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13 January, 2014

A visit to Microsoft (spoof)

Anyone with a Microsoft/Windows based computer will know the joy of their operating systems especially windows 8, the way that you turn your computer on and never wait more than an hour before you can actually usefully use it and the way everything is so simple even a rocket scientist can do it.
I decided to pay a visit to their UK offices and thank them in person for the amazing systems they produce for the home user.
I arrived at the carpark where the barrier was stuck in the down positing but a helpfull young man told me that he would park my car in a while, they were just carrying out a "CRITICAL UPDATE" to the barrier and it would be working again in about 5minutes, I left him my car keys he insisted I "DO NOT SWITCH OFF" my engine and leave the car with the boot open and a can of petrol by the fuel filler cap, he said it was company policy.
I walked to the main entrance and about to pull the door open spotted a sign saying that a "SECURITY UPDATE" was taking place to the doors and I would need to use the side entrance, I followed the signs and found a side door with a notice "TO OPEN PRESS THE ALTERNATIVE BUTTON WHILE HOLDING THE HANDLE AND SLIDING LOCK WITH RIGHT HAND AND PRESSING THE ENTER KEY WITH THE LEFT HAND" after 4 attempts the door opened slightly and two more attempts I was in.
Once in there were no directions to reception but after wandering I found my way.
I told the young girl on the desk who I was visiting and she asked for my 12 digit appointment code, unfortunately I had obviously written it down with a Capitol or zero where there should have been a lower case or letter O so I had to send an email to the girl on the desk for her to send me the code to my phone in order to ensure I was actually the person she was expecting.
The email didn't arrive, I had forgotten that I used my hotmail account not my outlook when booking the appointment, so we started again and my appointment was eventually confirmed.
I was told to wait in the canteen and directed to the lifts, go to the 10th floor she said, the lift will take you there you don't need to select a floor it stops on them all. I stood in the lift, the floor indicator showed 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-8-7-6-7-5-7-6-4-3-2-1. RESTARTING PLEASE WAIT- 5-6-7-8-7-6-5-6-7-8-9 and then 10. I have no idea how we went from floor 1 to 5 without moving.
Stepping out I was in the canteen which was closed while "UPDATES ARE IN PROGRESS THIS MIGHT TAKE SOME TIME"
I headed back to reception where the nice young girl input my appointment code again, yikes I gave her the wrong one first time so we had to do the email thing again, although I did remember outlook not hotmail this time.
She told me to go to the third floor where I would be met by the head of customer relations, I opted for the stairs which seemed to all be slightly different heights and angles, a sign informed me "UPDATES ARE IN PROGRESS BUT YOU CAN CONTINUE WALKING WHILE THESE TAKE PLACE" I did but the walk was very slow and difficult.
The third floor had six doors and a notice "PLEASE SELECT YOUR DEFAULT DOOR, THIS IS AN IMPORTANT CHOICE" but gave no assistance on which door would be best for the head of customer relations. As it happened the first two doors stuck, the third opened but wouldn't close properly.
I headed for a desk with the sign "head of customer relations " hanging over it only to find another sign saying he had been " MOVED TO QUARANTINE" which I later found out meant he was off with a flu virus.
I walked back to the 6 doors only to find that five were no longer working but luckily the stuck open one had just enough room to squeeze through but did make an interesting click sound behind me followed by a speaker "THERE SEEMS TO BE AN ERROR PLEASE WAIT WHILE WE CHECK FOR A FIX" then it said "NO FIX AVAILABLE" all very odd.
The stairs down looked different, then I realised that for no reason that I could fathom the lights were changing random colours and would suddenly go out then all come back on white again.
Again at reception the girl asked me for my appointment number but I told her that I would leave it for today and headed for the exit, only to realise that the security update meant I hit the glass as I pushed the handle so checking no one had seen I took the side door, there was a notice "HANDLE MISSING" To open from the inside "SLIDE POINTER TO TOP RIGHT HAND CORNER THEN DROP DOWN TO BOTTOM CORNER AND SELECT OPEN" before the top arrow had slipped out.
The young man by the car park barrier was standing by my car with the barrier half up, he refused to let me take the car until he had emailed me to confirm my identity.
He should be out of hospital Friday.

1 comment:

  1. Welcome back mate. I've really missed your unique outlook. I gave up on Windows last October and bought a (hideously expensive) MacBook, which has almost none of the annoyances of Microsoft technology.