Jade Goody is not news!

Here I go about to upset someone, still that's life or rather in this case its death. I have said before this is my blog so Ill write what I wish.

For some reason the Prime Minister's publicity office has seen fit for him to "lead tributes" to the dead Jade Goodey.
Why Gordon should think it necessary to speak about her above the 1200+ other people who died in the UK today I am unsure. Could it be an idea that if he comments on everything then people will begin to say "wow that Gordon Brown bloke knows whats going on in the country". Well fat chance of that Gordon, we can see through that plan and your still an out of touch bumbling "one eyed Scottish idiot".
For the Prime Minister to be getting involved in this kind of soap opera nonsense, when he has crashed the economy of the country putting thousands out of work, is beyond belief.

I digress. The point is it is only a tragedy for the friend and family of Jade Goodey, most of us don't give a fig and still see her as the overweight less than average intelligence no-body who got famous because too many people think the Sun is a newspaper.

I would not wish cancer on anyone, but she was not the only one to die of it today, she is just the only one who had a publicist and the only one who, for some reason I can not begin to understand, was followed in every step of death by the news media.

I never knew her and never wanted to. Other than to her family she was no one special.
She was not brave or courageous she was just doing what anyone who has a life threatening condition does, try to live, and she was allowed to do that by making millions of pounds and depressing and upsetting millions of innocent people who didn't know her either but were made to suffer her every problem.

For people now thinking I am out of line and "don't I know it is wrong to speak ill of the dead", no it isn't. If that's your attitude then I expect to hear you say Adolf Hitler was a really nice bloke who did a lot for the barbed wire industry.

Another one bites the dust, although I expect there is still plenty of money to be made by Max and others, oh Goodey!

The Post Office Bank

I am wondering if I have been living in a parallel universe, where everything that is a new idea here has been tried already.

How can it be that a Post Office Bank is a fantastic new idea, the old post office Giro Bank book I have has entries of me paying in my hard earned £1 pocket money in the early 70's. Has the whole country gone gaga and decided to follow the government trend of announcing old things as new to look good.

An article about the "people's bank" (that is what it would be named) suggested that it would be good for small businesses and also "for the 3 million people in the UK who can not get credit".
No No No, hold on there! The Post Office Bank is to lend money to people who are a credit risk? Isn't this exactly why we are in this mess, because banks lent money to drongo twits who didn't pay the money back.

A better announcement would be that loan sharks are to be employed to run the countries banks.
It would stop any future banking crash if the low life, sorry I mean sub prime borrowers, knew the bank manager would be round to break their legs if they spent the repayment on vodka and fags, they would darn well keep up payment then.

A local post office bank would certainly be useful then, its hard to walk far in a leg cast.

Sainsburys Self Check-Out

I was in the local Sainsburys store, when heading for the check-outs I noticed how few staff they have these days, especially at 9.00 am when I am usually ready to head out of the store.

Instead of helpful people they have an array of self service tills.

The small self service tills have been about for a time and are good when you are buying a few items, but the new system is a re-vamped till that you operate yourself with the help of a very annoying recorded voice. Having seen the chaos that other shoppers were in trying to use the new systems, I headed as usual to a queue which happened to be beside the row of self service.

Because I was near several of these I could hear all of the systems helpful commands but as they all merged into one this is a brief idea of what I heard:-

"Unexpected item on belt - Authorisation required - Have you swiped your Nectar card - unexpected item on belt - have you swiped your card - please remove item from packing area - authorisation required - thank you for using sainsburys self check out - please insert your payment card or select cash - thank you for using your unexpected item on belt - please insert your belt into the authorisation card - have you swiped your belt on the self service unexpected item - please select payment belt and insert your assistance into the nectar thank your belt into the sainsburys" Arghhhhhhh.

How do the staff that attend these tills actually stay sane.

If the trend to remove staff from the store continues the logical step is to ask us to stock the shelves before we shop, or maybe we could drive the delivery lorry, stock the shelves select our items then check ourselves out.

Or maybe I should just grow my own produce. If nothing else that seems a quieter option.

Community Speed Watch

When I was a kid, if you went running to teacher saying that Jonny had written the rude word on the blackboard (we still had them) or that Sally was responsible for the snapped pencil in the box, it was called telling tales. No one liked you for it, and the friends of anyone you told on would get you at play time.

These days telling tales seems to be positively encouraged, but not by children, this time it is by adults.

The police in parts of the UK don't do policing any more and have been replaced by various groups to do it for them. The most obvious are PCSOs (totally useless) but another group of people are the drongoes who join Community Speed Watch.
They come to mind after a report on the local news saying that some are being verbally abused. You don't say, welcome to the real world guys.

Community speed watch, if you don't know, are set up by the police to stand at the side of the roads and wave speed detection devices at people. They pretend to be community minded but are actually just sad. If you drive past a community speed watch groups, at a speed above the limit, they will write down your number and tell the police. Oh I'm scared already, but not for the reason you may think.

Speeding drivers should be caught, but by the police not a group of sad people who need to get a life. Once they tell on you, you get a letter saying that you were seen speeding. That's it.

If you are caught speeding by a traffic cop you know that the person doing you is a good driver and will go before a magistrate, or judge, to tell them what you did wrong if needs be.
Get caught by community speed watch and you have no idea if they are one of the worlds worst drivers or even totally mental. Why does that matter, simple, hand held speed guns are corroboration of excess speed not proof. Hence they can't prosecute you because that would mean the mad gits from the speed watch going to court and proving to everyone that they don't really know what they are doing, in court or at the road side.

It's not often that I want to see people being abused but if they insist on making themselves available they are surely fair game.
Be careful what you say to them though, they will tell on you.

University Challenge Explains the Recession

I saw the last few minutes of the University Challenge final, I had not intended to watch it but it happened to be on before something I wanted to see.

I can not decide if this quiz is funny or sad, in the modern meaning of sad, but I do know that the whole thing was hilarious. How awful the guy on the end must have felt being left out of consultations and being patted on the back when he dared to answer a question, and with little miss know-it-all saying "well done" if one of her team knew an answer before her.

Never mind the quiz, what is far more interesting is the controversy that has surrounded the final, especially how it explains a lot of what has caused the crisis that we now see the world in.

One of the team members that declared "studying chemistry" is actually working for Price Waterhouse Coopers.
So, the lie telling chemist is working for an accountancy firm, that makes perfect sense.
Look at the top people in finance in this country, the chancellor, the bank bosses, the ex-chancellor, none of them have any qualifications in finance and it has not done them any harm has it.

OK they have collectively trashed the world financial systems but they are doing alright Jack.

A Very Expensive Plant Tray

I went into a DIY store the other morning, I was looking for a specific kind of plant tray for the new greenhouse, when I spotted a sign "End of range clearance ", it was not so much the sign as the items that were on the display that caught my attention.

Unless you have been looking for one then a shower curtain track may not sound all that exciting. Note that I say track not rail here because that is important. I needed a track because it allows the curtain to go all the way around the bath and have additional supports on the ceiling, a pole doesn't allow this.

The curtain tracks are end of range clearance for just under ten pounds, about one Euro for anyone reading from mainland Europe. I looked at the curtain tracks and although they seemed to be an excellent deal to tell the truth they also looked a bit flimsy and being the stores own brand I began to see why they were going for so little.

This is where I made a big mistake. Instead of remembering that I was there to buy a plant tray I headed for the bathroom section to see if they had other curtain tracks. They had one made by a well know manufacturer but it was £45. I had been wanting to replace the inadequate short rail for some time and not seen the tracks so decided to get one.

The shower track takes two shower curtains so I had to buy those and then I though, well if I am going to put the curtain around the bath then it will allow us to have a more powerful shower in the bathroom. We have a good pumped shower in the en-suite so I looked and yes the store sold them. Now I had the curtain track, two shower curtains and the shower pump, I needed a few electrical bits and bobs to wire it all up (pull cord, RCD, junction box etc) then off to the till.

Over £200 of bits there was not the end of it, after removing the old shower rail there were the holes in the ceiling to fill so the ceiling needed painting, (£18) now the walls looked dirty so they needed painting too, the old extractor fan that didn't work properly might as well be replaced (£15).

So my trip to the DIY store had cost me rather more than anticipated, oh and I still need to find the plant tray.

Jacqui Smith, Expenses Fiddle

You have to wonder what expenses require you to claim £500 a week for a second home especially when you say you live most of the time with your sister. Still who are we to question Gordon's Government, always right and always above the law.

It is interesting that Jacqui Smith "got advice on the matter" from someone, an M.P. also on the fiddle no doubt, isn't that a bit like asking Reggi Cray if its ok to nick sweets from Tesco.

I have been sent a transcript of a phone call between Jacqui Smith and Gordon Brown on the matter of this £100,000 of expenses:-

Smith. - Hello, Gordon its the Home Secretary.

Brown. - Hello.

Smith - I am being accused of fiddling my expenses and thought I should speak to you about it.

Brown - OK.

Alistair Darling - Who is it?

Brown. - (hand over phone) its some secretary, caught fidding with someone.

Smith - I heard that, its your Home Secretary, Jacqui, its not fiddling with someone, I'm fiddling my expenses, I mean accused of.

Brown - Oh Jacqui, right yes, sorry Darling and me are just playing the new Monopoly, have you played it yet, its rather good. I have just bought the Royal Bank of Scotland for £100 billion and built a hotel on its HQ.

Darling - An Hotel, its an Hotel not A, and its not monopoly Prime Minister, I told you before this is real money.

Brown - Well its still jolly good fun.

Smith - ach hum, excuse me Gordon shall I call back, you seem distracted and this is rather important.

Brown - No no, go on, so you want to resign then?

Smith - NO! I don't want to resign I want your advice.

Brown - Well don't worry about it, this is New Labour we don't have to stick to any rules.

Smith - OK, but the press have got hold of this and it could cause a bit of a stink.

Brown - (hand over the phone to Darling) Do you want to be Home Secretary?

Darling - No I don't! I am already Chancellor.

Brown - Oh yes, sorry I forget that isn't me too.

Smith - Ill call another time this isn't working out.

Brown - Ill get someone to call you about this, where will you be.

Smith - At home, I mean at my Sisters home which is my home really, where I live most of the time any way, it cost me well over that £500 a week to run my other house, I am never there but it still costs me money just to buy new things for it all the time.

Brown - Yes, yes goodbye (click) She is going to ruin this for everyone if we don't watch out, We must keep an eye on that woman.

The Plight of The Bumblebee

Life, the universe, and now for the small things .

There was an article in the paper a year ago about bees, it said that they are dying out. Its OK though the Minister responsible for that kind of thing said the experts are all wrong, "UK bees are just fine". Here we go again, if a Minister says its OK, we are in trouble.

At the weekend The Times magazine had much more on the plight of the bee and it makes disturbing reading:
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/environment/article5604401.ece

Forget global warming, forget the polar bear struggling to stand on the last ever Foxes Glacier mint and forget all the hot air about CO2, bees must be the number one concern for us all, and right now!

If you have not seen anything before on this you will be forgiven for wondering why it is important. Bees are essential for the pollination of plants, not only flowers but many things we depend upon for food as well as bushes that sustain the hedgerows. When bees go it is not just honey that we don't see any more but apples, soft fruits and many many food crops are no longer sustainable.

There are already places in the world where bees have been wiped out and whole orchards are now pollinated by hand, requiring hundreds of people climbing trees with feathers and pots of pollen. No, I am not joking.

Once bees go so does the sustainability of the world population. Unlike CO2 and global warming this isn't something that will happen in fifty or one hundred years, this is expect to happen in eight to ten years because bees are already dying out at an alarming rate.
In as little as ten years we hit the point of no return and begin the slide into starvation.

So why don't we hear this on the news all the time, why doesn't the government put billions of pounds into rescuing the Really bad Bee Situation (RBS). I assume that there is no money in it for them, they can't have a bee tax, or bee offsetting. Instead they are happy to sit back and watch the most dangerous extinction of mankind and send out a Minister to say everything is fine.

There is some hope, a ray of good news. We can all play a part and try to save the bees. By planting bee friendly flowers in gardens or even window boxes. It might sounds a long shot but if the other option is starvation.
We have already planned a new section of our garden with plants just for bees.

A useful website for more information on saving the bee is:
http://www.saveourbees.org.uk/

New Fords Help You Crash

I am going to sound a grump in this blog, but its my blog and Ill grump if I want to.

My brother-in-law has a new car. As people do when they have a new car he wants to show if off so he came to show it to me.
I can't get excited about new cars, I have driven so many different ones and now as long as there is a wheel at each corner, something to control it by and a reasonably comfortable seat, then, yes its a car I am pleased you have one.

His new Ford car struck me as possibly the most dangerous car I have seen.
It is equipped with a hands free telephone, climate control, trip computer, entertainment system, sat nav and somewhere I think was a button to make toast.

All these "clever" functions are controlled by way of a computer screen on the dash and a series of buttons on the steering wheel; well why not, steering is so old fashioned.

To make a "hands free" call you have to take your eyes off the road and look at the screen, you then have to move your hands to the buttons on the steering wheel, putting yourself into a position difficult to properly steer, and select a screen from a menu list. Scroll down the screen to telephone, select telephone select something else and eventually you can dial your hands free call.
All this is done with your eyes off the road obviously, the last thing you want to do is to ring the wrong person so better pay attention to that computer screen. It is the same for selecting something from the entertainment system or for getting the car to just the right temperature so that when you inevitably drive under the back of a lorry the emergency services are nice and warm as they remove your body.

There was a really good reason for the law that said a driver must not be able to see a TV screen in his vehicle as he is driving but because the law referred to "cathode ray tube" and now its all LCD, the manufacturers are adding screens all over the place.

Driving standards in the UK are getting worse and with the help of manufacturers like Ford and cars with computer screens you can be sure of one thing, undertakers and the air ambulance will not be out of work in this recession.

Duvet Dilemma

We have guests stopping over in a few weeks time and in this cold winter I am concerned that they are not cold in the night. I thought I should put the winter duvet on the guest bed. The trouble is that on our main bed we have a wool duvet which is an all year one so I am a little out of touch with all this TOG rating that goes with feather bedding.

I decided the only way to solve this was to ask our guests. I thought I would share the email with you:-

Hi .
I have a strange question to ask, possibly one to refer to your wife but here is the background to the question .

I woke up very early the other morning, feeling cold, and thought crikey if I am cold whatever will your wife be in this house, see at night we turn the heating off as it makes too much noise and keeps me awake, which is strange because I was now awake because it was off and I was cold.

Anyway, I thought I must go into the loft and get the winter duvet down to air for the guest room for when you are over, I like to plan ahead, infact I already have the potatoes peeled, the chicken in the marinade on the worktop and the wine open to breathe for when your over.

I digress.

Yesterday I got the duvet down and remembered it is one of those you have two bits and you add them together to make the winter weight, they are not as easy as it sounds there is only one correct way that they will fit and I think it was 23 ways that they don't.

I am getting near to the question here so stick with it :-)

I added the 9 tog to the already on 4.5 tog so there is now a 13.5 tog duvet on the guest bed. I put it into a duvet cover, eventually, and as I put it on the bed thought crikey this weighs a ton do people really manage to sleep under this much duvet.

So, here is the question, probably for your wife, what tog rating is your duvet? Is 13.5 too much would you prefer a 9 tog in an unheated bedroom or should I put the 9tog and 4.5 tog in separate covers so you can decide. There is also the option of a hot water bottle, or two if I buy another one.

There is another option of course, we could leave the heating on for one night, it will probably keep all of us awake, but at least we will be warm :-)

I am sat in the guest room surrounded by bedding awaiting your reply.

Hope your well.
Chris

Things Parents say

I was reading an article in the paper the other afternoon about a married woman of 40 who's parents are still trying to control her life.
I started thinking of some of the things that are said, when your growing up.

"Take your elbows off the table, its bad manners".
Why? No its not. What better place is there to put elbows, chairs are designed to be at the right height for the table so elbows rest comfortably there. "Bad manners" are made up by people who want to think they are something better than they actually are.

"Don't take the last one".
Referring to anything that had been put out for eating. What the jolly heck was that all about. Someone has to take the last one, why not me.

"Oh your too sensitive".
Explain that if you can. Is there a level of sensitive that is just right, is anyone ever told "your just not sensitive enough". Sensitive to what. Because one person is not annoyed or upset by something, does it logically follow that everyone should feel the same.

"Smile for heavens sake".
Look at people as you go about your day. How many of them are actually smiling. The people who walk down the street with a broad smile on their faces for no reason are usually the mad ones.

"If your don't stop crying Ill give you something to cry about" SLAP!
I heard this one in a shop the other day, with the child already screaming the place down the slap did as you would expect, ramped up the scream by another 5 decibels.

I could go on with these but if I don't go and make the Sunday dinner I will get sent to my room until I learn how to behave.
Fat change of that happening at my age though.

Points from the news.

The government is breathing a sigh or relief because February has hit the country with snow, snow and more snow. At last there is something taking the headlines that Gordon isn't responsible for.

Hold that thought. Was there ever a time before when after just 3 days of bad weather the local council said "sorry we are out of road grit and the Highways Agency won't give us any".

The Labour Government set up the Highways Agency in 2000, another level of bureaucracy, replacing motorway police with Highway Agency Traffic plonkers and stores of road salt with billion pound computers to predict the next traffic jam.

Gordon Brown has been part of the country trashing government since before 2000 so by association, or maybe just because I hate him more than words can say, he must be indirectly responsible for the balls up on our ice covered roads.

Moving quickly on, or slowly if your path is still iced over, I have to go crazy about the Royal Bank of Scotland. Here is a bank that was run so badly that the tax payers have given it billions of pounds so it doesn't go bust. And now they are arguing that they have to pay their incompetent oafs of managers big bonuses because "they expect it".

They argue that "if we don't pay bonuses and high salaries we aren't able to attract the right staff". Let me get this right, the staff that crashed the bank are the ones you want to retain are they. For ........ sake!

Ayone with a RBS account should get their money out now, put it under a pillow, in a box in the garden or anywhere, just don't leave it with RBS who think it is only there to pay their salaries.

And breathe, think calm thoughts, relax. It's OK nurse Ill be fine just keep me away from the news papers for a while.

One Eyed Scottish Idiot

I was in the gym when I heard Jeremy Clarkson on the news and I chuckled. Never one to keep his thoughts to himself he referred to Gordon Brown as "a ones eyed Scottish idiot".

People, with nothing better to do, immediately took offence at this and the news rolled out a spokesman for the R.N.I.B. The two eyed idiot (strange for someone representing blind people) went to great length to say how awful the comment was and how blind people do amazing things and blind people are in all walks of life.

After losing the plot he said he would "like to talk to Clarkson when he returned to the country" so that they could "help Mr Clarkson understand the positive contribution people with sight loss make to society," they hoped he would agree to a meeting.
Id love to be a fly on the wall if that unlikely event took place.

Yes alright RNIB, some blind people are good people, just not the one eyed Scottish idiot we have wrecking the country. Getting David Blunket to speak on behalf of Gordon and Blind people was hardly a good move either.

Jeremy has not said anything wrong, the bloke has one eye, he is Scottish and he is an idiot, so why the outcry for him to apologise. Who knows.

I take offence on behalf of all the idiots of the country, how dare Clarkson call Brown and idiot, doesn't he know that idiots are in all walks of life and that people in top positions in the country are idiots. There are bankers who are idiots, politicians, chief police officers and even members of the house of Lords who are all idiots.

Without the contribution idiots make this country would not be what it is today.

A virus that makes you fat.

There are some things that I hear and simply don't believe and this has to be one that really takes the biscuit, or maybe burger and extra fies.
A scientist has discovered that there is a virus that can make you fat, oh please. Even the breakfast presenter and the Old Woman on Steve Wright's show don't believe that one.

Lets play along with this discovery and take it to a natural conclusion.
A lot of Viruses are easy to catch and some of them are really nasty, like for example the flu. But whereas, so long as it doesn't kill you, the flu lasts for a week and then you recover and get on with life, the fat virus makes your fat cells multiply then you turn into one of the wobbling lycra clad mingers who frequently offend my eyes everywhere these days.

If anyone can catch this and we don't know which fatty has it we should be protecting ourselves.
I suggest carrying a solid walking stick at all times and when the next blob wobbles your way swing it wildly shouting get back unclean.

It is one thing to say that the virus can make you fat but it must be one hell of a virus because it even controls your speech by making you say "large burger and extra fries" when you meant to say "a green salad please"

Prince Harry and the Racist Comment.

I wonder about the people who write the news. Today there is a headline about Prince Harry, who, it seems, made a comment about someone some years ago. Now that rather dubious paper the News of The World has decided to start a great big fuss about it.

It seems that Harry called a friend a Paki, oh my, the world will no doubt end.

The guy is given a gun and goes off to foreign lands to shoot people, yet all the paper can find to complain about it that he called someone a Paki some years ago when he was in training school. And he didn't even do it as a term of insult.

I wonder at the various organisations who now want "access to the evidence" so they can decide what action should be taken, and why do we have the usual stupid comments from all the politicians.
I suggest that the action needed is nothing!
What needs to happen though is that the Equality and Human Rights Commission, or whatever group is starting the fuss, should have all funding stopped until it grows up.

Many times us British get called Brits, I am sure that when I was on holiday in Australia and the USA people have said "oh yours Brits are you", and unless I am very much mistaken Brit is the same number of letters abbreviation of British as paki is of Pakistani.
So every time some one calls me a Brit should I dash off and seek legal advice. No I think not, Ill just say yes that's me I'm a Brit.

Although if things go down hill much more in this country I might decide to deny it completely and pretend to be Canadian or something.

The Cold Remedy Scam.

As you may have read further down the page I have had the flu. Unlike much of the rest of the UK I don't reach for the Beechams or Lemsip, I know that they are only high strength paracetamol or aspirin so instead of paying the 40p a dose I prefer the generic drug at 8p for the same amount of active chemical.

It was only yesterday that I realised why those companies who manufacture the "cold remedies" are so keen to promote that their particular mix of aspirin, or whatever, allows you to get on with life. Once you know their reason it is so obvious and so worrying.

The cold treatment business is worth a fantastically huge amount of money yet despite what their advertising would have us believe none of the products are new. The latest max strength is only more of the same, and "nothing acts faster" could be re-written as "everything acts at this speed".

The scary thing is that the aim of letting us get on with life when we have a cold or flu is so we go to work or socialise with the one aim of spreading the bugs. This means more cold ridden people to rush out and buy the latest max strength and so profits increase at the misery of the masses.

Next time you head to the chemist bypass all the name brands and head for the 26p a packet, they won't make you better faster, but they will save you around 32pence a dose and make you better at exactly the same speed.

Another word on Telephones.

There is a story that dear old Mr Bell himself, the person who probably didn't invent the telephone, refused to have one because of the infernal din it made.

I can see exactly what he meant. Our telephone rings whenever we are eating dinner, in the shower or watching a particularly exciting part of a film.

How people know that exact moment to call as I lift the fork to eat or the second that water falls from the shower head is an infuriating mystery.

Despite the views of hundreds of call centre workers I have a telephone for my benefit, if that were not the case someone else would be paying the line rental, wouldn't they? There is definitely a market for a phone that when you shout "shut up" stops ringing and sends a "your call is not being taken at the moment, please hang up" message.

The telephone is the most intrusive gadget in our home, at least until the government decide to install CCTV in all our rooms as I expect will happen some day.

A ringing phone takes no account for what we are doing, what mood we are in or that we are already doing 4 other jobs, yet so often we are expected to answer the home phone as if we were sitting there just waiting for the call and its the most important thing to happen.

I own my phone so its my decision when I answer it, if I answer it and how I answer it, so if the next time you call me I simply shout "WHAT", its OK its not you, it the phone it always rings at the most inconvenient moment.

The 2009 Pantomime Review

It is panto time and as luck would have it I was again invited to review the show at Westminster theatre..

I didn’t get to see all the panto, for reasons that will become clear, but I will share with you my views on what I saw.

The show starts with a huge shock as the principal character, Tony, is seen being bundled into a sack and thrown off the stage to be replaced by his understudy a rather sour faced Scottish man, Gordon, with very little talent who storms onto the stage and within the fist few minutes kills off 4 of the main characters.

There seems to be some confusion on stage not only among the cast but also the sound and lighting crews. At one point the curtain started to come down to be met with Gordon screaming that anyone who brings the curtain down on him will be finished.

It was not long before most of the audience began to suspect that Gordon was re-writing the script as he went along, especially as he kept passing lines to Alistair, the principal girl.
After every interaction on stage Gordon simply replied “I am right, I am in charge I am running this panto".
The principal boy, played by a Jacqui Smith, an actor completely out of her depth and with no talent, flitted about the stage around Gordon with little or no idea what her role was. At one point she started a fight with a group of characters for no apparent reason then started reciting lines from last years panto.

The first musical number “when I rule the world” took everyone including the orchestra by surprise and was a resounding flop because the chorus were expecting “the wonderful thing about tiggers”.

With chaos on stage, the lights on automatic and the crew now in the bar Gordon continued to ignore the script and storm about the stage in some strange one man show. Nothing anyone said or did made any difference. Having tied back the curtains and chained himself to a stage prop he shouted and babbled endlessly.

It was clear that the evening had degenerated into a farce and many in the audience began to get up to leave which resulted in Gordon throwing out vouchers for 2 percent off popcorn in the lobby. When this failed to quell the exodus he began throwing out handfuls of cash from a box on stage.

It seemed like the evening would go on for ever and with people shouting “get off” and ”rubbish” Gordon had all doors locked and the emergency exit chained shut.
Many passed out with fear and some poor woman jumped from the gods, thankfully landing on a very fat man below and sustaining only minor injuries.

The two stooges David and Nick together with a number of the cast managed to storm the stage and remove Gordon but too late to save the evening.

The events of the evening were troubling, but not as disturbing as the comments being made in the lobby afterwards where the majority of people were saying that they defiantly wanted Gordon to be given the principal role in next years pantomime.

Very worrying.

Man Flu

Sniff, cough, sniff, pass the aspirin!
Like so many I have managed to pick up the blasted flu cold bug thing that's going around. I did ever so well, I spent the whole of Christmas surrounded by people coughing and didn't catch it, then flying back home the guy next to me on the plane was full of cold and hey presto 3 days later I feel like death.

Why do people with the bug insist on going out and spreading them to everyone. I was in Salisbury's the other day, before I caught this, and the place was full of people coughing and sneezing, not a glimpse of a hanky or tissue, spraying their darn bugs over everything and everyone. And yuck of yucks, the woman on the checkout had a cold too, she at least covered her mouth when she coughed, then continued to handle all my shopping. (Note to self, email customer services on that one)

There is no need to go shopping and spread germs, get a computer and shop online or get a friend to pick up the essentials for you, but do not go out and give god knows how many innocent people your bug.

Imagine this scene, I walk into a shop, at random I slap people on the face really hard, so hard that for a week their nose will be sore, I then hit them in the throat and on every joint in their body so its hurts for a week. That's OK isn't it, no problem with that is there.
What, you have a problem with it, you would call the police, have me arrested prosecuted for assault.

But hold on, I am just doing what all these twits who are coughing and sneezing in shops are doing, I am just making you feel really ill, and at least you will know who made you feel so bad. Most of the time we can only guess who passed us the darn flu.

Before I leave flu I have to say a few words to all the women who come out with "he's got man flu" and scoff. Even my mother said it to me the other day, and the woman along the road too about her husband when he was ill. Well listen here all women of the world, you can not possibly know how a man feels when he has the flu. I recall a woman I worked with saying "flu, huh, you don't know pain until you have been through childbirth" dotty woman. You can not possibly know pain unless you are a man and have had the flu.

Its that simple, so stop your scoffing and pass the blasted aspirin will you.

New Years Honours

It's that time of year again when well deserving people are recognised and given something for their efforts.
People like Lewis Hamilton, a person who has done so much for his own bank balance that he is too rich to stay in Britain. Or Chris Hoy, a man who rode a bike, and for doing sod all but riding a bike for years he becomes a Knight. Anyone who did nothing but ride a bike all day would become good at it too. Oh, and aren't Knights supposed to ride a trusty steeds not a bike.

Everyone, in the real world anyway, knows that the Queens Honours are senseless, and yet for some reason they still exist in this the 21st Century. It is impossible to see why someone gets an honour for making themselves rich. Previous honours have seen top bankers and people from finance being knighted, and yet this year has shown what a thieving incompetent lot they really are.

Some have been saying that it is because of Chris Hoy that so many people took up cycling this year, isn't it more likely because petrol hit £1.28 a litre.

While doctors, nurses, truck drivers, power station workers, water purification plant staff, refuse collectors and the millions more service industry staff continue to ensure this country functions it is hard to see how riding a bike or becoming a millionaire is worthy of an honour. Take away the guy who makes rubber and see how fast Hamilton or Hoy travel, but where are they in the honours.

The whole honours process is a farce, so maybe we should set up the people's honours. A list where people who make a difference are recognised, where Fred the dustman and Mrs Miggins the pie maker are realised for their worth in society, where the lad who works on the checkout is knighted rather than the fat cat owning the firm.

The world changed in 2008 when we saw that the rich are sometimes rich because they are crooked and the powerful are usually the most corrupt of all. Maybe in 2009 the small people who do the work can be crowned the heroes. Maybe.

The Old School

There are untold properties in the UK with names of The Old Post Office, The Old Station House, The Old Rectory and then one that maybe even more prolific The Old School House.
I mention this as after driving past a school yesterday, the damp looking portacabins with flaking paint on hardly shutting windows with the lifting felt of flat roofs and I wondered why all the Old School Houses were sold off.

Contrasting a portacabin with these old school houses and I know which building I would rather be educated in.


With the government selling off everything, if they ever sell off 10 Downing Street I wonder what it would be called.
The Old Fools House maybe.

As Safe as a Bank.

There was a time when I would be impressed if someone said that they were in banking and finance . Crikey I would think, here is a person who has done well in life and knows a thing or two about money.

I have friends in banking and I thought they were clever, probably had a few A'levels or maybe even a degree. Friends who's advice was trusted, views respected and hard work admired.

Today things are different, if I happen to meet these friends I will put my wallet into a zipped pocket and definitely won't give them the money to get a round while I pop to the smallest room.

Is it just me or is it worrying that Bank Manager is an occupation that allows the verification of a passport application.

It is bad enough that banks lent billions to people who can't pay it back, but we now hear that many banks, trusted with looking after our money, had invested it in a pyramid selling scam.

Not just a few pounds sent to a scam circulated on the Internet but billions of pounds sent to nonexistent investments. How can this possibly be, banking is not rocket science, all you to do is look after money. And to do that you simply have to check that where you put it is safe.

Readers of my blog will remember earlier this year that I offered to put your money into a plastic box and keep it safe in my garden. I have had very few takers but by crikey I bet Santander wish they had called me. Their 2 billion maybe a little damp but at least it would still there.

Maybe it is time to release armed robbers from prison and lock up the bankers, at least with a robbery you have a chance of holding onto some of your money.

BREAKING NEWS........BREAKING NEWS........

I was at the gym the other day. One thing I can not avoid there, other than trying to keep pace with people about 20 years younger than me and regretting it the next day, is seeing the SKY news. It is always on one of the large screens Although I never hear it, because I am plugged into my MP3 player, I see the scrolling texts.

There is always a Breaking News story and on this occasion it was the Met Police shooting of the commuter, you know the one who's name seems to get longer each time it is reported.
SKY kept cutting to a police officer reading something then off to diagrams of a tube train then back the studio to see a big red "Breaking News" flash up followed by a police officer reading a statement and so on.

As often seems to be the case with SKY Breaking News is neither breaking or news, but more a recycled version of what you heard a week ago with a big red headline to make is seem more in interesting. I doubt there are many people in the country who don't know about the shooting they were talking about so the news could simply have said that the verdict was whatever it was and then moved onto something actually worth reporting. Yet they managed to fill at least an hour with information that is of no more use to most people than the woffling in these blogs.

Why does the news sensationalise the smallest thing into a feature length epic and assume that we have forgotten what they told us a week ago.

I was at the gym the other day. One thing I can not avoid there, other than trying to keep pace with people about 20 years younger than me and regretting it the next day, is seeing the SKY news. It is always on one of the large screens Although I never hear it, because I am plugged into my MP3 player, I see the scrolling texts.................................................................

Your fired! Please stay on and wreck the company.

We live in a world where one person can cause catastrophic damage to a company from the comfort of their own desk. Millions have the power to crash a firm from there computer terminal. For exactly that reason when someone is fired or being made redundant they will be escorted from the office the same day and put on gardening leave.

If you let an employee stay on in a disgruntled state why wouldn't they decide to exact revenge. But hold on one moment, we have one such employee, his name is Gordon Brown and he is doing exactly what has to be prevented in any company, he is trashing the place before he leaves.

There isn't a hope in hell that the "unelected" PM will get in at the next election, or if he does it will be another Labour scam, so what has he got to lose.
He is demented if he believes that he is really doing his best for the country. No one in their right mind thinks that what he is doing is right but anyone who speaks out against him risks losing their job, being arrested or maybe found dead on the edge of a field.

Remember Gordon is not only the man who told us that boom and bust was over but also the one, who just a few weeks ago, told us that Britain was well placed to ride out any recession. Just before we started on this ride down the plug hole.

Now jobs are going, the pound is sinking and my beer in Austria in a few weeks time will cost me a fiver.

Even the Germans are telling him he is wrong, his response in true Brown style is that everyone is wrong but him.

There must be someone who can escort this man from office, or does he get to trash the whole place before he leaves?

Please Check-in on time!

It is the time of year when millions of people head to buy a turkey and I go to the airport. I would say HUMBUG but I said it the other day and was met with a blank face, I then said "you know as in Scrooge" and was met with "who?", "A Christmas Carol", "Nope not a clue what your on about".

I used to turn up at the airport, check in the bags and walked through to airside for a cup of coffee. Not any more. The last time we flew at Christmas we got to the airport 3 hours before take off and still had to sprint to the gate after final call.

We were in a queue from the terminal doors to security, frustrating because airlines know exactly how many people will be passing through the airport on any given day. The trouble is the people on security are pissed off that they are not flying and have to grope up stranger all day so do their best to ensure you miss your flight, or at the very least have a totally awful time getting to it.

This year I want to get there early, so that when we join the queue from Great Dunmow to security we can still be sure of catching the plane. But, it seems, the airline has joined forces with security to make time at the airport hell.

The tickets say latest check-in 2 hours before departure, but hold on, the literature says "Check-in opens 2 hours before departure". Is it me?

I headed for the airlines website, forgetting that the same airline told me extra legroom seats can only be booked up to 7 days before the flight then when I try to book tell they can only be booked 3 days before the flight but there are none available by then.

The website was most helpful and recommends that I check-in 2 hours before departure. That will be the same time as the that check-in closes I guess.

I know very little about running an airport, but even I think checking in a plane load of people in less than a minute will be pushing it.

Still it is as likely as getting through security before take off on the weekend before Christmas I guess.

Woolworths, who needs it anyway?

Good old Gordon is at it again, not happy with buying a few banks and running up the national debt to a level never seen before, he is now saying that the government will do all it can to keep Woolworth open until Christmas.
He has definitely gone completely mad, or I suspect the truth is that he has not been into Woolworth recently.

I often go in to the local one, its an amazing experience that I urge everyone to try. I actually do it because you can cut through to the proper shops but I still marvel as I cut through.

The wonder is how such a large shop can sell nothing worth buying, even by accident.
As you walk into the local store at the moment there is rack after rack of totally useless plastic stuff. This stuff is in plastic packaging that is several times the size of the stuff.
The stuff appears to be lots of children's toys all no doubt made in China painted in toxic and or radioactive paints and guaranteed to fall apart within moments.

As I hurry through the next isles are that well known maker of everything quality JML. There is a tv playing something from JML, a special brush for cleaning a widget off a thingy or a gidget for mangling a worzel no doubt.

Then finally, after walking past a selection of gas lamp spares, there are the sweets. At the moment there are several tons, or if you must tonnes, of sweets and great deals that are only a few pounds more expensive than the Co-op. Sainsburys, Tesco, Asda .......

There was an advert , "thats the wonder of good old Woollies", the wonder has to be now why anyone, least of all a prime minister, would think it worth rescuing Woolworth.

Some things are worth saving and then there is Woolworth.

Tuck shops and how to avoid a financial crisis!

If, like me, you went to school in the days when it was OK to have a tuck shop in the school selling chocolate and crisps at break time you will probably remember your mates who never had any money.

Some mates were always on the scrounge with "lend us enough for some crisps mate". You got to know the friends who if you lent them 2 bob (10p) would give it back the next day and the others who saw it as more of a gift so you didn't lend to them and you warned other friends of the risky borrowers.

It was one of the good things that school taught in the days when a bag of fatty salty crisps did no more than give you the energy for an hours cross country in the rain.

But tuck shops are long gone and no one teaches people about identifying bad debtors.
All the bankers and traders, who have caused the financial crisis, are too young to have been at school when tuck shops were still allowed and have no idea that you don't lent to those who can not or will not pay it back.

We have the do gooders to blame, the people who banned tuck shops because they sold junk food because children no longer run it off because cross country is banned for health and safety reasons.

If we want to save the financial systems of the world re-open the tuck shops, before its too late!

Baby "P" and other Points of News

Have you wondered who decides what is news. If you read blogs then the author decides, but in the world of media who is it that decides all papers and news reports will be about the same thing. And once they get hold of a bit of news why do they go on , and on , and on about it.

The latest saturation of news must be this "baby P" story (see blog entry below).

Yes its sad, yes someone made a mistake but now we are into the "make sure they know it was not my fault" from everyone who thinks it was not their fault.
Surely I am not the only person who has moved on from this news and realises that some children will still be assaulted by their parents, some will inevitably end up in hospital and some will sadly die, but reading and hearing more and more about a case will not solve any problems, yet this is what the media do with every story.

They tell us every detail, so that we even know the inside leg measurement of the person who once emptied the bins of the person who made the trousers worn by a woman who walked past the house where the incident may have occurred 5 hours later.
Is there anything to be gained by this over the top investigation of everything, who has decided we want to know.

Baby P, and all over reported stories are great news for Gordon Brown, attention is diverted for a moment from the fact that he is still there and still wrecking the country, which brings me nicely onto the my next point from the news.

Gordon did cause the Problems!

Supporters of Gordon the Clown are saying what a fab job he is doing saving the economic planet and that as all the problems are global problems nothing is his fault.
OK that is fine, let us assume these are global problems and therefore the other side of the coin is that when things were going fantastically it was a global thing too, nothing to do with the man at No. 11 Downing St.

Come on Gordon you can't have it both ways.

Dead Baby - I'm sorry I can't help but laugh!

Now now, calm down, I know there can never be a time when the death of a child is a laughing matter. For those involved it is tragic but on this occasion I can't hold back a chortle.

Before you think me sick or uncaring (should I care) I will point out that it is not the death that has caused the smile but what has followed.

There has been a case where a baby had died and the authorities have said that the child can not be named but can only be know as "baby P". You can see where this is going, can't you.

I don't know why this has made such huge news but it has been debated in Parliament and is on the radio and in all the papers.
It first came to my attention when Gordon Brown and David Cameron were described as having a "heated exchange in the house about the circumstances surrounding baby pee". On come on please, you can't say that without a large proportion of the listeners stifling back a laugh.

We then have people reporting "that the council concerned should not be involved in the investigation into baby pee" and so it goes on.

Childish I may be, but if I had been in charge of finding one of 26 letters to attach to this case it as sure as hell would not have been "P".

Save the Planet, but only for profit!

They say that the truth will always prevail. Whoever "they" are it seems they are right again. This week one council has said that it will no longer re-cycle certain types of plastics because the value of them has gone down and it is no longer profitable.

Hold on there, I thought we were to believe that the point of re-cycling is that it saves the planet.

You have to wonder if this council is one that has been handing out £100 fines to anyone who dares to accidentally muddle up a plastic cup in with the landfill waste. If so how can they explain that its all going to landfill now.

It seems that we must all save the planet, give up plastic bags, and cut our CO2 but only if it makes someone a profit.

Now why am I not surprised.

Recession hits!

There is a saying that if you talk about something for long enough it will happen, well if there isn't a saying there should be.
The media have been rattling on about it for months and now can boast "you heard it first here, the country is in recession" great!

The question I can't find a proper answer to is what does a recession mean to the man in the street, and don't start with the PC "don't you mean person in the street" I remind you this is my blog and I don't do politically correct.

A recession means that employers can use the excuse to get rid of all the lazy sods they have wanted to ditch for years and the banks can decide that although they promised me a nice 5% on savings it will now become 2%, and I should consider myself lucky, don't I know their CEO is only having half a million bonus this Christmas and his pool heater is lowered to 29deg.

This recession, they tell us, will last until 2011 and will be worse than the recession in the 90's, remember that we are talking about the very same "experts" who didn't even see this mess coming yet now expect us to still listen to them.

I am losing my thread in this blog , I though I was going to write about the recession and how to survive it but instead I have wandered off track and found myself woffling insanely, although that will get me an interview as a presenter on radio 2 it doesn't keep readers interested in the blog.

Still my excuse is that I am sat at the computer wearing 3 pullovers and 2 pairs of socks in a room with a temperature just above freezing typing by the light of one 15w bulb, apparently it is what I have to do to survive a recession.

If my original saying is right all we need to do now is, repeat after me " there is no recession every thing is fine" now keep saying it.

FTSE slides on trade fears!

It is terrible times in the financial systems. The world is apparently falling apart, so much so that we need Gordon Brown to stick his underpants on over his trousers and rush into action as Flash Gordon.


With all these problems, that we are supposed to believe are causing the financial crisis, I have actually identified the real reason and can solve it easily.
The problem is that the people trading, and causing the crash, are all scared of everything.
Each day the news is "stock exchanges around the world fell today amid trader fears of" :- oil prices, banks, recession, spiders in the bath, rabid dogs.
Is there anything that traders are not scared of?
Are traders all over the world hiding behind the sofa as soon as Dr Who comes on, jumping out of their skins whenever someone says boo.

Find traders with a little courage for heavens sake, before the whole system collapses.

Cabinet Re-shuffle.

How does it work, why do they do it, it makes no sense at all. I am of course talking about the cabinet re-shuffles. There seems no rhyme or reason to them and so I decided the only way to under stand how they work is to do our own re-shuffle about the town and see what happens.

Here is the re-shuffle for the town to take place from Monday.

Mrs Marge Miggins is moved from running the pie shop, where she has worked for 25years, she is now senior dentist at the dental practice.

Dara Patel will therefor move from being the dentist to drive the bus, despite her protest that she has only ever ridden a pedal cycle I have every confidence that she will turn around the poor service we have been experiencing on our transport system

Barry Smith will move from driving the bus and becomes the butcher Daniel the butcher moving to take over the garage.

The final move in the town will of course be Jim from the garage who will take over the pie shop and from Monday we look forward to the new selections he can introduce.

Stupid blog, I hear you say, maybe remember Gordon Brown has done exactly this, appointing unqualified people to posts they know nothing about and tells us it will lead to better government.
Don't hold your breath.

Gordon Brown and the Sinking Ship - Political Sketch

The sea was calm with wonderful views of the stars in the night sky as the ship crossed the Ocean.

Captain Gordon Brown sat on the bridge, he was happy with the quiet waters and busy telling everyone how fantastic he was as captain.

"You should see the way I handle this ship, I am so fantastic I know everything about her I am a great captain" he laughed.
As usual the other officers on the ships bridge were humouring him, wary of his fierce temper and aware that the slightest thing would send him into a rage.

"Captain, you do realise that in these waters it would be a good idea to make the most of the calm sea and make up some time, and oh, your heading has put us off course by about a hundred miles you know?" said one of the junior officers, rather sheepishly.
"Nonsense" shouted Gordon "I know exactly what I am doing keep to this heading and speed and all your seas will be calm"
"Yes sir, but we are very close to the reef"
"Never you mind, I am Gordon, while I am in command everything is just fine"
Gordon drank another glass of wine and looked at his watch. "slow the engines and head another 4 degrees north" He commanded.
"Um, yes sir, but on that heading we will actually hit the reef" replied David, the 2nd in command.
"Sir, I think Gordon is either drunk or mad, I really don't think he knows what he is doing, I could do a better job as Captain than him" whispered one of the junior officers to David.
David was already worried, "Captain we must change course and increase speed, I think that your [moral] compass may be faulty." he said.
"Are you questioning me" Bellowed Gordon, "And I heard what that junior rating said, he is relieved of his duties"
Gordon poured another glass of wine.

An alarm sounded on the control panel. "We only have 3 metres depth of water under the ship, all engines stop" commanded David.
"Disregard that order, continue on this heading and at this speed" bellowed Captain Brown.
"The Captain is either drunk or incompetent, ignore him I am taking command of this ship" Said David
"You are doing no such thing, you are relieved of your duties too" shouted the Captain.

The sound of the ships hull tearing against the reef as she lurched to port caused an instant hush to fall over the entire crew. Water began to fill the ship as it listed rapidly.

"I am in command" shouted David "shut all forward hatches and start the pumps, we can save her if we act fast"

"This is no time for a novice to be in charge, this ship needs a captain with experience, with excellent vision who knows how to drive her, I am the best man for the job" Shouted Captain Gordon.

"Ill leave you to it then" smiled David as he headed for the lifeboats.

HBOS Lloyds and Financial Meltdown

Some how the banks have lost billions of pounds. I have been looking as I drive about but isn't laying anywhere obvious, I think that many billions would be easy to find.

There is now a problem that we can't know which bank to trust with our money or who is going to go under next. It has all been caused by greed and although a lot of us are losing money there are still plenty of people in the city who are making money by making others lose it. Don't expect me to explain that one but it is apparently going on.

As the Hitch Hikers Guide to the Universe says "DON'T PANIC" I have the solution for you.

Bury your money in my garden.
This is very simple and guarantees you won't lose any money, well probably not.
Go and draw out all your money and bring it to me. I will then put your money in to a Tupperware container, its OK they are waterproof, Ill then dig a hole in my garden and bury it. I will give you a receipt for the money. Problem solved.

If you need money you can call around and for a small fee I will dig up your box and give you whatever money you want from it.
If you have a lot of money and want me to I can lend some of your money to other people who have boxes but don't have enough money for something. They will then pay you back the money plus a little bit extra.

I only have a small garden but I have friends who will also let me put boxes in their gardens and will only charge me a small amount. They are also letting people bury boxes in their gardens so if you need to borrow some money and there isn't enough in my garden boxes they will lend me some from their boxes for a small fee.
Don't worry its all OK if I run out of money they will let me have money to pay you so you will never lose your money.

There is no reason to worry about your money once you have joined my scheme, I guarantee that at any time you need money I should have some here for you.

So, if you wish to use my facilities just drop me an email HBOS@Lloyds.com

Green Collar Workers.

Its the latest buzz word being thrown about by Gordon Brown and I admit I thought he had made it up.

Silly me, how could he make up something. He said that his government is going to create one million new "green collar" jobs. Oh please , that's so pathetic, we are to refer to people who work in "green" industries as green collar workers. Yawn, how can things get any more stupid, I am sure they will.

Will there be a sliding scale of green, a white with a tint of green for companies who are a little bit "green" through to dark green for people who build mud huts and forage for food.
The crazy save the planet greenies are still taking over. I could not get a carrier bag for my shopping from the co-op yesterday, do their workers now qualify as light green collar workers?

And what of the traditional blue collar jobs where manual labour is part of an eco friendly company, must they now become sludge brown collar workers.

Gobal Warming - Bring It On -Quick!

Its Sunday morning, I am sat in the conservatory watching it rain, again.
The long range forecast says that September will be dryer than average but a little below average temperature. This forecast was published on 27th August yet today's news is of floods and driving rain. I wonder if they should upgrade the Sinclair ZX81 they run the weather model on.

Since governments all over the world started telling us that the planet is warming and that the UK will become a desert it feels that it has not stopped raining for more than a week.
Don't get me wrong, when my carrots were in he ground I was happy for a little "carrot rain", the type that is gentle and drizzly, but now they are harvested I would be pleased to see the sun again.

"They" have got it wrong, the truth must surely be that pumping all that lovely CO2 into the atmosphere was producing proper summers and nice cold winters, now reducing it is just trashing everything. Go on prove I'm wrong, my theory is just as plausible as any government funded scientist who has to say CO2 is bad or lose his grant. Is it too much to ask that we go back to producing as much CO2 as we can for say just 6 months and see if the weather improves.

No one really believes that CO2 is making things worse so perhaps it will make it better if we produce more of it.

There could be a glitch in my plan we may only have until Wednesday. Scientists are starting up a machine next week which some say will create a black hole on Earth. I joke not, they seriously could destroy the world in a split second.
Its OK the chances of that happening as really small, probably as small as a 1 in 14million. Although if you wont the lottery this weekend you might want to worry, you won on the same odds.

Ill let you know Thursdays how the tests went.

Points from the news - School Reform

There is big news for anyone starting secondary school this week, they can look forward to an extra year. I know one teacher who must be over the moon that she has to put up with some people for an extra year.

The education minister, Ed Balls, explained the advantages of the reforms, but what he came out with was so garbled I don't think even he knew what he had implemented.

There are some obvious things that will change with pupils staying on in school the extra year but there are also some things that I bet Ed Balls has not thought of. Take for example the age to drive a car, oh yes its 17 isn't it. So that means that in about 6 years time a whole load of boy (and girl) racers will be heading through the school gates trying to beat the teachers to the parking places.

The one thing that might save teachers from car park battles each morning is that in 6 years time they won't be able to afford petrol so will no doubt be on a "school teachers bus", while, as the home office tells us there is going to be a huge crime wave, the pupils will all have petrol having driven off without paying.

The chances of pupils actually learning anything extra in the additional year are slim, but that won't matter, exams are in such a mess that most will probably be given their exam results when they start this week.

Educations, Education, Education, or as we say now, bit of an Ed Ball up ain't it.

Olympics 2012

Well that's it, the Olympics are over and now we are "counting down to 2012". Fantastic!

The prime minister is over the moon and all his advisers are rushing to him, "Gordon, Gordon, quick jump on the back of these people's success and make some speeches so people forget what a plonker you are".

So Gordon made a speech about how everyone is celebrating all the medals, there he goes again assuming he knows what people think.

I am not a fan of the Olympics, I mean just look at the hand over at the end. They have really set the tone, a bus and bloody Beckham. How was that supposed to represent London and the UK. Come on the local am-dram could have come up with something better.

Yes I know, It did one thing, it shows the world what they will be standing waiting for when they are trying to get to the 2012 games and all that was missing was "Rail Replacement Service" on the front.

I try to understand I really do, but what were all the people in London and Scotland actually celebrating with all there little Olympic flag waving and shouting.

I was walking through London on Sunday morning and there were people all over the place with bags full of plastic flags. What for? Maybe the truth is that they were found leaving night clubs and promised a free vodka if they went up the Mall and waved a flag.

Some of the paper headlines today are counting down to 2012. It is probably only me, but 2012 is 4 years away, and if you hype it up from now on by the time we get there it can only ever be an anti-climax, cant it?

UK Recession. Green your way into one.

The country, we are are told, is going into recession. The boom days are over and GDP and TCP or whatever it is they measure is falling. Growth is at a stand still and if we are not careful things will be as bad as they were the last time things were bad. Crikey!

I have the answer to why this is happening, I won't even charge the Government millions of pounds consultancy for this information, its here free.

BEING GREEN IS CRASHING THE ECONOMY

Yes that's it, it is as simple as that and here are a few of the reasons why:-

1) "Don't throw things away if they can be repaired". This means people won't need to buy so many new things which means less demand for good which means less retail spending which mean less manufacturing needed therefore less jobs in retail and manufacturing and then less jobs in transport.

2) "Reduce your carbon footprint" This is obviously going to have a huge impact with less need to replace cars so the car industry will have to get smaller, less call for new heating systems so more manufacturing closing down, less call for everything using energy so in the medium term there will be less demand for oil so the oil industry can lay some people off too.

3) "Don't use plastic bags" That's a whole load of jobs down the pan in one swipe.

I could go on but I think you get the idea. The more "Green" you are the less you need, the less you need the fewer jobs, the fewer jobs the quicker we slide into recession.

The money people go on about the need to sustain growth in the economy. But continued growth forever is impossible. There is only so much stuff that people can ever need and once they have it all that's it, no more growth.

The only way to prevent a recession is to forget Green, forget the carbon footprint rubbish and go waste as must of everything as you can.

Its your choice, lots of trash, lots of CO2 or no job and recession.

Team GB Olympic Gold

I have done well, it has been on for over a week and this it the first time I have blogged about it. The Olympics, come on, they have to be one of the most pointless wastes of money ever.

There, I have said what millions of people in this country think.

Despite the media telling us how fab team GB are and that they have won more gold than the last time they won this many is there really any point to it all.

All we hear about is "come 2012" this will happen and that will happen. It has got so bad that commentators are almost saying "well yes you got a gold today, but what about 2012 do you think you will win there". No sorry, they are not almost saying it they actually are.

The hype and spin in order to make us forget that something over £9billion will be wasted in the UK for 2 weeks in 2012 is amazing. Yesterday a radio interview revealed that each Olympic competitor gets in the region of £100,000 a year from lottery grants and an undisclosed amount from the tax payer. Then today there is the headline that we need another £100million for training for 2012. No we don't, we need to spend some money on the country, rail, roads, hospitals, schools, policing.

Its nice saying here you are have loads of money to go learn how to sail, or ride a bike around in circles. In fact just spend the next 4 years riding a bike, but what boring people they must become.
They are not dedicated they are obsessive, no time to do anything because they have to train and train and train for a race in 2012. Unless your totally mental no one spends 4 years training for a ride around a track, or to wobble about on a gym horse.

Does the country gets better if some obsessive bunch of girls win a silver medal rowing a boat then cry about it, or some woman rides her horse "awfully well".

It will soon be over, then Gordon Brown will be there to accept the flame or something. That's will be nice for him, its a shame that both he and the awful Tessa Jowell stand about as much change of having a job by 2012 as the bunch of crying women stand of winning a gold.

There is one thing that will be carried on from theses game to 2012, you can bet that everything used at the 2012 games will also have printed on it "Made in China"

CO2 - The Scientist is not always right.

Regular readers will know my views on CO2 and global warming.
For anyone who is reading the blog for the first time its is basically this, the planet is warming, it has been since the ice age or else we would all be under ice, CO2 has diddly squat to do with it.

So there you have it, I believe in global warming, its obvious isn't it.
Well it seems not. A Mr Charles Williams tells me that I don't believe in global warming and, he says, he is a scientist.

The story is this, I wrote an article for a local mag about the cult calling themselves Transition Towns that are setting up all over the place. They are a group of Eco-warriors who are going to save the planet by moving us all into mud and rock huts and growing a few veg. For anyone who knows about transition towns and says "they are not a cult" I can only say go read the definition of cult.

My article told it as I see it and I am pleased to say a Mr Charles Williams decided to reply the following week.

Unfortunately for Charlie he is rather as his name suggests, a bit of a charlie, and has fallen for the Transition town mantra. He tells me that he believes we can save our town by growing a few veg and fruit that will make us more secure and robust against global warming and peak oil etc. yawn.
I am not sure where these "peak oil low CO2" people are going to get their drinking water, heat, light and sewage processing from but I wish them well living on potatoes and apples.

The thing with Charlie is this, he writes that I " clearly do not believe in global warming".
The problem is that he has never spoken to me, never met me and knows nothing about me. So where does he get his evidence that I don't believe in global warming.

The answer is simple, he is a scientist and like all the CO2 experts, he doesn't need evidence, he just makes it up.

Gordon Brown to Resign

Today in the news we hear that 3 of Gordon Brown's cabinet ministers have said he is the best man for the job. They have not however said what the job is, probably collecting trolleys in Tesco.

I have managed to get a copy of the phone call between Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling, Harriet Harman and John Denham when they called to support him:-

"Hello Gordon its Alistair, and Harriet and John, how is the holiday going?"
"Hello you lot, its ok thanks, I keep bumping into those terrible members of the public but when we are back in the house its ok"
"Well we all hope you are having a really nice time, you deserve a good holiday you are such a brilliant person saving the country from the recession and being so fantastic at everything"
"Thank you, I know, I am doing it all for the hard working families"
"Yes we know and you are doing it really well, everyone is behind everything you do Gordon and we know you are just the perfect person for the job, your brilliant"
"Thank you all very much"
"Well enjoy the rest of your holiday Gordon and we can't wait to see you when you get back, lots of love, kissy kissy, hug"

Conversation then continued between the three "Well do you think he will keep us in the cabinet now" , "Yes I'm sure he will, especially as we wrote to the papers saying how good his is to" Do you think we should send him some chocolates" "Yes I think we should , and flowers for his wife" "Yes definitely flowers"
"It's a shame hes such a prat, do you think he will resign"
"I do hope so."

Point from the news - Gordon Brown should go.

I tried but I can not let this one go.
David Miliband has made some comments in the news this week, if you don't know what he said then I suggest you skip this blog entry and move on to carrier bags below. If you do know what he said I ask this. There are people in the Labour party who say he should be sacked for even suggesting that he might want to challenge Gordon the clown for leadership.

Hold on, how far is it from sacking someone for suggesting what we all know that Gordon is a moron to having him shot. This country used to be a democracy allowing free speech. If Miliband is sacked it looks like we are definitely a dictatorship.

If anyone dares to disagree with me Ill have your Internet disconnected!