Life, The Universe and Small Things all covered in one friendly blog.
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30 August, 2011

Japanese Leper in Oil

Spell checkers are great aren't they and the ones that predict what you want to type are even better.
I often complement my smart phone when it changes something for me especially when I am trying to type in an email address which is letters and numbers.

The reason I mention this is because yesterday I was searching the www for Japanese Pepermint Oil, if you don't have a bottle of it then why not, its amazing, well what I didn't notice was that the I-pad had helped me out and assumed I really meant "Japanese Leper in Oil".

The best thing is that Google found over 3million possible results. Fantastic!

Before anyone calls a human rights group I didn't order any lepers because to tell the truth they don't sound that tasty.

Control your Bloody Kids!

As I get older I get less tolerant and some things really, really, yes really, wind me up.

Misbehaved children are one of my big hates. Since I was forced to listen to one screaming for 23hours on a flight to Australia my tolerance for this noise is zero.

At the weekend we were sitting in a restaurant in an old barn when in came a family with a small child on a trike. They took the table beside ours, don't they bloody always, and the kid started ring....ring....ring.....ring on the bell on his trike.
Expecting the mother to say "don't do that" instead we get mother saying "ring, ring" encouraging the brat.
There are 30 people eating and we all have to listen to the bell ringing.
What is it about some parents, they are so selfish that no one matters other than their kid, everyone is expected to think their child is so fantastic it can do what the hell it likes. News flash - we don't !

There was an article some time ago where two people were having dinner at 10.30pm, it was being ruined by the constant crying of a baby. Eventually they asked the waiter to have a word with the parents and for his trouble the man got a wine bottle broken over his head and ended up in hospital.

We were in a posh restaurant once and these parents were letting their child scream so much that I called the waitress over and asked to delay our meal until they had left. Its just not acceptable, why are parents allowed to inflict their children on the rest of us.
If I were to stand by their table shouting and screaming or ringing a bike bell I think that after about 20 seconds they would tell me to shut up. Yet so many parents don't give a hoot what disturbance their kids cause or where and woe-betide anyone who dares to complain.

Take note selfish parents, I don't have kids and I certainly don't want to listen to yours.

28 August, 2011

Oi Fatty, Get off the plane!

Did you hear the news saying that by 20something more people in the UK will be obese than you could possibly believe. I wonder how much that research cost when all they had to do was follow me around Sainsburys one week and observe the lard-arses wobbling around the store.

There was also a fantastic exchange on BBC radio between a fatty and someone who is tired of having his personal space taken by other peoples bodies. It is quite disgusting seeing these huge lumps wobbling along but when you take a seat and find they want your space too it really does go too far.

Public transport can be the worst places at the best of times but when you suddenly find a 20 stone fatty invading your space I think you should have some redress.

I am also a little worried about fatty on a plane, if one sits next to me and starts spilling into the seat I have paid for I will be holding up the plane big time while they find fatty or me a new seat. Its bad enough that fatty has been able to bring all the extra weight on-board for free in the first place so I am damned if I will give them part of my seat to carry it on.

The other thing that concerns me is if fatty is sitting by the over-wing emergency exits. Have you seen those things, they are tiny. If we need to use them and fatty is first in the queue we are all done for. I mean they don't let you carry a penknife to slice you way past the rolls of fat anymore, so how does anyone get out.

There has already been a plane crash because of fatties, yes really there has. It crashed on take off and killed all on board. So I think it is a reasonable question to ask why aren't people weighed before they are allowed on a plane, also maybe required to prove they fit into a seat without spilling into the next one.

The final point that worries me is, in the event of having to exit the aircraft using the inflatable slides , are they tested for fattties to jump onto. If not then shouldn't the drill be "women, children and normal sized people exit the aircraft then fatty your on your own".

If your offended in any way by this blog entry then probably your the kind of person who needs to lighten up a little. Probably in both senses of the word.

26 August, 2011

Sky Sports News - WHY ?

I was in a bar while taking a few days away and in front of me on a huge HDTV was Sky Sport news.
It was obvious that one of the presenters was not there because of her outstanding knowledge of sports but rather because of her outstanding......... well anyway.
Catching the odd bit of this non-stop sport news I go to wonder why, why is it on at all. OK, maybe your a great fan of football and support for example Booting-it Athletic FC, surely once you have seen that Booting won 5 nil against Overpaid Rangers why would you leave the TV on. Or perhaps you are a fan of football overall, how dull would you be, you might want to watch all the reports on football, then, oh its moved onto golf I'll switch off.

I find it hard to understand how anyone can talk for 4 hours about a 90min game so perhaps I am missing something but do you see what I am getting at here, how and why is Sky Sports news a news channel at all.

What next, how about SKY TRAIN SPOTTER NEWS.
A snippet from a program scrolling at the bottom of a page might go like this ..........
BREAKING NEWS ........ Loco XS3652 has returned to service today after 4 hours in the workshop where Ted Wrench fitted a new spiggot to the spinny bracket........... BREAKING NEWS ..... Anne Orack has become the first female driver to transfer from Notwork Rail to the French FST line, she said that she was looking forward.......... BREAKING NEWS............ The 08.15 from Fenchurch St has been delayed due to driver shortages or maybe a strike more to come as soon as we get it...... BREAKING NEWS ..... Sky Train Spotter news wins best train news program of 2011 with Vanessa (big points) De-sal being named as best presenter.........

And so it would go on, and on, like Sky Sport News I am sure there would be someone on the planet who would find the channel interesting, but to me Sky Sport News is like a circular rail track, Pointless!