Life, The Universe and Small Things all covered in one friendly blog.
Remember DON'T PANIC! .

27 January, 2009

A virus that makes you fat.

There are some things that I hear and simply don't believe and this has to be one that really takes the biscuit, or maybe burger and extra fies.
A scientist has discovered that there is a virus that can make you fat, oh please. Even the breakfast presenter and the Old Woman on Steve Wright's show don't believe that one.

Lets play along with this discovery and take it to a natural conclusion.
A lot of Viruses are easy to catch and some of them are really nasty, like for example the flu. But whereas, so long as it doesn't kill you, the flu lasts for a week and then you recover and get on with life, the fat virus makes your fat cells multiply then you turn into one of the wobbling lycra clad mingers who frequently offend my eyes everywhere these days.

If anyone can catch this and we don't know which fatty has it we should be protecting ourselves.
I suggest carrying a solid walking stick at all times and when the next blob wobbles your way swing it wildly shouting get back unclean.

It is one thing to say that the virus can make you fat but it must be one hell of a virus because it even controls your speech by making you say "large burger and extra fries" when you meant to say "a green salad please"

11 January, 2009

Prince Harry and the Racist Comment.

I wonder about the people who write the news. Today there is a headline about Prince Harry, who, it seems, made a comment about someone some years ago. Now that rather dubious paper the News of The World has decided to start a great big fuss about it.

It seems that Harry called a friend a Paki, oh my, the world will no doubt end.
The guy is given a gun and goes off to foreign lands to shoot people, yet all the paper can find to complain about it that he called someone a Paki some years ago when he was in training school. And he didn't even do it as a term of insult.

I wonder at the various organisations who now want "access to the evidence" so they can decide what action should be taken, and why do we have the usual stupid comments from all the politicians.
I suggest that the action needed is nothing!
What needs to happen though is that the Equality and Human Rights Commission, or whatever group is starting the fuss, should have all funding stopped until it grows up.

Many times us British get called Brits, I am sure that when I was on holiday in Australia and the USA people have said "oh yours Brits are you", and unless I am very much mistaken Brit is the same number of letters abbreviation of British as paki is of Pakistani.
So every time some one calls me a Brit should I dash off and seek legal advice. No I think not, Ill just say yes that's me I'm a Brit.

Although if things go down hill much more in this country I might decide to deny it completely and pretend to be Canadian or something.

04 January, 2009

The Cold Remedy Scam.

As you may have read further down the page I have had the flu. Unlike much of the rest of the UK I don't reach for the Beechams or Lemsip, I know that they are only high strength paracetamol or aspirin so instead of paying the 40p a dose I prefer the generic drug at 8p for the same amount of active chemical.

It was only yesterday that I realised why those companies who manufacture the "cold remedies" are so keen to promote that their particular mix of aspirin, or whatever, allows you to get on with life. Once you know their reason it is so obvious and so worrying.

The cold treatment business is worth a fantastically huge amount of money yet despite what their advertising would have us believe none of the products are new. The latest max strength is only more of the same, and "nothing acts faster" could be re-written as "everything acts at this speed".

The scary thing is that the aim of letting us get on with life when we have a cold or flu is so we go to work or socialise with the one aim of spreading the bugs. This means more cold ridden people to rush out and buy the latest max strength and so profits increase at the misery of the masses.

Next time you head to the chemist bypass all the name brands and head for the 26p a packet, they won't make you better faster, but they will save you around 32pence a dose and make you better at exactly the same speed.

Another word on Telephones.

There is a story that dear old Mr Bell himself, the person who probably didn't invent the telephone, refused to have one because of the infernal din it made.
I can see exactly what he meant. Our telephone rings whenever we are eating dinner, in the shower or watching a particularly exciting part of a film.

How people know that exact moment to call as I lift the fork to eat or the second that water falls from the shower head is an infuriating mystery.

Despite the views of hundreds of call centre workers I have a telephone for my benefit, if that were not the case someone else would be paying the line rental, wouldn't they? There is definitely a market for a phone that when you shout "shut up" stops ringing and sends a "your call is not being taken at the moment, please hang up" message.

The telephone is the most intrusive gadget in our home, at least until the government decide to install CCTV in all our rooms as I expect will happen some day.
A ringing phone takes no account for what we are doing, what mood we are in or that we are already doing 4 other jobs, yet so often we are expected to answer the home phone as if we were sitting there just waiting for the call and its the most important thing to happen.

I own my phone so its my decision when I answer it, if I answer it and how I answer it, so if the next time you call me I simply shout "WHAT", its OK its not you, it the phone it always rings at the most inconvenient moment.

03 January, 2009

The 2009 Pantomime Review

It is panto time and as luck would have it I was again invited to review the show at Westminster theatre..

I didn’t get to see all the panto, for reasons that will become clear, but I will share with you my views on what I saw.

The show starts with a huge shock as the principal character, Tony, is seen being bundled into a sack and thrown off the stage to be replaced by his understudy a rather sour faced Scottish man, Gordon, with very little talent who storms onto the stage and within the fist few minutes kills off 4 of the main characters.

There seems to be some confusion on stage not only among the cast but also the sound and lighting crews. At one point the curtain started to come down to be met with Gordon screaming that anyone who brings the curtain down on him will be finished.
It was not long before most of the audience began to suspect that Gordon was re-writing the script as he went along, especially as he kept passing lines to Alistair, the principal girl.
After every interaction on stage Gordon simply replied “I am right, I am in charge I am running this panto".
The principal boy, played by a Jacqui Smith, an actor completely out of her depth and with no talent, flitted about the stage around Gordon with little or no idea what her role was. At one point she started a fight with a group of characters for no apparent reason then started reciting lines from last years panto.

The first musical number “when I rule the world” took everyone including the orchestra by surprise and was a resounding flop because the chorus were expecting “the wonderful thing about tiggers”.

With chaos on stage, the lights on automatic and the crew now in the bar Gordon continued to ignore the script and storm about the stage in some strange one man show. Nothing anyone said or did made any difference. Having tied back the curtains and chained himself to a stage prop he shouted and babbled endlessly.

It was clear that the evening had degenerated into a farce and many in the audience began to get up to leave which resulted in Gordon throwing out vouchers for 2 percent off popcorn in the lobby. When this failed to quell the exodus he began throwing out handfuls of cash from a box on stage.

It seemed like the evening would go on for ever and with people shouting “get off” and ”rubbish” Gordon had all doors locked and the emergency exit chained shut.
Many passed out with fear and some poor woman jumped from the gods, thankfully landing on a very fat man below and sustaining only minor injuries.

The two stooges David and Nick together with a number of the cast managed to storm the stage and remove Gordon but too late to save the evening.

The events of the evening were troubling, but not as disturbing as the comments being made in the lobby afterwards where the majority of people were saying that they defiantly wanted Gordon to be given the principal role in next years pantomime.
Very worrying.

02 January, 2009

Man Flu

Sniff, cough, sniff, pass the aspirin!
Like so many I have managed to pick up the blasted flu cold bug thing that's going around. I did ever so well, I spent the whole of Christmas surrounded by people coughing and didn't catch it, then flying back home the guy next to me on the plane was full of cold and hey presto 3 days later I feel like death.

Why do people with the bug insist on going out and spreading them to everyone. I was in Salisbury's the other day, before I caught this, and the place was full of people coughing and sneezing, not a glimpse of a hanky or tissue, spraying their darn bugs over everything and everyone. And yuck of yucks, the woman on the checkout had a cold too, she at least covered her mouth when she coughed, then continued to handle all my shopping. (Note to self, email customer services on that one)
There is no need to go shopping and spread germs, get a computer and shop online or get a friend to pick up the essentials for you, but do not go out and give god knows how many innocent people your bug.

Imagine this scene, I walk into a shop, at random I slap people on the face really hard, so hard that for a week their nose will be sore, I then hit them in the throat and on every joint in their body so its hurts for a week. That's OK isn't it, no problem with that is there.
What, you have a problem with it, you would call the police, have me arrested prosecuted for assault.

But hold on, I am just doing what all these twits who are coughing and sneezing in shops are doing, I am just making you feel really ill, and at least you will know who made you feel so bad. Most of the time we can only guess who passed us the darn flu.

Before I leave flu I have to say a few words to all the women who come out with "he's got man flu" and scoff. Even my mother said it to me the other day, and the woman along the road too about her husband when he was ill. Well listen here all women of the world, you can not possibly know how a man feels when he has the flu. I recall a woman I worked with saying "flu, huh, you don't know pain until you have been through childbirth" dotty woman. You can not possibly know pain unless you are a man and have had the flu.

Its that simple, so stop your scoffing and pass the blasted aspirin will you.