burning car, at least it was warm.

Four boys walked towards him.
“Oi Niddy, like the mota, it’s well hot” one shouted. The boys laughed.
But PC Niddy was cross.
“I know you did this Scally, and you won’t get away with it this time”

“Yeah right , like you got evidence, oh looks its burning up said Scally as he threw his empty beer can into the burning car.
“That’s littering too” Said Niddy
“Whatever “Scally replied as he walked off.

Back at the fire station the firemen were almost rushing to get out of the station to attend the burning police car but Niddy didn’t wait for them to arrive, he had to get back to the police station, he had lots of forms to fill in after talking to so many people.

After he had finished writing his forms it was time for him to have his lunch.
He went to find somewhere to sit to eat but the only place he could find was in his car. He picked up his paper and began to read.

“Chief Constable announces zero crimes in Chelmsford” said the headline.

Niddy felt happy, knowing that everything was fine.

22 August, 2007

Give them my regards!

We had friends visiting the other day and my mum phoned while they were here. "oh give her my love" mum said when I told her who was visiting.

Funny isn't it the things we say to each other. Give her my love, tell him I send my regards, give them my best wishes when you see them. What does it all mean.

How do you give someone the love from someone else, love is an intangible emotion that you can feel for someone or something but you can't give it to someone on behalf of another.
What are regards, why send them. Is saying "SEND her my regards" the same as "GIVE her my regards", or when asked to send the regards do I have to actually post then even if I am seeing the person.

Assuming regards, best wishes, love or whatever can be given by a third party it seems lazy, rude even, to expect someone to give them on our behalf. Most people have a phone, cell phone, email or an address to which a letter can be sent, yet how often have you picked up the phone and the caller simply said "I just called to give you my regards, goodbye" or opened the letter to find "Regards" the only word inside.

So come on, don't ask me to give your regards, pick up the phone, pick up a pen or type an email and darn well give them yourself.

13 August, 2007

Marketing ploys

I was using the hose the other evening when I noticed the writing on it, it said that my hose was a "HOSELOCK PROFESSIONAL".
Now this struck me as interesting, someone somewhere when as what they do for a living says "I am a hose pipe user" do they.
Come on get serious what on earth is a Professional hose, and why would it be any better than say a general garden hose or maybe a weekend car washing hose.
I would hazard to guess that the professional hose differs from any other hose by about £1 a metre.
After carefully rolling up my hose onto the wall mounted winder, taking care to remember that I am not a professional so am really rather lucky to be using such a fantastic hose, I was also interested to see that the scrubbing brush was no ordinary one but a "deluxe scrubbing brush 99p". Now this is amazing not only do I have a professional hose but a deluxe scrubbing brush too. Although to me deluxe should mean something nice, cosy, well made and my scrubbing brush is just plastic flimsy and rubbish.
Could it be that we are being dooped with words into thinking things are more than they actually are. Or am I just lucky to have the best of everything, even my scrubbing brush