Guide to Terror Alerts

In case no one noticed we have a new Prime Minister and in order to show that he is now running the country and telling us what to do he needs to get the "Terror Fear Factor" back.

After a liberal spread of "attacks" the alert status has just been raised to Critical so here I explain what the levels are:-

CRITICAL - Don't panic, expect to be blown to bits any time any place anywhere.
SEVERE - Don't panic, there is a good chance you'll be blown up some place.
SUBSTANTIAL - Don't panic but you could be blown to bits some place.
MODERATE - Don't panic but you might be blown to bits.
LOW - Don't panic but if you do get blown up we will say "blimey that was a surprise"

There is nothing different that you can do whether the status is low or critical, it means nothing. The alert state can have no effect on the way we go about our day because we have to be aware of what is going on about us no matter what level the government is trying to scare us with.
We might as well be told "today the alert status is SAUSAGE" is means the same.