Is there anyone who gets things right?

I moved house last year and there were a few problems informing organisations of the move. But as far as I was aware my bank was all sorted.

Some weeks ago a letter door dropped through the door, one via the Royal Mail re-direction, which in its self is funny because for 12 months very little has reached me on re-direction, not even the ones I sent to myself at the old address to test the system.

The letter was the house insurance, for where I live now! Um.
The major worry was that the house insurance is with the same people as the Mortgage and banking. Now before everyone starts telling me "you don't have to have your insurance with the mortgage company", I know, but it is actually the best price available, believe me I spent ages checking.

I phoned them and after 42 levels of press 1 for this 3 for that 6 for something else spoke to an advisor. I explained the problem, "Oh yes " she said, "the contact address is still your old address" , "I see, can you change it please and while you are about it I have several other things with you can you make sure that they are all correct please".
I heard the rattling of her fingers on the keyboard then, "yes everything is OK now they are all correct", "Good, thank you", "Is there anything else I can help you with today?" she asked, "Yes actually, (that caught her) I need to get a new cash card", "you need to go into the branch for that" "OK thank you, goodbye".

Three weeks later I went into the branch and spoke to the lady who stands in the middle of the place at a terminal. I told her what I needed "whats your post code?" I told her, "there is nothing with that, do you have your old card?" I handed it over, " Maybe it is under my old post code I offered, CM....... " Yes it is" .
I was just a little cross and explained why. Ten minutes later I left happy that my address was correct and that my new card would arrive "10 days before the new pin for security reasons". No I couldn't work that one out either, if they send the new card to the wrong address how does sending the PIN 10 later make it secure. Still they know best.

I have the card and PIN and thought all was well. Then I received a letter via the mail re-direction, you don't need me to say do you, your one step ahead of me aren't you. It also suddenly struck me that for the last 12 months I have not had a statement from the bank. Somewhere, either at my old address or more probably laying on a Royal Mail van floor, are my bank statements. That's nice and secure isn't it.

Deciding that writing, phoning and visiting the branch had obviously failed I send a complaint via the banks online secure message system. I got a lovely long reply today, you can hardly tell that is is written by selecting paragraphs from a list and adding my name at the top. The reply says how sorry they are that I have had problems and how they are so careful to get things right and it is so unusual that things like this go wrong.

Its signed "Kind regards Gaby Knight, Change of Name and Address Complaints Team " It might just be me, but does a company who gets things right usually have a specific team like that?

Holiday Costs.

Its that time of year when I look at how to ensure my carbon footprint doesn't shrink and consider where we will head for Christmas and into the new year.
Christmas in Portugal as is often the case so the next thing is where after that.

We had looked at skiing in Austria but in order to up the CO2 we need somewhere long-haul and as we can't get a suitable flight to OZ (see post on Virgin below) Canada might be an option.

OK, so I know its only 10 hours compared with the 23 to OZ but at least its a start to our 2009 footprint.

Then we came to looking at the brochures and web pages and realised that holiday firms and airlines don't always tell the truth.

I selected a hotel saw that the price is £650. I then worked though to the actual price I pay. Two people, 10 days, select the dates, select the airport and the final total. Struth !
Hold on 650 x2 equals how much ? This must be Nu-Labour maths.

Then I looked at the cost breakdown, it goes like this:-
Hotel £650, add "transport supplement" £95
"Adult supplement" £975 (because although they say they have 2 person rooms you can not book them so they charge you for only being 2 people in a 4 person room)
Add fuel supplement of £372, supliment?!! no its OK, Ill just go with whatever fuel the captain puts in the plane I don't need more than he does
ATOL protection £2 - that's a new one they used to include that.
Now something I can not fathom at all "variety club" £1 wot the ??????

We haven't even finished there, to leave Vancouver there is a local fee to pay of 15 Canadian dollars for something called airport improvement tax. Shhhhh, don't let Heathrow hear about that one.
I am sure there will also be driving to the airport tax, power to operate the luggage handling equipment supplement, asking the pointless security questions supplement, wear and tear to the departure lounge carpet tax and operating the BING BONG announcement charge.

I have an idea, the holiday company could put "holiday for 2 £3879" because amazingly that is what the £650 holiday really costs.

Wind Turbines / Inflation - Points from the News.

Some days there is nothing exciting in the news and other days it is just brimming over with so much that I can't drag myself away from it. Today is one of those nothing news days but I can not resist comment on two items that filled the non-news.

First is the fact that Gordon Clown had announced that the government intends to build 7000 new wind turbines by 2020. Now assuming he doesn't mean by twenty past 8pm he still has to go some. I recon that he needs to build 1.7 new turbines every day of the year. Now I am no expert but I kind of think that is going some and that a turbine probably takes longer than a day to build. Still that's why he is PM and I am still in the land of reality.

The second piece of new is that the governor of the Bank of England says that he is confident that inflation will fall to the government target of 2%. Yes I am sure it will, in the world of pixies and goblins but again just maybe he should stop sucking up to the government and get real too.

Virgin Atlantic Frequent Flyer

A few years ago I had a holiday and flew with Virgin Atlantic, in the days they still cared about people. As a result I joined their loyalty scheme which gives points for flying and also from a credit card with their name.

Over the last couple of years I have amassed a huge number of these points and so decided to use them to up my carbon footprint (see blog entries below) and go back to Australia on holiday.

In the past it was a simple call to Virgin to book the upgrade seat and pay for another but now things have changed. "sorry there are no upgrade seats available" , "you can try calling back each morning between 8-9 (sounds like the local doctors) or you can keep checking the web site". OK, not a problem, "when are seats likely to be available?" "You would have to phone and keep checking".

So I got on the website, for 5 hours I tried, every possible combination of dates over a 3 month period as far ahead as you are allowed to book. Each time I had to put in all the details, tick the box, have the website fail, retry, input the details, you get the idea.

They have a very few upgrade reward seats available but they wont let you use the 24 hour trip you have to do a 38 hour trip. There are plenty of other upgrade seats for people but not under the loyalty reward scheme. It seems the loyalty scheme is to keep you loyal to the brand, its a one way thing.

I can not imagine traveling for 38 hours, 14 of which are sat in an airport waiting for a connecting flight.

But this is not the worst of their loyalty scheme. They also give "Free Companion Flights". Wow excellent! Well no actually. I have "earned" 4 of these so far but not used any. You see to take a companion along free you have to buy an expensive ticket for yourself. Then if you do manage to find a reward companion seat available on the flight you want (Unlikely in itself) you have to pay the taxes and surcharges for the free companions. This amounts to a higher cost for the two seats than to buy 2 tickets on the same plane in the same class. Their answer on this is "yes that can sometimes be the case", well actually tell me when it isn't the case.

I posted a message on a website specifically for Virgin flyer's and got several people telling me that I was being "a bit off" for expecting to use my loyalty points on a flight I wanted and to be happy that they all know loads of people who have flown other places, not Australia, using their airmiles.

Yes the lady on the phone told me that I could easily get to New York.

CO2 Car Tax Rip Off

How would you like to pay your income tax based on a guess of how much the government think you will earn?
The new car tax rules mean that we will be paying our car tax based on a guess of how much CO2 our vehicles produce. Your car (if you have on) is given a value of grammes of CO2 per Kilometre and it is probably totally wrong.
My car says its CO2 is 202g/km but working it out over several tanks of petrol the worst case is 179g/km but because it says 202 I will be paying £300 for my car tax next year but it should be £205.

Here is how to work it out:- Divide 2.3 (a litre of petrol produces 2.3kg of CO2 or use 2.7 if you have a diesel car) by the number of kilometres you get from a litre of petrol. That figure will be 0.xxx the .xxx is the number of grammes you produce per km.

Now check your vehicle registration document and decide if the government is going to be ripping you off.

The new tax rates are here http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_depth/629/629/7293011.stm

Police Survey.

The results of a telephone survey on the views of teenager to policing has been published and apparently 73% of them are happy with policing in their area. The trouble with surveys is that they are usually worded to get the replied the organisation wants. But at least a survey such as this shows someone is happy with policing.

Here is a transcript of one of the telephone survey conversations:-

Ring ring, ring ring, ring , ring
"yeah wot"
"Good evening I am calling on behalf of a police survey and need to obtain the views of people between the ages of 17 and 20 on policing in their area, are you between 17 and 20"
"yeah corse"
"Are you prepared to answer some questions for me please"
"Whatever"
"First how old are you"
"18 corse, I go ID and everyfing"
"In the last 12 months have you had any dealing with the police"
"Like corse" (That's a tick for yes)
"What was the encounter"
"No it wern't at a counter it was in the field like, one of them like pdsa not real cops with like the grey band on the hat not like the real ones, he come over when we was having a spliff and said like you got a knife and I said sure wot you gona do an he like said ok and just like went cos me and Sam was there" (That's a tick for yes)
"Ok thank you, did you feel that the police dealt with you fairly"
"Well like yea cos, he pissed off like we wanted" (That's a tick for yes happy)
"Thinking of only the last 12 months have you had any other dealing with the police)
"Yeah right, like cos I just wana speak to them all the time" (Tick for more than one dealing)
"When you spoke to them did they resolve the problem for you"
"What you mean"
"Were you happy when the police left"
"Yeah corse man, like everyone always cool when they leave" (Tick for happy with police action)
"Do you see police patrolling in you area"
"Like always, yea right" (Tick for patrols seen at least once a day)
"Do you know the name of your local neighbourhood officers"
"Yeah right" (Tick for know local officers)
"Do you know where the closest police station to your home is that is open 24 hours a day"
"Yeah right lime Im gona need that man" (Tick for yes)

And so it went on. Which shows that no matter what you think of the youth of today they are at least good at helping the police image when it comes to a survey.

Personal Carbon Credits

Despite being the most amazing hoax ever, saving the planet by reducing carbon continues to produce crack-pot ideas. The latest is by The Environmental Audit Committee in the UK. They are seriously suggesting that a scheme of personal carbon credits would "be more effective than taxes for cutting carbon emissions".

There is a word that a friend uses a lot, it is also to be found in the writings of a well know author and I think it perfectly describes the Environmental Audit Committee, Fuckwits.

The committee is not trying to save the Earth, they are living on another planet.

Let's assume that they actually think this idea could work, which frighteningly they do, how would it be administered. I assume that the rich with their huge houses, personal jets and holidays every other week will be given a massive amount of these new credits and the rest of us will get just enough to survive as long as we don't put the heating up in winter and never drive more than 5miles a week.

The committee suggests that "those who need more can buy more and those who use less can sell them" but overall there will be a fixed amount of carbon credits each year. That looks like a win for the rich yet again.

Apparently when we buy petrol, gas, electricity, flights, etc we will spend money and the new carbon credits. So there I am at the petrol pump, I have just put in £500 of petrol (about 10 litres by then) and I suddenly think "oh hell I am out of credits. No problem I wander around the forecourt waving some cash asking "anyone sell me some carbon credits", and hope dodgy Joe is there with his black market supply?

Just for a moment I will play along with there game and make a useful suggestion, when this scheme comes in this is what Carbon Credits might look like:

Or maybe this is more what they have in mind:-

New speed limits to save lives - Yeah Right!

Several years ago the government of the day, who we are still suffering under, introduced measures to save lives on the roads of the UK. The "initiative" would reduce fatal and serious injury accidents and locations would be "targeted" with speed cameras, road improvements etc.

Some years on and the number of fatal road crashes in not reducing, although because of the reduction in traffic police the number of injury accidents recorded by the police and Home Office has reduces. Strange but the number recorded by the hospitals has increased. Um.

Anyway, the point of this blog is not to look back on failure but to look forward to success.

This week the government has announced that it has an initiative to cut fatal and serious injury road accidents, yawn. The great idea this time is to have loads of 20mph speed limits all over the place. The good bit is that there won't be any new road humps it will all be done with signs and lots of average speed detection cameras. I smell a rat, this is not to save lives its all about fines and money.

The whole misguided idea on this is that at 30 mph so many people are killed when hit by a car, at 20mph it drops to less. Although they probably end up sat in a chair as a vegetable for the rest of their lives.

I have a better plan, instead of saying hit people at a slower speed with your car, lets get radical, don't bloody hit them at all.
You never know it might just work!

Rule Britannia - Well maybe not

There have been a couple of military parades this week that got me thinking and made me realise why Britain is such a soft touch for anyone who fancies coming here illegally.

The first was a military parade in London at which 3 fighter planes flew past, some say it was the entire RAF, and a load of men on horses went through the streets showing the might of the British Army.

The second was a parade in Russia showing their power to the word and saying "hey look not only do we have most of the worlds gas supplies but we also have quite a lot of tanks too".
So here you are British power
And then the Russian version


I know which country I'd go to as an illegal.

Car Tax

I have droned on before about Carbon and the con of "green taxes" but one of the latest attempts is just pure revenue grabbing.

You may have heard in the last budget that car tax is to go up huge amounts, maybe like many you though its OK it is for new cars, well oops sorry no, it is for all cars registered since March 2001. God only knows how they decided on that date but there you are.

So I for one will be looking at £300 next year for my car tax. But that's OK it will save the planet, wont it?

Well actually no. I do about 4000-5000 miles a year in my car which is very little compared to Ronny the rep who has a small car and does 60,000 miles a year but only has to pay £100 for his tax. But hold on one darn minute, he is producing tons more CO2 than me.

Next time the Chancellor decides to work out car tax groups maybe he will do it on the height of the driver. It makes as much sense.

Speed Limits

Have you had an accident in the last 3 years that was not your fault?

If so perhaps it was caused because you were distracted by the latest fad hitting the roads of the UK. Millions of unnecessary road signs. They are popping up everywhere and some are fantastically good at distracting you from the one important thing about driving. Watching what is happening on the road.

By far the worst of these new signs must be the LED speed limit signs. These solar powered signs register your speed then flash the speed limit at you. Maybe its me, but surely if you are going faster than the speed limit the last thing you need is something distracting you so that you don't see little Chavney running into the road ahead of you.

And the ones even worse are those that tell you "slow down" and give you your speed. Firstly your instinct is to look at this flashing sign the second is to look at your speedo to see that , yes, the sign is wrong.

I was driving in a queue of traffic through a 30 limit the other day. We were all about 75 feet apart (see what I have done there) and the front car was, according to the sign, doing 28, so was the next and the next, then suddenly "SLOW DOWN" 42 flashed on the sign. Interesting how I can do 42 in a line of cars doing 28. What is more worrying is that the technology is the same as used in speed detection for prosecutions.

On another road there are 3 metre square signs every few hundred metres saying "SLOW DOWN its 50 for a reason" with the 50 being a huge so speed limit sign. The signs say this to every motorist, even the one I was stuck behind doing 40. What is this mystical reason for it being 50. Probably to take away the pleasure of driving along another road, because as far as I could see it would have been just as safe for me to drive along the road at 60 or even 90 as 50. Or just maybe its so that the sign manufacturers can make a killing selling unnecessary road signs to the local councils.

Next time your out driving try to read and understand every road sign you pass. Don't miss any remember to act on the prohibitions and comprehend the informative ones, don't miss any of the little brown ones or the unnecessary reminders, check all the road markings and be aware of the date of the next boot sale.

But before you do make a note of this number 0800 884 0060. Its Claims Direct. I am guessing you will need it.

Teenager killed in Ecuador coach crash - So What?

It has been a lovely few spring days in England yet some papers are printing the "last email of " a girl killed in some crash while she was on holiday.

I know its a sad time for her family, but I never knew the girl, so excuse me if I don't so much as sniff back one tear. There is certainly no point publishing the last email she wrote to here parents, what possible use is it to me, to anyone. It was never meant to be published and reading it does nothing for anyone except her parents.

In the UK each week about 9,000 people pop their clogs. Yet papers decide that some deaths are more important than others, how do they do that and why.

Now and again you might know one of the 9000 so you can grieve a bit, miss them and do all the things one does when someone dies. But the papers seem to want us to grieve more and more deaths so why not grieve for them all. It means you have just over a minute to grieve for each.

OK, that's not realistic is it, the girl died in a crash so maybe just grieve for people killed in crashes and to make it easier lets just keep it to the UK . That's better you only have 9 a day to worry about so you can give each one at least 2 hours, hardly time to really revel in the grief but better than nothing and should give you time to read the "last email" from each one.

While on the subject of death, today I was driving when coming from the other direction was a funeral cortege being led at walking pace.

For some reason, I know not what, the people in front of me all slowed to walking pace too. Behind the funeral were hundreds of drivers being made to drive at 4mph because of someone most never knew. Yet the family of the dead person felt it was their right to make everyone slow down regardless. In the queue were lorries, vans, old and young people and presumably some of the queue had places they needed to be, maybe a doctor on his way to a patient, maybe even an ambulance driver or other emergency worker on their way to work. But that's OK they can sit in a mile long queue for someone they never met.

Have some respect for the dead you say. Oh please, get a life!

A pedophile on every street corner!

These days certain news papers seem to drum up mass support for anything they like by printing one word "pedophile".
If they want to shut down a web site, want their readers to hate someone or want to make the government back a new law, then they simply print the "P" word. Anyone who is against their idea should be stoned to death and is probably a pedophile.
It evokes such strength of feeling by its use that when the police can't solve a crime all they have to do is grab a computer from a suspect, upload a few images onto it and who cares if the person abducted anyone or not they are a pedophile what jury will fail to convict them.

You might remember a few years back, the readers of one of these papers attacked a pediatrician and drove her from her home. Well they are not used to words of more than 4 letters and it did look similar.

More and more people who may come into contact with children have to be "police checked". One pressure group suggested people working in shops near to schools need to be checked and a childminder I know had to have her mother checked because she sometimes helps if the children in her care go out in the car.

But hold on a second, there is one group of people that seems to have been overlooked.
Everyone who ever goes on holiday.
Imagine the horror, you have booked your holiday at Centre Parks and you head off there. On the way you should be safe the man in the Dartford Toll booth will be checked in case he smiles at any children in the back of cars. The man operating the tax disc check at the side of the road, he must surely be checked after all he has a camera in a public place. If you stop on the way then all the Mac Donald's staff, well they will obviously be checked because they hand out toys to small children. So if your lucky you get to Center Parks and your children have made it.

You book into your accommodation, the people on the desk will have been checked for sure. Then suddenly it hits you. There are other people staying here. Hundreds of them.
"Excuse me" you ask the lady on the desk, "Have you checked the police records of all the guests who might be in the pool, the entertainment hall, walking through the woods or sitting near the play area at the same time as my children".
You get a puzzled look, you take that as a no.
"Come on kids back in the car its far too dangerous here, we are going home"

Points from the News. Seal cull. French President.

There are two stories in the news today that are really good for a laugh.

The first is the visit to the UK by a rather mad president of France. If you could believe a word he says then it would be a really nice world. But you can't so it isn't. But yesterday he said something in his patronising speech in the UK that had me laughing as I worked out in the gym.
He said something along the lines of "the UK government was a shining example of democracy at work". Oh help. Demo-crazy (think french accent) maybe, but how can a government led by a simpleton 99% of the people in the country have never voted for, and who micro manages every aspect of life from the amount of salt you eat, the c.c. of your car engine to the number of glasses of wine you have a week ever be described as democracy.

The second set of things in the news that had me confused were two stories back to back. The first how all our plastic, especially bags (see below) is killing unfortunate birds and animals all over the planet. It went on to tell me that we have to ban plastic bags and disposable lighters, ever plastic tooth brushes can kill. Crikey! Then came the next piece of news, 250,000 seals are being killed for their fur, skin, oil etc. Maybe I am missing the point here, who decides that a bird is more important than a seal.

Either we keep our plastic or we stop killing seals. You can't have it both ways.

Save the planet. Why bother - Lets Trash it!

If another person says ECO to me I swear I will do something they will regret.

Everywhere you go people are on about ECO this and Green that. Why doesn't everyone just come clean with the fact they have found a new way to make money by saying ECO.

The trouble is no one will actually tell you the truth, and that is that there is nothing we can do that is going to save the planet. It is too late.

For example did you realise that there are underground coal fires burning in China and America that are giving off more CO2 than all the cars in the USA. Interesting isn't it and some of these have been burning over 40 years. Also forest fires around the world add millions of tonnes of CO2 every year and there is nothing that can be done about either of these things.

The point is as I have said before CO2 is not causing global warming. And any failed US presidential candidate who tells you otherwise is simply making it up.

So what can be done to save this mess. Nothing! That's right nothing, not a single thing that we tiny humans do will make a scrap of difference.
Depressed? Well don't be its great news. It means that we can have one last party and trash the planet big time. Like the rock bands who worked themselves up into a frenzy and smashed up the stage the only thing left for us to do is go out in style. It may take us a hundred years or so but if everyone works together we should be able to do it big time.

So sod the consequences, treat yourself to that petrol drinking car and take a few long haul flights. Leave the lights on when you go out and always use the tumble drier.

Go for it . You know you want to.

Council Tax Rip Off

Today my council tax bill arrived. It said it was posted to me on 25th Feb so its not bad that it arrived in only 19 days, the Royal Mail are getting better, but this blog is not about them.

My council tax has, like everything gone up way above the 2.4% we are expected to believe is the rate of inflation. In actual fact the bill says that I have to pay a staggering extra 5% this year to Essex Police, which is really taking the mickey as I live on the police free Island of Mersea. There was once a copper spotted on the island but he was apparently just lost.

Still this blog is not even about the total lack of policing it is about why we pay three councils for what must be the same service, or lack of.
My bill shows that I pay Essex County Council, Colchester Borough and then Mersea Town Council. But hold on one minute the other week when I phoned Colchester Borough the woman there went to great length to tell me that council tax is nothing to do with the services they provide ( or don't). I told her she was wrong and this bill proves it.

What the heck am I paying Essex County Council for that Colchester doesn't provide and there is no need at all for the Town Council who, as far as I can see, provide diddly squat for my money.

Here on Mersea Island we are about to have a Tesco store open, we already have a Spar and a Co-op so here is an idea. When you shop at Tesco remember to also go and pay for the items at the Co-op and the Spar. Well it makes about as much sense as paying three councils.

CCTV.

You can't help but notice that over the last few years more and more ways of keeping track of us have been springing up. For example, when you drive into Tesco's car park your number plate is read, when you drive along hundreds of roads the same thing happens and you can't walk anywhere these days without being on numerous CCTV systems.
Who is monitoring these fixed number plate readers and why.
If you so much as dare question all this surveillance you will eventually come upon someone telling you "If you have nothing to hide then what are you worried about".
I have commented on this before but recently I read an article in which the writer was quite adamant than any of us who thought we had a right to drive along a road and not be tracked, or to walk through the high street and not have someone follow us with a camera should be arrested because we must have something to hide.
This is a worrying trend and with people like this about there will be only one logical conclusion. There must be a camera in every room in every building throughout the UK. That includes your lounge, dining and bedrooms and yes of course one over your bath.
What, you don't like the idea of that. You obviously have something to hide then do you?

ID Cards

The Home Secretary is trying to tell us all how wonderful ID cards will be in the UK and being the out of touch person that she is has given details of how they will now be introduced.
The first people who will need them, she says, are those that work air side at airports. Funny but it strikes me as these are the last people who will need them because they have already had security checks and carry their own form of ID card.
Next students will be getting them, her reasoning behind this is that once students have them their parents will see how useful they are and say "hey my son has an ID card I would really like one too". Probably in the same way as a parent sees their child with spots and says "gee I must get some" or a student loan they stand no chance of ever being free of.

There are now suggestion that if you don't have an ID card you will be able to use you new style passport as identification. Hold on a minute, identification for what?
I carry my passport when as the name implies I am going to pass through a port and leave the country. I don't as a matter of routine carry it when I say, go for a walk into town or shop in Sainsburys.
Are there proposals to make me carry some form of government issued ID all the time.
Jacqui Smith is on a different planet than reality and we can only hope in time she will be moved to a more appropriate role of making coffee maybe, but I can't help but wonder how long it will be before she announces new legislation allowing police to stop me in the street and demand "VERE ARE YOUR PAPERS" and bundling me into a black van when I don't produce my passport within 10 seconds.

Anti-depressants Don't Work

We are in trouble this week, research has found that anti-depressants don't work and if that is not depressing enough there is another Labour Party conference. Just the time when about 50% of the nation need an anti-depressant.

Anti-depressants could never work, they are based on a misconception that by popping a drug, which makes chemicals in the brain do strange things, you are going to go dancing about saying how wonderful the world is, when the real problem is that something in your life has depressed the hell out of you and popping the drugs has not done diddly squat about that.

These drugs are less effective than a large glass of whiskey twice a day but are probably far more dangerous. The reason that so many people are on them is that Doctors are told they work by large companies who make fantastically huge sums of money selling them.

There is always the chance that the doctor telling you "hey these will make you feel better" might actually cheer you up, its called the placebo effect, but the actual drugs do nothing but leave the taker in a fuzzy world.

But hang on you say, there is a whole load of research (by the manufacturers) saying that these drugs do work.
Yes and there is also a conference centre full of the Labour Party politicians this week telling us how they are making the country a better place, I suppose you expect me to believe them too.

Political Sketch- More on Plastic Bags

Ok I know I have a thing about this plastic bag issue, I mean Gordon the gom is threatening to make new legislation if shops do not voluntarily stop giving out plastic bags.
This is surely a law too far even for this government.
I have to wonder what on earth he is thinking writing and saying this sort of thing on such a strange issue.

Luckily I have managed to get a small portion of the transcript of Hansards:-

Mr Speaker (MS) - The member for Croggington
Member for Croggington (MC)- Thank you, I wonder if the Prime Minister could tell the house when he thinks it will be right to withdraw our troops from being massacred for no reason in Afghanistan.
(general hurumph from the house)
MS - Order Order, The Prime Minister
P.M. - Today I have been attending meetings and in addition to my duties in the house will be seeking to draw up some more laws for the country.
MS - Prime minister we have done that bit would you like to address the issue raised but the right honorable member from Crogginton
PM - Yes, I have written to the Daily Mail and clearly shown that I see the issue of plastic bags as one of great importance to the global fight against climate change.
MC - Thank you PM but can you answer my question about Afghanistan.
PM - The issue is not about when we will withdraw from Afghanistan but rather when our troops do withdraw do they really want to come home to a country full of plastic bags. I suggest that the member for Crogginton would do better to go back and tell his constituents that the government supports M&S and will in due course force all stores to charge for plastic bags.
(General turmoil in the chamber)
MS- Prime Minister while I have to ask you to answer the question by the member from Croggington, I would like to ask one thing first. Does the PM see that charges for carrier bags will be reclaimable on expenses by members of this house and by members of their families in the due course of shopping of an official nature.
PM - Mr Speaker I can assure member of this house that any charges made for plastic carrier bags will of course be reclaimable on expenses in the same was as we propose to allow members to reclaim charges about to be implemented for rubbish collection.
MS - Thank you Prime Minister. Does the PM foresee that black bin bags will also be subject to the new carrier bag tax.
PM - In due course all plastic bags of whatever nature will be subject to this charge.
Alistair Darling - Prime Minister can you tell the house, well and me, is this new plastic bag tax to be subject to VAT and if so at what rate.
PM - In due course this new plastic bag tax will be subject to VAT at the standard rate.
MC - Prime minster, fascinating as plastic bags may be for you, could I ask you to return to the question of our troops in Afghanistan.
PM - I think that I have made my position on that matter clear, our troops want to return to a plastic bag free country.
Alistair Darling - Prime Minister I am confused, are you supporting a tax on plastic bags or their eradication.
PM - In due course I will be announcing a review of this matter.

Plastic Bags are Fantastic.

Here we go again, save the planet etc. etc., this time it is plastic bags.

A daily news paper is apparently trying to get all its readers to stop using plastic bags. I say apparently because I wouldn't read that "paper" if it was the only one available.

Like sheep the masses blindly follow the call to ban them, with M & S the latest to spot the advertising value by saying "oh look we are saving the planet we are going to charge for plastic bags" Please ! It seems funny that everything that will "save the planet" has to cost us more money.

It is not just because prime minister, Gordon Ill have an idea of my own one day Brown, is supporting this daft idea that I am against it, although lets face it being against anything he is in favour in is probably the best stance to take. It is actually because people are not thinking about this before they go baarrrrr and follow.

Plastic bags are excellent, they are strong, waterproof, light weight, and one other minor thing, they are made from a left over product of the oil industry. If you don't make something from ethylene you have to burn it off.

Plastic bags are better to produce than paper because they mainly need just electricity and the oil byproduct.
Paper bags need millions of gallons of water, bleaching agents and toxic chemicals, tons of wood that could be better off growing and absorbing CO2 and 4 times more energy than a plastic bag.

The real reason for this anti plastic bag movement is two fold, the main one being rubbish. No, I mean rubbish as in litter. We see plastic bags littering everywhere and so people are happy to say "yeah ban them". Not thinking that paper bags will look a messing still blowing all over the place.
The second reason is because people are told its the right thing to think and rather than actually think for themselves it is far easier to go baarr and follow the rest of the sheep.

So, when your supermarket of choice offers you a plastic carrier bag for 5p simply decline, ask the checkout operator to watch your shopping and take it 4 items at a time to your car. I bet you get some bags free.

Paul McCartney and Heather Mills' Divorce Hearing

And there was the judge in the court with Paul McCartney and Heather Mills trying to stay awake when after 5 days he turned to them and said
"Help! sorry but this is going Nowehere Man, Every Little Thing is being disputed and I know Baby Your a Rich Man but Ob-la-di Ob-la-da I have lost the will to go on.
I have taken more notes than a Paperback Writer but I Just Don't Understand what you want. You came here and said We Can Work It Out but quite honestly I have had enough of Searchin, Eight Days a Week. How Do You Do It, Im So Tired of What You're Doing you need to Think For Yourself otherwise I will still be hearing this case When I'm 64. There has been far Too Much Monkey Business over this.
Yesterday you said It Won't Be Long but now I’ve Got A Feeling, Things We Said Today will take us on another Long and Winding Road.
Although Its Getting Better, Do You Want to Know A Secret when I Saw Her Standing There I thought She's A Woman and She Loves You, so I have got to rule that you Let It Be. As All Things Must Pass , Please Please Me and GET OUT OF MY BLOODY COURT"

Carbon Offsetting

Here I go again on about Carbon Offsetting.
I made the mistake of thinking of going on holiday and while searching for the best prices to our chosen destination came upon one travel website which had "Carbon Offsetting charge £9.30 each way. Untick box if you do not wish to offset your flight carbon"
Well excuse me but didn't the beloved Gordon Brown double air tax as part of a green carbon type thingy.
No, sorry your right he is not beloved, hes just a twit. (substitute "i" for "a" if there are no children about)
Other airlines are actually selling carbon offsetting on the flights, going around selling you nothing for something in the region of £90 on some long haul in first class.
Its got to stop. Its a myth, it can not be changed.
Look its simple there was an ice age and the earth was pretty and covered in snow and ice and you could not see the mess at all.
But then it started to thaw and instead of being able to walk from France to Britain you had to catch a ferry, well dug out to start with until P & O saw a profit in it.
As the earth was one rather massive ice cube its taking a long time to thaw out and it is still doing it. That is why there is ice at the poles, and that is why it is melting.
It is nothing to do with me wanting to fly on holiday, paying £9.30 is about as likely to stop global warming as everyone holding their breath for a minute every Wednesday.

I should be careful with that though, no one in power realises we breathe out Carbon Dioxide, there could be million to be made from a breath tax.

Love is in the Air. - Lets hold hands

Isn't it wonderful spring is already in the air and its only February.
The birds are all chirping and the bulbs are in bloom. Everywhere love is abounding.
Take for instance as I walked through the town the other afternoon. Coming towards me were a young couple evidently in love walking along hand in hand. Ahhh.
As they approached they kept holding hands taking up the whole pavement and showing no intention of letting go of each other. At the last minute I had to step off the pavement onto the road so the love birds could continue to hold hands.
It struck me how often I have to do this. But why should I.

People walking along on their own are no less susceptible to injury from passing cars on the road than a couple out together, yet often people holding hands expect everyone else to move onto the road for them.

Next time this happens to you, look up, start twitching and shout "no no not again, no no no" . I bet you get the pavement!

Low Energy Light Bulbs

Something strange is happening in the world of lights, shops all over town are suddenly trying to out do each other with the cost of low energy light bulbs.
Not so long ago, when we moved into the new house and had to replace every bulb here I was paying £3 for a bulb, yesterday I was offered 3 for a pound.
This is tremendous news, well not for me I have already bought 15 at £3 each, but for everyone else its fantastic. There are some problems with the bulbs if you want a dimmable one it is still £9 each, normal low energy simply flash if you try to dim them, but otherwise they are great.
There is however just one other problem with low energy bulbs, someone has told the energy companies about them. Oh yes, they are not going to let you get away that lightly.
Is is a coincidence that at the same time as there is a drive to low energy bulbs saving you 20% on running costs that the power company has put up costs by 15% Ok, you say I am still saving 5% on what I was paying, well no actually all the electricity has gone up 15% not just that which we use in our lights.
Taking into account the power you use on other electrical equipment you can bet your bills will at least stay the same, or maybe increase.
I hope that sheds some light on it.

I warned you about Spaz Mobiles

Woman struck by mobility scooter

A mobility scooter driver left an elderly woman with a broken leg and wrist after a hit-and-run accident.
Audrey Lane, 84, from Tewkesbury, Gloucestershire, was hit by the electric vehicle which drove off at less than 8mph.

Mrs Lane is being treated in hospital while CCTV footage is being used to try to trace the driver.

He could face assault charges, or even be charged with dangerous driving under the Road Traffic Act.
Mrs Lane's son, Daniel, 59, said: "My mother was standing with her shopping in the High Street, waiting to cross the road.

"The next thing she knew, she had been hit from behind by this man on a mobility scooter. She was in the middle of the road lying on the floor and her shopping bag was thrown half-way across the street.

"She remembers the incident clearly. He told her: 'I can't stop. I'm busy', then went off."

Inspector Les Pritchard said: "The information we have is that a fairly elderly lady was waiting to cross the road outside Somerfield in Tewkesbury High Street.

"As she was waiting, she was struck by a mobility scooter which then drove away."

Clap When I Tell You To

A few weeks ago I was standing minding my own business on the coast where I live watching the high tide gently lapping over the road when the peace was broken by a middle aged woman.
"Everybody this young man has just run a hundred miles for charity, give him a round of applause" at which point a lad looking to be in his early 20s appeared in running kit looking as though he had just walked out the changing room before doing any exercise.
As told people started clapping him but I stopped myself. How do I know he has done anything for charity, he had just appeared and this woman had shouted at everyone. He certainly had not run 100 miles that day, maybe he had run a mile a day once a week for 2 years, and anyway who is she to tell us to clap.
But we do it don't we, like trained seals we clap as soon as told to, "Ladies and gentlemen put your hand together" "lets have a great big round of applause for" " Didn't they do a lovely job lets give them all big clap".
How often have you stopped yourself and thought hold on, what is this I don't even like them why would I want to clap. We don't do we , we just follow the seal and clap because we are told.

British Gas Homecare

No they don't!
No really, British Gas don't actually give two hoots about their customers and here is why:-

In early November 2007 my central heating decided that in line with the current fashion it too would take up the drums. It started just on the snare drum but soon progressed to a full kit with a lovely bass drum thumping along.

Having been a member of a band I know what its like with these drummers, they don't stop until they are made to so I picked up the phone and called British Gas; I foolishly have a Homecare agreement with them.

They booked an engineer in for a couple of days later. On the day of the engineer visit they called and said sorry we can't get the engineer to you and re-booked for the following day.

The next day I got a call, "Sorry the engineer can't get to you this morning can we make it the afternoon?" "Ok" I agreed. Two minutes later the phone went "Hi it's the British Gas Engineer Ill be with you in 20 minutes" "Um, good , but your office just told me you can't make it" Oh well.

The Engineer arrived and tried to fix the boiler, he added some chemical and said it might work otherwise they would have to fit a new part.

The boiler took up the bagpipes as well as the drums and started wheezing and groaning as well as drumming.

A month later I called British Gas Homecare. I asked them to send me the engineer with the new part. (What I really needed was a Band Master familiar with unruly pipe and drum bands.) They booked a time.
They phoned on the day and cancelled and re-booked. The engineer came. "Have you got the new part?" " No" "Why not" "I spoke to the other engineer he told me what the problem is" The engineer checked the system again. "Yes it needs a new part"

Well as is everything in life that we "insure" the new part is not covered by my agreement but at least the fitting is so it saves on labour costs. I signed the form in early December.

In January I got a letter, "Sorry we are really busy we will "upgrade" your heating when we have an engineer in the area".

I phoned them, It's not an upgrade! I explained how the pipe and drum core are driving me mad and as I pay for a service when they feel like it is not really on. They sent me another copy of the same letter.

I phoned them "Please can I speak with the woman in Customer Service who sent me the 2 letters?" "No sorry but we can email them" .

I waited, I phoned , I asked to speak the Customer Service, I could not this time because it was after 5pm.

I phoned the next morning, I asked to speak to Customer Service, "You can't but I can email them" "No I want to speak to them" "Hold on please" "I'm sorry I have just spoken to them and they are refusing to speak to you, I can't believe this either, Ill give you the address to write to and complain".

I got a call yesterday, from British Gas to tell me that they can't come and fix my boiler until at least March. I told the woman she must be joking, she agreed that it was bad and she arranged to have someone call me before 9am today. It is now 10am.

Oh well come on boiler, a little more on the bass drum, bring up the pipes, lets try Hyland Cathedral this time, I like that one.

A quick course in Labour Maths.

We have a strange situation in the UK at the moment we have two Chancellors and no prime minister. Never before have we had this situation where the person in No. 10 Downing Street thinks he is the Chancellor and so does the man at No. 11. The most amazing thing is that even with two they still have no idea about mathematics.

Inflation is, according to one of them or is it both, 2.4%. But hang on how is this calculated.
Food and petrol up over 5%, gas and electricity 15%, now council tax 4% even plants in the garden centre are going up. I have tried to work out how the calculation has been done.
Here is what has probably been used.

5% for food divide by 12 months equals .41% plus 15% for gas and electricity divide by 12 equals 1.25% then add the council tax increase of 4% divide by 12 equals .33% so far we have 1.99% inflation divide that by 2 chancellors and we actually have inflation at only 0.995%. Now 2.4 times .995 is 2.4% so there we are inflation is 2.4% just like they tell us! Isn' it ?

Hold on I hear you shout you can't divide the annual percentage increase by 12 because then its not the annual increase and besides none of you calculations make sense.
I know that, but then I am not the one believing the two chancellors.

Madeleine McCann - Oh Please no more!

I am bound to upset a few people here but as it's my blog I am allowed to.

Unable to contain myself any longer I have to say a few more words about Madeleine McCann.

Because her parents were irresponsible, bad parents she went missing last year and since then some papers can not stop bombarding their readers with total tosh. Today we have a new FBI accredited artist impression of the person who probably does not exist but who we are supposed to believe was somehow involved in the disappearance. Now call me cynical but artist impressions are seldom any use when made within hours of an offence, one made months after is about as much use as a chocolate fire guard.

Not only is the picture a waste of paper it is totally useless to print it on millions of news papers. The law of averages says that someone somewhere will look like any picture you draw, if you look long enough you will probably find all the people from a L.S. Lowry painting.

Every day there is more tosh about the latest development, every day is another news paper article of no use and increasingly less interest to most people on the planet.

Yes something bad happened to her, but now it is time to move on and report news in the papers.

Joy of joys we look forward to the 1st anniversary of her disappearance when the papers can have pages and pages of worthless tosh again.

The truth is that the picture in the paper today is not of anyone, and especially not of the person who took Madeleline McCann.

Government to control the Internet.

Another of our wonderful leaders the "I'm completely out of touch with reality" Jacqui Smith Home Secretary has done what Labour do best, she has announced something.
You, like me, will have noticed that since taking over, Mr Bean, sorry Brown, and his party have spent a lot of time announcing things and doing very little.
Most of their announcements have been for things that are already, and some are for things that will never be other than in the minds of the deranged.
But today I warn you Smith has announced the start of Internet censorship of the kind that we decry in places like China.
She has said that she will be working to shut down Internet sites that are used to groom vulnerable people to become violent extremists. That sounds a good thing but lets just take things to the next step. We, the people, will not be the ones to decide which sites are going to "groom" people we will just be told that its for the good of the country and national security. For example there maybe a web site that says there is a Conservative candidate who you could vote for. Smith decides that this site could cause people to vote conservative so says "this is a dangerous site shut it down". No one ever knows what the site was, it was shut down to protect us wasn't it, how dare we question the leaders who are protecting us from terror.
You see where this is going, it is only a short step from the government removing extremist sites to them taking complete control over every ISP and dictating what we see.
Tell me I am wrong, but hopefully this site will still be here in 10 years time, and it will be my turn to say I told you so. Although I won't be allowed to because by then opinions will also be banned.
1984 ?

New Tax to replace PAYE

A new tax is to be introduced by Minister Peter Hain to replace PAYE, it will be known as PIYR or Pay if You Remember.
This new tax will mean that you can keep any earning you make without the need to pay tax unless you remember. It will also pave the way to a new style of shopping where you can leave stores paying for only the good you remember and will not face prosecution for the 6 bottles of champagne you forgot were in the bottom of the trolley.

As usual with the Labour government there is a drawback to the new tax, it will only come into force if Peter Hain remembers to announce it.

New Nuclear Power Stations

Today our dictator, sorry prime minister, Mr Brown has decided that there will be a series of new nuclear power stations built in the UK and that these will be built by private industry. Excellent!

Not happy that our airports are owned by the Spanish, our water by the Germans we are now going to let the French not only own but build our nuclear power stations.

It will cost many millions of pounds to build each of these power stations and as the companies are not going to build them out of their love for England they will want to make as big a profit as they can. This will surely mean that they will want to build them as cheaply as possible. I am getting scared already. We are going to have another country build nuclear power stations for as little as possible to make as much profit as possible on our land and trust that they get it right.

I can hear the conversation now between EDF and the contractors:-

EDF- "Ello Ello yes, we are building a nuclear power station in Bradwell, yes the UK, Yes we want some radiation shielding, well yes they say we should have reinforced concrete and 300mm of lead, yes , so that will cost how much"

Polish contractor - "Lead isn't cheap, are you sure you want that much"

EDF - "Well no, its in the UK we don't want to spend too much, maybe we could go down to 150mm"

Polish contractor- "Its still going to cost you"

EDF " Oh, well this is going to eat into our profits Ill get back to you "

Later the same day:-

EDF "Ello Ello, yes we have made a decision on that radiation shielding, Tin foil, yes that's right tin foil. The prevailing wind blows away from France so we have decided that we can save many millions if we leave out the lead"

Mobility Scooters. AKA Spaz Mobiles

Well we made it through another year without destroying the planet and here we are in 2008 so to those of you who worry about these things, Happy New Year, but also see my blog on Merry Christmas.

Still we made it and so I can continue to woffle about Life, The Universe and Small Things that annoy, amuse or otherwise come to my notice.
To start the year the way I mean to go on let me be totally un-politically-correct.
SPAZ MOBILES, I don't care what you think thats what I call them and although everyone says to me "you can't call them that" I do and I can.
I was in Boots, the Chemist, about a week ago and there was the classic example of why spaz mobiles should be banned. There we were, I and the rest of North Essex, trying to shop and all of a sudden chaos. Old git on his spaz going one way up the narrow isle and obese blob(because she can't be asked to walk) in another coming the other way. To add to the fun there was a woman with a double child buggy trying to get past too.
No No No. get out of the shop! If I turned up on my bicycle would they let me in on it, I think not, so why have we allowed more and more of these ankle busting spaz mobiles to clutter up every pavement, High Street and now shop.
I had to dive for cover the other week when walking into the local store and a doddery old git in his spaz came flying out at about 6mph intent on snapping the ankles or legs of anyone who got in his way. And blow me if there was not another one almost as wide as the isles in the store causing chaos.
It doesn't end there. Where I live we have scurge of spaz mobiles and they think they are cars, they block the road at 8mph driven by people way to old and blind to be on a highway, no tax, no test, no insurance and no reason to be there.
Its time to retake the streets, next time a spaz comes hurtling towards you trying to break your leg as you walk on the pavement, or blocks the isle in a shop, drop a handful of tin tacks as you walk by - just a thought.

Going shopping - Do you need anything?

I was in the local shop earlier today, I had gone there for just 3 items and was looking for the shortest queue, the shop does not have a few items checkout. I spotted one with a woman being served and just one other in the line so joined the queue.
It was only after a minute or so that I realised that there were a whole load of "NEXT CUSTOMER" plastic thingies on the belt although there was just the 3 of us. Then it happened.
The woman, possibly in her mid 60s, with a 1960s painted face got our her purse, she slowly sorted through a handful of coins picking out the pennies and putting them not into the cashiers hand but onto the desk, then putting the coins away she got out the notes. She found several fivers and took one off the bunch, now where she got perfect five pound notes from is a mystery, after much fiddling she paid and put the purse back into her bag.
The cashier put the next 3 items through the till and the same woman paced them into another carrier bag. After a moment she again got out the purse and started to sort through the coins.
At this point you may be thinking that I am making a really long episode of this, well it was nothing to the time this woman took to sort out a few coins.
Then we were back to the notes then the purse back in the bag. At last she was through, but, oh for heavens sake, the next couple of items behind the next customer barrier were hers too and it became painfully clear that we had to wait for another purse session. The woman behind her and in front of me looked at me, she said nothing, nothing was needed, we were thinking the same.
Obviously this woman, when not washing and ironing five pound notes, goes to all her friends and asks if they need anything from the shop. Not only is she too daft to know that faces painted in blue, green and black makeup went out years ago she is not clever enough to do simple maths and divide up one bill after leaving the store.
Now don't get me wrong, she has every right to paint her face, every right to be a little batty, but just don't ever let her in front of you in a shop queue.

Saving the planet

Something somewhere has gone wrong.

Everywhere we look we are being told that we have to save the planet and unless we do the latest GREEN fad we are all doomed, as Corporal Fraser used to say (Don't know who he is? oh dear I am getting old).

There are some things that seem good ideas, recycle what you can, don't waste things and respect the environment but something I saw the other day just didn't seem right.
Written on a pack of dustbin bags it says "Biodegradable - this bag will degrade 30 times faster than any other" . My black bag rubbish consists of all the things that I can not recycle including the wrong types of plastic, that take a billion years to degrade, anything that's broken and has a mixture of metal and plastics etc. But now I can throw them all into landfill safe in the knowledge that although they will be there for ever the bag they are in will degrade virtually as they hit the ground.
What a great idea.
It isn't just me is it, this really is a total waste of the extra money they cost?

Happy Christmas

Its that time of year again, the time that I head for the airport to escape from, but this year we moved house and its hard to justify spending loads of money to escape Christmas.
All around where we now live people are saying to hell with global warming lets ramp up the electricity bill and cover the house with lights and fan powered snow men and see how much CO2 we can generate. Which is rather a strange thing to do for a country obsessed with wanting a White Christmas.
For those who wish to celebrate the religious side of Christmas it must get harder each year as it has become more and more retail and less and less religion. We also know its actually the wrong time of year to celebrate Christmas and that many years ago certain people hijacked a pagan festival and turned it into religion.
But what is all the hype that we call Christmas. I find it very difficult to understand why people go about for weeks before hand saying things like "If I don't see you before, have a happy Christmas". Do they mean forget the other 364 days of the year, I could not give a fig how they are for you, but have one good day. And there is the "What are you doing for Christmas this year?" Which usually starts in October. But to most people who won't be going to church Christmas is just one day; like any other one day. Even the local Spa will be open.
So as we head for that one day, that people talk about for months and plan for for weeks, the day that costs money tries patients and builds stress may I take this opportunity of wishing anyone reading my blog a happy day everyday, from the 1st of January to the 31st of December every year.
Oh, and that includes a happy Christmas

South Yorkshire's chief constable caught speeding

Yesterday a Chief Constable was in the news for speeding, he was doing 90mph in a 60 limit. This officer had also been, according to the news, "the top traffic policeman in the country", which means he held meetings rather than actually did police work.
But there is one angle that the news did not look at. If the top traffic cop was doing 90mph then you can kind of assume it must have been safe at that time to be doing that speed on that road.
The news found the usual dippy woman from some road campaign to say how "speeding kills and she should have known better", as I have said on news groups, speed does not kill; inappropriate speed kills.
There are many people who are a danger doing 20mph but I expect the chief constable will have done some police driver training and will be a far better driver than the average.
The one thing this case has highlighted is that speed restrictions are stupid. They are arbitrary and there is no actual reason that 60 is safer than 90 and the "doing 70 saves X% petrol than doing 80 or 90" is rubbish.
People kill not speed. If it was simply speed then having driven legally at up to 140mph on many roads I should have died years ago. The dippy blond doing 30 on the school run, cell phone in one hand handbag on the lap looking for dinner money is the risk, the 70year old who can not see that doing 30 in a 60 is frustrating the hell out of every other driver is a risk, the idiot reading a map driving a 38 tonne truck is a risk, not the well trained driver doing an appropriate high speed concentrating on the road.

Revenue and Customs T-shirt Offer

I am please to tell you that I have secured a contract to supply Revenue and Customs security T-shirts. To obtain yours send details of your bank account and sort code, plus your pin, name address and mothers maiden name, first school attended, pets name and favorite colour.

Gordon Brown and the fight against terror

Gordon lay in his bed waiting for his father to come and say goodnight. Clutching the sheets around him he watched the door hoping that when it opened it would only be his father.
The door opened "arrr noo" he yelled.
"Its only me Gordon" said his fathers reassuring voice. "The bogey man won't get you I keep telling you its ok"
"Dad, put my soldiers along the window ledge please and put the heavy books beside the cupboard door"
"Ok, your just getting yourself all worked up again, the window is shut and the glass will stop any bogey man better than plastic soldiers"
"No, I want the soldiers there too dad, please and put the mirror so that I can see behind the wardrobe too I want to know its safe"
"Look Gordon your nearly 16 its time you stopped being so worried about these childish things"
"Its not childish dad, Simon got eaten by the bogey man"
"Simon is just a storybook Gordon he didn't really get eaten by anything, especially not a bogey man" said his father frantically trying to get out of the room.
"Give me the bible dad I want it under my pillow too, and my compass that you gave me I want that here"
"Now stop, stop, this is getting so silly, just settle down and get to sleep"
"But what if the bogey man can get through the light sockets, or through the taps, put something there dad, please I don't feel at all safe here, we need to get more security on the house put up a new fence maybe"
"Right that's it I have had enough of this nonsense and you are getting sillier every night, goodnight I am going downstairs"
Gordon pulled the covers up tight and watched the mirror at the side of the wardrobe, eventually he fell to sleep.
.........YEARS LATER........
"Prime Minister are you sure that putting security scanners at 250 railway stations will actually do anything, after all there are over 2500 stations in the country?" asked the Home Secretary
"I have a duty to the people of this country to keep them safe" Said Gordon.
"P.M. why do you keep watching that mirror."

PC Niddy fights the green war on Terror

Following on from the last episode of PC Niddy, today he helps to save the planet:-

PC Niddy left the police station with a spring in his step. Today he was going to make a difference and do exactly what the nice Gordon Brown had asked him to, fight the war against green terror.
"Hello PC Niddy" Said Mrs Miggins as Niddy walked into the shop "Lovely day isn't it "
"Not so good" replied Niddy
"Oh come on the sun is out there is a lovely autumn chill in the air and my jam tarts are just finished" said Mrs Miggins.
"Mrs Miggins I am arresting you for terrorism" said PC Niddy.
"You what, oh you are funny some times, do you want one of my jam tarts, I have apricot ones"
"No Mrs Miggins I don't want a tart, you are under arrest. we have had a report from the council recycling team that you have not recycled a single thing for weeks and in my books that is an attack on the planet, under the green terrorism laws I now have to arrest you before you destroy the Earth, we also have you on four separate CCTV screens putting a cardboard box into your black sack rubbish"
"Niddy, I have always liked you but today you have really gone bonkers" replied Mrs Miggins.
"You would say that, as a terrorist you will say anything to get away with it, that is why we can now lock you away for months until you confess to your wrong doings" Said Niddy as he took hold of Mrs Miggins arm.
"I don't have time for your games, I have another 50 pies in the oven and rolls to bake" Said Mrs Miggins as he shrugged away from Niddy.
"You really have to come with me, I am also arresting you for giving out plastic carrier bags and for not having energy efficient light bulbs in the shop under the Gordon Brown act of 2007" Said Niddy.
"Right! That's it! get out of my pie shop you have gone raving mad, if you don't get out Ill do something you really can arrest me for" shouted Mrs Miggins as she picked up a large french loaf."
Mrs Miggins hit PC Niddy with the french stick as he pushed him towards the door.
"There is no need to do this, you are only making things worse, come on Mrs Miggins"
"You have totally lost it Niddy, get out and don't come back unless you calm down and get over all this green terrorism rubbish. You are not going to save the planet all you will do is waste all my pies when they burn, look you have already caused me to ruin a French stick"
Niddy walked out of the shop.
"Ill be back"

Baby on board.

Driving yesterday I came up behind a people carrier being driven far too slowly and was immediately alerted to the sticker in the back window "Baby on board" which got me wondering what people think it means.

The way this particular vehicle was being driven I could have easily believed the baby was driving and I am reasonably sure it could not have done a worse job. But what do the people who put the stickers in car windows think they say. Is it "drive more carefully", in which case do they think its OK to crash into the back of cars with no sticker or is it that they simply want to tell everyone, "hey I am driving like a complete moron because I am changing the baby and about to breast feed it as soon as we get into a 30 limit". I guess it could be beware baby on board the woman driver may have post natal depression and likely to do something stupid at any moment.

The other sticker that goes with the same way of thinking is , in my opinion, the stupid "Princess on board". All these stickers only do one thing and that is distract the driver behind who while they are reading the sticker may fail to notice the brake lights .

Of course "Princess on board takes on a different picture when connected with this one

H5N1 Bird Flu

No one can have escaped the fact that we are getting near to Christmas, its been in the shops for the past 3 months and turkeys all over the UK are getting scared. So scared in fact that they are committing mass suicide to escape the Christmas table. Unfortunately they don't know its suicide "gobble, gobble, hey sneeze on me give me that cold I hear they let you go if you have a cold, most of the barn next door is empty cos they all caught it, gobble, gobble , sneeze"
There are the usual joke conspiracies going about that the beef industry has started it because they lose out at Christmas or that the Government is about to do something they want us to miss so have called up a few thousand more dead animals, it always works to distract. That sounds the most feasible. A writer in a well knows paper keeps referring to Gordon Brown's policies as all "gobble, gobble" so it could be connected
Yet I digress.
My main question is why the media have to confuse us with technical details, H5N1, means what and to who, we are told there are different strains of it, so is that H5N2 or H6N1 and does it matter. I know you must not confuse H2O with H2SO4 but what is H5N1 is it just a name or do we need to know what it stands for.

Speeding Kills - Speed cameras only kill the fun of driving.

Excellent, the government wants to change the way people are fined for speeding and to increase the number of 20mph limits. Now it would be cynical of me to think that this is all about money.
There are many things about driving that need to be changed but, I suggest, speeding penalties should be very low on the list at the moment.
If I drive at 36mph in a 30 limit I stand to get a fine and points on my licence, these points will mean that my car insurance may also go up. If, on the other hand, I drive my car into someone else, maybe kill or injure a few I can go to court. It is in my favour that with the right lawyer and some daft people on the jury I stand a good chance it being "just an accident" and I won't even get a fine. So 6mph over the limit is a fine but others dead or injured is nothing. No don't scoff it happens all the time.
With all these slow speed limits that you have to keep a good eye on the speedo to stick to 30, to stay at 20 you won't have chance to look at the road you will need to have both eyes glues to the speedo, how does this make the roads safer. There used to be a law that a man with a red flag walked in front of a horseless carriage, if we drop speed limits a little more we can re-introduce that maybe.
I followed a driver for about 8 miles along lanes where there was no chance of overtaking, he was driving at between 25 and 30 mph all the way, the speed limit was 60. I found it wonderful to sit at 25mph watching his brake lights every time a leaf blew into the road or the road changed direction by a degree. Was he a good safe driver, no way , he was the kind of driver that should be fined and made to take a taxi. But I bet the anti speed campaign lobby would love him.
Speed does not kill, Inappropriate speed kills, there is a very big difference.

Research? Who needs it we have Ministers!

Am I the only one to notice that no matter who has conducted research, carried out tests or spent billions of pounds on experiments there is one person who already knew the answer and just needed to be asked.
Last week a study by experts stated that the millions of pounds that has been spent on teaching children to read and write has not made any difference. These people looked at all the fact and information and did a lot of research. But "Nonsense " says a minister you are wrong!
Train companies published details of how they need to increase their train capacities and how things are really not going very well when it comes to fitting passengers into trains, they say that they need to increase capacity by X% by 2012. "Nonsense" says a minister you are wrong its all going fantastically.
Army leaders "Our troops need more equipment" - Minister "no everything is fine "
Motoring organisations "Research shows using the hard shoulder as a driving lane is dangerous" - Minister "No its perfect and wont cause any problems"
Almost anything that you can think of that has ever been researched and published results in the government finding some half brain of a minister to say "your wrong, everything is fantastic".
So if these ministers are so darn clever why are people wasting billions of pounds doing any research at all, just have a room full of ministers and ask them anything you need to know.
Or maybe get sneaky, and publish "research shows that the Gordon Brown is the best thing for Britain since sliced bread" go on minister, your turn.

Healthy Eating.

An article yesterday informed me that I should not eat Pork or Ham or Bacon as this will increase my risk of cancer and that red wine is also going to increase the risk, yet hold on red wine was good for my heart a few days ago, so its a toss up between cancer or heart disease, how the hell do we make that choice.
It is time that we had a total up on what we can and can't eat or drink so here goes based on actual articles:-
Avoid cakes and biscuits as as they have too much fat oh and sugar. Avoid healthy eating health bars because they have too much sugar (probably not enough fat). Stay well away from red meat and chicken often has added pork fat so avoid that too. Bacon as I have already said is now off and so is ham
Chocolate is definitely a no no and ice cream, forget it.
Don't go near dairy produce and beware that a lot of vegetables have traces of chemicals in them from spraying etc.
Keep off the beer and spirits and remember many fruit juices have too much sugar, if they don't then they probably have too much fruit acid so best to be avoided. Likewise an apple a day will rot your teeth
Its best to avoid breads as too much wheat is not good and not all tin food is as fresh as we think so maybe pass on that.
We are left with water, which if you buy bottled may contain way too many elements you would be better off not having but I think tap water is still allowed although there are two opinions on too much or too little being bad for me.
So that's clear then, don't eat any of the above, maybe risk the odd glass of water and you can live forever.