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30 January, 2014

If O2 ran a pub.

I am one of the unlucky people who has a phone contract with O2, it was a big mistake I know but when I started with them many years ago they weren't as bloody awful as they are today.
It's not just their systems that are useless , they also employ a mix of very good and totally useless staff. Unfortunately the local store assistant manager falls into the totally useless category and I have other people backing me up on that one.
The biggest trouble with O2 is that they just don't give a stuff about customers, just getting through to their customer services can take an hour, and when you do get through they will make excuses for everything and if you are too much trouble simpy hang up on you.
Another infuriating thing is that they increase your tarrif mid contract saying that they are doing so for the benefit of customers to upgrade this or that, yet where I live I can't even send an iMessage, open a web page or update twitter when I am away from my own wifi connection. (Not with O2)
All this got me thinking what if O2 took over other things, perhaps decided to run a pub. So using my experiences of the Colchester O2 shop, their customer services and other people I know experiences this is how I think it will be run.......
The pub will be easy to find but getting in it will be a big problem, doormen will hold you outside for no reason, take loads of personal details and eventually let you in to be met by another doorman who would take all your details again before moving you into the actual bar.
The barman (or woman) will tell you that they are the pub manager, and no matter which barman (or woman) served you they will tell you the same thing.
All the barmen and women will wear an O2 uniform, tell you its an O2 pub then tell you that the pub is owned by Pubifonica in Spain and if you have any complaints contact them. If you appear confused they will make sarcastic remarks to you.
Licensing laws will be anything the "manager" decided and no matter what UK laws said it will not apply to the O2 pub, who will operate under their own "policies" which are above the law.
You will order 4Gin and tonics and receive 2Gins and be asked to pay extra for the tonics, there will also be a charge for the glass, unless you had taken your own.
You will be required to use all the tonic at once, if there is too much for the glass you will have to throw the rest away because their policy says you can't carry over tonic to the next gin.
As you walk away from the bar a member of staff will call you back and inform you that the price has just increased and you needed to pay more for the drinks you already have. If you refused they will take the drinks back and claim you owe for the use of the glass.
The jukebox in the pub will play every other word of songs and occasionally stop completely, restart the last track, stop again then display "Song failed" and turn off. The volume will go from full to off every few minutes.
As you take the first sip of the Gin and realise it is vodka so return it to the bar you will be told that you only had 14seconds to complain about a drink, after that they are not interested, yes yes they know you would like to think that the law says they should sell you what you ask for but "policy" said they don't have to.
As you try to complain they will pick up a phone dial a number and hand it to you telling you if you don't like it talk to customer services.
Eventually you will realise that O2 isn't the pub for you but they have locked the doors and you can't leave unless you pay a penalty.
So if O2 ran a pub it would definitely be somewhere to avoid, thankfully they don't so you only need to avoid joining their phone service, or like me look forward to when you can leave..... Without paying a penalty.

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