Knife Crime

I sit in the restaurant desperately trying to slice the meat as it slides around, the fork making that horrible noise as it grates against the enamel of the plate.

It is a battle, who will give up first. Will the pork chop give in under the pressure of the knife edge, or will I surrender and eat only the salad.

The waiter wanders over, "is everything OK sir?" he enquires and for some reason, without the slightest hesitation, I reply "yes, lovely thank you". Sweat now pouring off my forehead from the effort.

At last the knife tears off a small piece of the meat, enough when added to a piece of potato to make a reasonable mouthful. I eat revelling in the victory before starting the whole process again.

Yes there is a problem, not with the pork which is perfectly cooked and not in the least bit tough but the problem is the knife. How often do we struggled to eat even a thin and crispy pizza finding that the knife will not cut the bread and the whole thing just slides about the plate, and we end up trying to tear off pieces rather than cut them. It is a crime the state of restaurant knives in this country.

At last, help is at hand, Gordon Brown has promised to do whatever it takes to tackle the problem of knives in Briton. He has decided to do something useful, aware that some day he will be dealing with a knife slipped into his back and knowing that a sharp knife is easier to remove.

There is hope once more for the country. The stock exchange can collapse, the housing market get trashed and petrol become £10 a gallon . When the knife glides effortlessly through a prime steak with onions and English mustard let us raise a glass of the finest Australian Red, "to Gordon may the knife in his back be a sharp one".